Ptsd And Self Centered Friends..

[The Albatross]

Beg to differ, it is exactly a matter of how each [participating] person perceives it.

 

[Oceanya]

Beg to differ, it is exactly a matter of how each [participating] person perceives i...

Okay then I guess other basic relationships with people are a matter of how people perceive it. So in a friendship one might think that they are a good friend by backstabbing the other person..so since they believe that to be a ''friendship'' and they perceive it like that that's also a true friendship..that's what you're saying? Well sorry but I grew up knowing some basics about human relationships and those basics include the fact that in every human relationship that wants to be healthy and real, there must be equal love, respect and caring by ALL sides. Anything less than that means the relationship is one-sided. If you really think that it's a matter of how each person perceives it then what stops you from backstabbing/betraying/ignoring/abusing your friend and then acting as if you're a good friend to them? The examples might sound extreme but it is the type of ideology you give me that makes me bring up such examples. If the relationships of people were based on what each person *perceives* then a mother who abuses her kid should not be accused of abuse because in her own mind THAT is how she *perceives* motherhood. This way of thinking is a bit aloof and dangerous. So yes we definitely disagree.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I've had a friendship with someone for over 30 yrs. Lately, it's all about her. Actually for awhile it's been all about her. So the other day, I told her that I may not have a life, but I'm really sick of hearing about her, her issues, her business, her hubby, her kids. We talked about that for a minute and she laughed and said, she couldn't live my life cause it too boring. Then we went right back to talking about her. :banghead::banghead: It's ok, cause we have that kind of friendship that can survive all sorts of shit. Eventually it will be all about me, when a crisis in my life pops up, and then we will talk about me and my issues.

Friendships, like relationships need working on. I think it's a two way street, that there has to be a give and take. I also feel that when you feel left out, your needs are not being met, you feel ignored... Then SPEAK up. Let that person know how you feel. Ask if there is a way for this to be resolved. You can't expect your needs to be known by the other person, unless you state them.

 

[Oceanya]

I've had a friendship with someone for over 30 yrs. Lately, it's all about her. Actually for awhile it's...

Already talked to her. We solved the issue. Thanks you :)

 

[The Albatross]

"Okay then I guess other basic relationships with people are a matter of how people perceive it. So in a friendship one might think that they are a good friend by backstabbing the other person..so since they believe that to be a ''friendship'' and they perceive it like that that's also a true friendship..that's what you're saying"

Yeah and believe me I don't like it either but it has been my direct personal experience. Some of the people 17-23 year friendships... they thought, and still actually believe that they were "being my friend" even though I didn't. (wouldn't say something behind a back I wouldn't say to someone's face, basically) I can't really make much sense of it myself beyond the backlash when I cut them off and their hurt/angst/anger when I repeatedly (for 10 years in one case but over a series of years) was struggling hard and they left me hanging. They were hurt/angry? Sheesh. It is a perplexity of humanness I expect I will never really understand.

I'm just sayin' what happened to me.

Personally, I trend to go SO far out of my way to not backstab I torpedoed a discussion for support on this forum just this week because I had a perceptual bias that skewed my decision making. I actually SHOULD have initiated a private discussion but didn't because of my past experiences and bias. Fortunately, my friend knows me and was not freaked about it. BUT... the sword cuts both ways and inadvertently, I hurt the very same person I was trying to help because of it, k? Just sayin'.

 

[Thizette]

Develop criteria for friendship. There are a lot of people I genuinely like but have no desire to develop a deeper friendship with because of things like this.

I agree with other posters that you need to directly tell your friend what is bothering you and why. She might not be aware of what she does and that it's hurtful.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Ever felt like you have so much to say and share but nobody to talk to? Nobody who can really understan...

That is not a real friend, when you have a real friend you are interested in their life experiences. Someone with narcissistic traits is a dangerous person, you will only be liked by someone like that if you always do what they want to do.

And, believe me, if you introduce her to other friends she will take over their lives too, and if you would ever introduce her to someone that you are interested in as a partner she would try to steal that from you too, that is the trait of narcissistic people: everything is about them.

 

[Julian]

This is something I also deal with. I think those people who are asking you to define a friendship may not have experience of growing up in narcissistic families where your needs we're never met. Because of this you are a listener/codependant and may attract people who use that. Of course all friendships are different but when you've been in that situation as a child it's very difficult to navigate. I'm still trying to tell myself that by asking for these things doesn't make me a difficult person but a basic human need to be recognized but at the same time you don't want to put your entire emotional past on a friendship.

 

[Deleted member 37868]

Ever felt like you have so much to say and share but nobody to talk to? Nobody who can really understan...

Energy vampire, run she won't change. Real friends have dialogues that go back and forth because both are genuinely interested and care for each other. It's hard to find good ppl in this world, but if you aren't gaining anything from being her friend, I mean emotionally etc. Then ditch her or put her under person to grab coffee with and let that be that, it's about self respect, I had this problem all my life, I've attracted truly evil ppl to me at times, trust your gut instinct and don't be a door mat

 

[Rani G2]

Besides all the ''in my own world'' buddies I've had in the past and the couple of friends that betrayed me in the past, my new show time ''friend'' is someone who up until recently I felt as if she;'s a real friend. But lately I keep doubting.

Oceanya, I can understand your frustration having to deal with such friendships. Its more than frustration, its hurtful when people dont value friendships. I have narcissistic tendencies, but if I feel no threat from others I feel the need to connect, and I genuinely want to get to know that person.

The strange thing is, people “think“ I am a honest, kindhearted person. But I do need to manipulate so that I feel strong and powerful. I get from a seemingly kind person to a sinister one if someone isnt thankful for getting advice from me. Especially if the person is not acknowledging me. I will try to make her/him hurt. So that they learn their lesson. They must know their place. Urghhh. Sorry i get carried away. This has lessend a lot , but its hard work. And i do feel very ashamed at times.

I know, this isnt helpful but as an ex-narcissistic person (Okay, not yet completely ex) I am just telling some are trying to work on that.

 

[solost]

Ever felt like you have so much to say and share but nobody to talk to? Nobody who can really understan...

Narcissism is an epidemic in these times. I'm so sick of what great manipulators these people are so u don't see until later their true motives are ALL ABOUT THEM. How do u find out? When u r really hurting reach out to them and they blow u off like they can't be bothered to give u even two seconds of Thursday precious time cause it doesn't serve THENM. A REALLY painfully time ro,realise the truth.I really would like to hurt them back but it's useless. They're creatures not humans They only IMITATE HUMAN EMOTIINS. HORRIBLE FOR PTSD SUFFERERS.