Sexual Assault Roleplay gone wrong

[AllisonStern]

I've for a very long time had rape fantasies. As much as I feel ashamed admitting that, I can't deny that fact. I was sexually assaulted two years ago, and the fantasies never stopped.

Anyways, flash forward to now. Tonight I negotiated with a trusted partner that I wanted to roleplay a consensual "non-consent" scene. We set boundaries and safewords, and I was very excited for the scene.

As it was happening it was fun at first, and then it wasn't. I started getting actually hurt and found the experience to start being distressing instead of arousing. I stupidly tried to push through it instead of calling a safeword, and completely dissociated from what was happening, genuinely starting to feel like it was real (even though I had complete control and should have stopped it).

I'm really shaken by the experience, and I'm in a lot of pain because of the severe marks my partner left. My partner didn't feel comfortable with aftercare because he too was reexperiencing some really unpleasant memories.

I guess I'm just looking for help in managing this flooding brought on by this? Any tips on how to say no in the future? Pain remedies? I'm just panicking.

 

[Justmehere]

You don’t have anything to be ashamed of - you just tried to master trauma through a rennactment. Lots of survivors try to do that in a wide variety of ways.

Was causing this level of injury part of the plan?

If you need medical attention, seek medical attention. Your partner doesn’t have to be able to go for you to go. Get the help you need.

 

[AllisonStern]

You don’t have anything to be ashamed of - you just tried to master trauma through a rennactment....

Thank you. I saw my T this morning and she actually said the exact same thing.

That level of pain wasn't really part of the plan. I gave him free access to what he wanted to do, and I think in that area he kind of got carried away.

I just feel drained and icky. My T said I kind of "kicked the bear" on this one, and there's not a whole lot I can do except ride the wave (through self care).

 

[Suzetig]

It sounds like you’ve had a real bump with this one, I’d agree with getting some medical care for your injuries and keep talking it through.

Just so you know, I took the trigger warning out of your post - we don’t use them here but I didn’t want you to wonder what had happened to your post.

 

[Justmehere]

Kudos to you for talking with your therapist about it. Did she talk to you about using any grounding techniques to ride out the wave of symptoms? One of my quickest go-to techniques when anxious is to hold ice. It snaps my body and brain back into the here-and-now and can sometimes calm my nervous system. The more you can stay connected to this moment now, and reestablish that the past trauma is over, and this reenactment is now over too, the more the fight or flight survival response will hopefully calm down.

 

[AllisonStern]

@Justmehere Yeah, she wants me to do 3-4 minutes of qigong and 20 minutes of meditation. The ice idea is really good though! Thanks!

 

[Justmehere]

I find that I need more active ways to ground myself. If you are ever looking for other ideas, I’d suggest using the search bar on this forum or googling “grounding techniques” - there is a lot of great free info out there.

 

[Friday]

I stupidly tried to push through it instead of calling a safeword, and completely dissociated from what was happening, genuinely starting to feel like it was real

So... if you want to do this kind of thing? Start small... for the purpose of deliberately using your safe word.

I used safe words in/as games with my kids, in part to get them practiced in deliberately saying no/stop/etc. as a trust & self confidence thing in this culture (say no, and nothing bad happens, it’s just a thing... play on!), and in part so that they could learn to stop/freeze no matter how much fun they were having or how much they didn’t see the reason to, when someone else called halt. A lot of kid games are very naturally about this, listening to authority, I just reversed it a bit to hardline their own authority. Also to make their normal being listened to, so the odd thing would be someone not listening. Not everyone is going to stop when you tell them, to. And not in every situation does someone have the authority to demand it. Deciding who to listen to, when? Also part of this. Although a different part.

Because... kids... clearly this was 100% non-sexual.

^^^ Which means, when practicing safe words you want to use in sex? You can start there. Pick something you have a natural limit in, that is unlikely to trigger you into memories or disassociation. Tickling would be a good example of a natural limit most people have. Stop! ...Go. Stop! Go. Stop!....um....Okay....Go. Stop! <<< Part of this, is saying stop before you need to. Not waiting until you’re about to punch them in fury or trying to escape. >>> But you can turn almost any activity into a listening game.

Get practiced in use & trust, first.
Then get practiced in individual acts.
THEN move onto small scenes, or whole scenes.

It’s about trust. And formalizing trust / cementing it.

I was never really into the BDSM scene, because I’m not big into formalizing / rule following. I like the much faster dance of yes/no/pay-attention! that’s in other kinds of sex. But I’ve spent a great deal of time around the BDSM community... and it always struck me how much like parenting, it is. A whooooooooole lot of laying the groundwork for things to come later. Building up practice & habit, before employing it.

 

[shimmerz]

for the purpose of deliberately using your safe word.

Agreed. The idea of enactment is to put into place controls you didn't have during the event you are reenacting. That can be super difficult to do.

I wonder if you decide to role play again, whether actually having an event that you and your partner decide on as being your limit is put into place and your partner can help guide you towards learning how to say stop in case you zone out too much to do so yourself.

 

[Justmehere]

Perhaps also not just having a word to stop, but a word to keep going that your partner could ask for from time to time. If you don’t say it, then it’s time to stop.