Question About Memories

[Zaphod]

I've ended up doing a course of CBT since December, initially trying to help with (pretty much constant) severe anxiety (and alot more besides, but I'm being brief) which is/was pretty much ruling my daily life.

I'd put this down to just the way I was designed/the way my brain worked, at the same time not being terribly happy about it.

The fact that I suffered brain damage (with lasting physical effects I won't go into here) in a car accident when I was 7 (28 now) was to me largely irrelevant. Not saying it doesn't affect me daily, but "dwelling on" what caused it is ultimately futile. This is here, this is now, this is what's important, not that.

So I was a bit miffed when during the 6th session he gave me a "dissociation test" questionnaire to complete, and then out of the blue asked "Do you remember the accident? Tell me about it", and after I'd embarrassed myself by pretty much having a panic attack in response to his question (memories that I didn't think bothered me in the slightest, other than he caught me off guard by asking), he suggested ptsd. To be honest I laughed at him at first (Yeah right, I've had ptsd for 21 years and nobody noticed?). He then told me that I'd displayed about half a dozen symptoms of that on each occasion I'd met with him. Not in the slightest what I expected.

So....going through the whole "reliving the experience" thing (in the "I'm 7, and this is happening to me now" sense), and it's hell. I'm doubting my own memories of the event, which makes it hard to put myself back through it even if I wanted to.

I can remember absolutely everything about it. But when I remember it it's like it's not happening to me (I think that's normal from what I've read). Mainly I'm not sure how much I remember and how much I remember because at the time there were so many people asking me about it, and do I remember remembering, but not the memory itself?

I do have very vivid "snapshots in time", almost like I'm seeing a photo of the event and the 24 hours/week after it. These will come to me when I'm thinking about or doing nothing much in particular. Always have done, I've never thought too much about it. But my big issue is that when I try to put myself into that memory, it disappears.

I suppose what I'm asking here is,

• Does this sound familiar at all?

• To what extent are my issues with memories (being able to remember but then again, not) normal for ptsd, and to what extent are they likely to be just plain normal?

• Assuming I can't "find" those memories during the reliving sessions, what happens then? (Probably not looking for a specific answer there, but it's just a thought)

Anyway since I'm not talking to anybody IRL about this whole thing, this has been quite cathartic :-)

thanks

 

[scout86]

Yes, it sounds familiar! I'm not going to try to get into things like "normal", because I don't know enough.

We've been talking a lot about how things are "remembered" that past few weeks in my therapy sessions. As best I understand it, MOST people "remember" normal memories kind of like watching a movie, where an earlier version of themselves is one of the people in the movie. Traumatic memories are more the "OMG this is happening right NOW!" variety.

The "really remembering" vs "remembering remembering" deal, I suspect everyone second guesses themselves when they start really thinking about this. (It will be interesting to hear what other have to say.)

Want to hear something weird? My T tells me that he doesn't think I actually HAVE many "memories" in the way he usually thinks of them. He said that it sounds to him like I "relive" pretty much everything when I "remember" it in any detail. Good stuff and bad. He wants me to be able to visualize things, in the form of pictures, and he uses this as a part of how he gets you to reprocess traumatic memories. Except that I'm finding it utterly impossible to get a concrete picture of ANYTHING I have ever actually seen. I can describe it to you with words. I know what it looked like. But I can't recreate it in the detailed sort of "picture" he's looking for. ("Yet", he would want me to add to that.) But I CAN "picture things that have never been real in clear, sharp detail. The brain is a very strange thing!

 

[franciemarnie]

Familiar and normal for PTSD, which is just normal for any human being who sustains the trauma as we did.

One alternative sort of thing I am doing beyond traditional Somatic Experiencing to heal is going to an Energy Healer. I went initially for reasons of physical pain. Much to my surprise, it has brought up memories long buried.

Today I think I am feeling the original trauma which has always been blocked. Though I have lots of coping strategies, I feel nervous. I am afraid to remember the first trauma, though I know I will be okay.

 

[Powder]

Today I think I am feeling the original trauma which has always been blocked. Though I have lots of coping strategies, I feel nervous. I am afraid to remember the first trauma, though I know I will be okay.

How are you doing? Do you have support. I hope you have a supporter on speed dial. :) Hugs. I think I can relate.

 

[Powder]

@Zaphod Yes, I dissociated and it also annoyed me that it happened just discussing dissociation and measures I can take. It make me feel relatively weak that I dissociated just from the T. mentioning that I'd be heading into that territory at some point.

They wouldn't be called triggers if we could easily prepare for them and prevent them all. I'm sorry this happened, but I think you can handle it all if you pace yourself, trust yourself, and communicate this stuff with the T. enough.

Seven is pretty young. Yes, I can relate to what you mentioned, with feeling like you suddenly become almost "there" and "you" of back then. It's like time travel. And them all the memories I didn't even realize I have been repressing get temporarily loose.

Then, I suck it all back in and it's gone, like magic, lurking somewhere.

 

[franciemarnie]

Thank you dear @Muse. I am doing good.

When I could feel something coming earlier, I told my husband what was going on and that he might see me start to switch into a scared kid or go into a flashback or get extraordinarily emotional and do the somatic release shake.

I am not sure what is happening down under. I was proactive in taking an hour walk and talking to the little one inside. I wrote her a letter and said I am ready to remember if she wants to let go. I don't know how this might manifest. Literally or somatically or in a dream. Everything is sort of calm again. Calm before the storm?

I am sorry @Zaphod to get into my stuff on your thread. I should have gone into one of the splitting threads that these kind of things have been talked about this week, but my stream of consciousness mentioned it in my comment to you.

Thank you @Muse! You are wonderful.