Scared Of Memories

[Misul]

So, for most of my life, therapy has revolved around coping techniques and how to survive day to day life because I had a job, etc and could not handle the stress of digging up the past.

I left work due to health reasons and my PTSD is getting worse, or to be more accurate, I am becoming more aware of how much it affects me. Anyway, my therapist insisted that we start intense therapy to talk about the past. She said she knows of ways in which we can talk about the past while making it feel less intense. I have no idea what that means. But my first session is tonight and I'm very afraid. I keep looking around for something to take with me and hold onto. I doubt if I'll be able to face her while speaking about the past, I'll probably turn my back to her.

I don't expect that I will feel well after the session. What I am most worried about is constantly being triggered through this entire process and being unable to take care of myself. I will tell her that.

Anyone have any advice?

Thank you,

Misul

 

[madmax]

Please don't let anyone tell you when it's the right time to discuss the past.
You set the parameters it's going to hurt your brain regardless; from my experiences.

Be strong Misul

Max

 

[Misul]

Max,

Thank you and I agree. I do think now is the right time while I don't have many responsibilities that might suffer. I'm going to have major surgery in the next year to two years that will hopefully put me in a condition to work again. Before I do, I want to be on the path towards healing because the emotional pain is just as debilitating as my health issues.

I don't know how to prepare for what I'm about to experience. I've always been able to prepare myself for anything, I'm an expert at it, but I don't think it's possible to prepare for this.

Misul

 

[Misul]

I am really sick to my stomach thinking about doing this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Has your therapist taught you a lot of coping skills and are you able to use those skills? If not, it's way too early to be discussing the trauma itself.

Ok I see you know a lot of coping skills but do they work?

 

[Misul]

Yes, they work, but I haven't been digging up the past. My abuse was quite severe on a daily basis and I'm still surrounded by reminders of it since I live with my dad. I'm not the kind of person that can ask for help, so if I can't care for myself, I'd likely starve to death in my room. I'd feel okay about this if I had a supporter, but I don't.

So maybe I'm not ready. I've been trying to finish this bowl of oatmeal for the past hour, but I'm so sick to my stomach, I'm only half way done.

 

[Tinyflame]

Every tiny step helps Misul. :hug:

 

[Hashi]

I think the first thing to do is talk to your therapist about "ways in which we can talk about the past while making it feel less intense" - what that entails, and what about between sessions. I think it's important to establish safety and coping first, not just for life generally but for working on trauma specifically. In my view, there needs to be plenty of discussion about keeping things safe, before actually talking about anything.

I'm very much for talking about trauma in therapy, I think it can be very healing, but only if done carefully and with a lot of attention to safety. Hopefully your therapist will work with you on this, and hopefully you'll also feel able to tell her how anxious you've been in advance. This is part of therapy - how we feel beforehand and how we feel after - so I think you need to talk about it and discuss what you both can do to manage it. For example, maybe it would help you to have more idea what she wants to cover in the forthcoming session. Better still, to decide on that jointly rather than waiting to see what she has in mind. That might give you more feeling of containment and being in control.

I feel a bit nervous reading you say "my therapist insisted that we start intense therapy...". Do you know what she means by intense? Does that feel right to you? If it does, then fine. If you have concerns then I think it's important to talk with her about that before doing anything.

 

[radicalgratitude]

One thing that helps me is talking about the abuse in third person. A thing I learned at Intensive Trauma Therapy (ITT) is that you can look at what happened to you from the role of a silent observer. Imagine what you looked like at that time and watch what happened from across the room. This happened to Little ______. She was scared.

 

[Misul]

radical, I think that's probably what she meant.

I had my appointment and expressed to her how anxious I'd been all day. I said that I'd be willing to talk about memories that come up, but I don't want to needlessly start digging around for bad things. She agreed to this and we just discussed one memory today and the rest spent on dissociation/identities. All is well.

Thank you for all your support.

 

[KrispyKreme]

((((((((((Misul)))))))))

I don't have any advice but want to let you know that I hear you.

Be gentle on yourself.

KK

 

[Misul]

((KK))

Thank you for your kind words. :)