Regression!!!

[RoadtoHappy]

I am looking for some advice please. I was diagnosed with PTSD and OCD last year. 15 years ago I was held against my will assaulted and raped. I kept it a secret for a very long time and ran from it but it slowly caught up with me. I have been doing great. I attend therapy with a very good therapist every week and I am on medication. Things have improved hugely. From a huge reduction in panic attacks, anxiety, ocd thoughts to confidence in myself and enjoying life.

However, last week at session I suddenly and surprisingly remembered a sound I had forgotten listening to while being assaulted. A sound I had not thought of or connects with but now makes sense why similar sounds make me anxious.

Since last week I feel like I have taken a huge step back. I feel so down, lonely, dirty and really undeserving and useless and I cannot shift it. I struggle to cry but feel surges of emotions run through my body. I have spent the whole week blocking the sound memory out which is draining. I have therapy tomorrow and I feel very anxious as I feel so guilty that again my therapist will have to sit and listen to me go on and on about the same stuff. I feel bad she has to see me when I am feeling so done and just want to not discuss it. I also have a tendency to vomit when I talk about these memories which is extremely stressful on its own. It’s pathetic and mortifying.

Guess I am just looking for advice. I know there are always set backs but right now a week later I can’t get away from feeling so worthless.

Apologies for the essay!

 

[blackemerald1]

Hello @RoadtoHappy I'd suggest you give yourself a break. You obviously have been working very hard and have achieved a great deal.

I feel like I have taken a huge step back. I feel so down, lonely, dirty and really undeserving and useless and I cannot shift it.

You have just discovered the sound that was prominent in your trauma. Sometimes little things can have big effects. This is not your fault. It is simply a fact. You could not have predicted that this would arise. It may feel like you have taken a step back but in reality you actually have taken a step forward. It is good that you have identified this sound now and you can deal with it during therapy. It will probably take a while but it sounds like you are more than capable of dealing with it with your therapist.

I feel so guilty that again my therapist will have to sit and listen to me go on and on about the same stuff. I feel bad she has to see me when I am feeling

But this is what your therapist is paid the big bucks for. She is there to help you deal with all of your trauma. Obviously you trust her. She will not be disappointed (or she shouldn't be) And you must tell her about this sound and work on it with her.

Good luck :hug: