Ptsd And Comparisons

[doglover]

I saw something happening in another thread. Lots of anger about people comparing their lives to the massive suffering of PTSD.

And it made me think again about the reasons I stopped posting here for awhile. I was getting worse by being here, my symptoms and distress higher. I was obsessing a little. I was taking on the role of a sufferer as Who I Am. I was turning it into my identity. So then it was a role I was fulfilling with increased distress and symptoms.

(Then again, this incredible self-restraint, this blocking of the past, this hyper-focus on Now, isn't helping me heal either.)

I guess... I'm not even sure of my point. It relates to this - and this may be a stupid thing to say - but in many ways I find myself envying those of you who are so deeply in tune with your feelings. I don't really feel much besides shame much of the time.

So yes - in the midst of talk about the problem of people comparing their experience to others, I'm doing exactly that. I am coveting the emotionality I'm seeing in others here. I don't know what to do with that envy. It's so unproductive.

I just want to feel... I want to feel without flooding.

 

[Hashi]

Hi doglover.

I'm hardly a poster girl for dealing well with my emotions, but for what it's worth I think working on safety and containment is the best way to get beyond blocking your feelings but not get flooded by them.

If you're very controlled, rather than get frustrated with that I would try to thank your subconscious for protecting you. It's acting in your best interests if you think the feelings would flood and distress you. But if you can establish a safer, more contained way for your feelings to come out, then it would be easier for your subconscious (and your conscious) mind to allow that.

That means developing your coping and grounding skills, and working on boundaries for your thoughts and feelings when they come up. I've used two main ways to do that.

Many trauma therapies talk about having a "safe place" to go to when feeling overwhelmed. I take this further and think that I need to be in a "safe state" all the time. It didn't work for me to know I had somewhere to retreat to in my mind if things got to a certain point, because it was too scary to get to that point at all. So, being aware of that, I would tend to block things before they could start.

Instead I do visualisations for safety and protection all the time. These allow memories, thoughts and feelings but only to a certain extent. For example, I have an imaginary "bodyguard" who goes with me everywhere and is always watching out for when something is going to be too much, and steps in to stop it. I have lots of these sorts of visualisations.

I also work on the effects of the trauma in ways that are both literally and symbolically containing. At first I could only face some aspects of how I felt by writing a tiny bit about it then immediately shredding the paper - which I then had to take out of the house completely and put in the bin outside. I moved on to drawing or writing in notebooks or sketchbooks which I can close, and then I also put them away in a case and lock it. (Some people are able to just imagine putting their memories or feelings away in a chest for a while, or burying them in a box in the garden... I have to do it literally!)

About it becoming your whole identity, I'm not sure... maybe it has to, for a while. I don't think that has to be an identity as a victim, though. My experience has been that healing has pretty much taken over my life and there hasn't really been a way around that, just that I don't see that has to be forever. And I wasn't having much of a life anyway, suppressing it all.

This is only my way of approaching it. I'm sure other people have other ways.

 

[Panama Pete]

I don't really feel much besides shame much of the time.

"Shame"? You didn't ask for this so you have nothing to be ashamed of. Never forget that fact!

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Pete, that's a nice thing to say.-

 

[doglover]

"Shame"? You didn't ask for this so you have nothing to be ashamed of. Never forget that fact!

Thank you for saying that.

Shame is something I would not want anyone to feel in the amounts I've felt it. An inner critic has pushed away any efforts at a happy, adult self. Blech.

I'll try to make your words burrow deeper into my head - thank you again :)

 

[doglover]

If you're very controlled, rather than get frustrated with that I would try to thank your subconscious for protecting you.

Very good idea. I think that is what my EMDR memory processing sessions are supposed to be. At least, I keep telling myself that is supposed to be the safe place to feel. Only I haven't gotten very deep yet.

Instead I do visualisations for safety and protection all the time. These allow memories, thoughts and feelings but only to a certain extent. For example, I have an imaginary "bodyguard" who goes with me everywhere and is always watching out for when something is going to be too much, and steps in to stop it. I have lots of these sorts of visualisations.

I like that idea. A couple days ago I had a visualization where an adult me intervened to reprimand my inner critic for beating up on my inner child. I'm new at that stuff but it did feel helpful. I like the idea of incorporating more of that.

I also work on the effects of the trauma in ways that are both literally and symbolically containing.

I've kind of been doing that... when I do journal, I close the book and never look back over what I write. Would be good to modify that a bit with less avoidance and more self-acceptance of the limits my mind has set.

About it becoming your whole identity, I'm not sure... maybe it has to, for a while.

That's terrifying. My sister is the one has near-daily meltdowns and I've always been the overachiever who functions fairly well in daily life (through denial, compartmentalization, and self-restraint/self-annihilation...and when the stress gets too bad I cry every day or walk around with this self-contempt overshadowing everything). The thought of getting too far off center is absolutely terrifying.

Thank you for the post. It gave me some hope, and some ideas for how to coax the feelings out of myself.

 

[Barberian]

I was getting worse by being here, my symptoms and distress higher. I was obsessing a little. I was taking on the role of a sufferer as Who I Am. I was turning it into my identity. So then it was a role I was fulfilling with increased distress and symptoms.

I have to be careful myself about coming to this forum. When I'm here I often have to be careful about which threads/posts I read. I also have to keep from triggering myself.

When I first came here I wanted to read everything. This quickly overwhelmed me. I knew what was happening, but I was obsessed to learn all I could as fast as I could. I spiraled out of control and couldn't do anything, even bring myself to come back here. Much as when you drop a ball, each bounce is smaller than the one before it, I kept bouncing back here. Usually each visit was not as traumatic to me as the one before. It was difficult to excert the self control to pay attention to how I was doing as I read the threads/posts. When I feel myself being triggered, I watch my reaction very closely. I allow some stress, but pull the ejection handle if I am afraid the thread or post is going to stress me out too much. This took some time to learn and is still a work in progress. I'm not always sucessful at this.

I still come here pretty much every day, but I may not really read any threads or posts. I may just simply look at the pics on "this caught my eye" and maybe post one myself. It all depends on my stress cup, and the current threads and posts.

Each person who posts here is at a different part in thier healing journey. Sometimes it's easier to read threads from someone who has made significant progress, to learn from thier sucesses and failures. Some threads are more upbeat than others. I stick to those on my bad days. Some threads are more nagative or have more suffering expressed in them. I save those for days I'm personally doing better and more able to maybe offer help or something from my life that maybe they can relate to. Some threads I avoid all together because I can't relate or offer any advice. I don't have a common point of reference to the sufferer. Those threads would only cause me to suffer more for no reason so I avoid them. There are many other threads here I can learn from and heal myself with.

I hope I haven't rambled on for too long.

 

[doglover]

Barberian, it is inspiring to me that you have the self-awareness to know what you can handle on here. I find myself drawn to the pain and negativity... some misplaced martyr thing I guess... I need to commit to focusing on the stuff I want to see more of instead of always looking at the pain and stress.

Your post has also inspired me to take more care in what I expose myself to on here - thank you :)