Saw a psychiatrist today for the first time in about 25 years. My therapist wanted me to, and insurance evidently did, also. This was really, really hard, to walk in and tell a stranger the worst parts of my life. I never talk about my suicide attempt decades ago, or what happened with the psychiatrists and psychologists then, but she kept asking. She wanted to know details about that, and I really just don't remember a lot.
She kept trying to get me to talk about current suicidal thoughts and depression. I very rarely completely dissociate, but suddenly I heard myself lying to her (not very convincingly, I'm afraid, it didn't even really sound like my voice talking). It did seem to get her to move to another topic, though. I didn't talk with her about the dissociation, maybe that was a mistake.
By the end of the two hours, I had hives. I still have them tonight, all over my face and neck. I don't even know if I will take whatever medication she offers, I have to go back in ten days to find out what she recommends. I hate talking to people--my childhood was just normal to me, but it freaks other people out. I just feel like I'm from a different planet.
She kept trying to get me to talk about current suicidal thoughts and depression. I very rarely completely dissociate, but suddenly I heard myself lying to her (not very convincingly, I'm afraid, it didn't even really sound like my voice talking). It did seem to get her to move to another topic, though. I didn't talk with her about the dissociation, maybe that was a mistake.
By the end of the two hours, I had hives. I still have them tonight, all over my face and neck. I don't even know if I will take whatever medication she offers, I have to go back in ten days to find out what she recommends. I hate talking to people--my childhood was just normal to me, but it freaks other people out. I just feel like I'm from a different planet.
