Seeking/Begging For Validation Beyond What One Expect

[oops!]

1. I "knew" the proof. That was there was nothing of note or needing immediate attention.

2. He triggered me and I assumed I "didn't know".

Both. Both equally.

I don't know that I can escape the feeling of both. At least not yet. For now I am looking to minimize the self destructive behavior while I am searching for answers.

Not tossing it.

 

[oops!]

Just a story. Not me seeking help or advisement. Just a story of nieghbor that if you had followed along this far may get some "entertainment" from.

They had retired from Arizona to little town Northern Illinois. Very much against the normal migration routes.

Early on they found friendship in a nieghbor that is actually a close friend of mine. They then got close to some of her family..

They then shares some political beliefs(racist views) with each other.

When I met this couple they had already found friendship with my nieghbors family. I actually crashed their party to introduce myself.

Soon after the wife says something along these lines "It is so nice to be around people who feel and behave like we do."

At moment it felt like the nicest lady in world had found acceptance in my racist world. I was very taken back about the words she spoke. And yet I was happy to have such a nice lady feel welcome by me.

Few weeks later. Before I approach neighbor(male) about dog issue. We have become accustomed to waiving to each other. Saying hello when we get mail.

I go to get mail one day, I give the casual wave, wife goes to wave back and gets a glance from husband. Her hand goes down, eyes go away. Never to come back. That asshole wiped her smile off her face.

That sweet voice wasn't racist. She thought she found a place he would be happy. There was no she in her words around him. Just a smile that lasted for a moment in time. I am glad I saw it.

 

[Sideways]

I’ve always interpreted fawning to be behaviour directed towards the aggressor. But very definitely, it’s a conflict avoidance strategy.

Which this isn’t. Quite the opposite, it’s a bit like grabbing the conflict (one person’s issues with your dogs), and running through the neighbourhood with it setting a whole heap of potential new fires, with other neighbours.

Over-compensating, as a coping strategy, does sound closer to me. Which is super dooper common with dysfunctional schemas like “I am unworthy”.

I went back and recanvassed my own nieborhhood. I found myself asking everyone within 3 houses if my dogs bothered them. If my dogs intimidated them. If my nice guy personality intimidated them.

Here’s the thing, that last question? Is a no-win scenario. Best answer is “No, your nice guy personality doesn’t intimidate me”. But, that’s hardly a compliment. That question sets you up to receive a negative response either way. Which, yeah, leads you to wonder:

I still am not sure what I was asking.

What if you think about this the other way round. What responses were you hoping to get? What responses would have felt good?

If you can figure out what responses you were hoping for, then it may be easier to figure out what you really wanted to ask.

If there wasn’t any response that would have felt good? That’s crazy helpful to know. Because that’s straight up self-sabotage.

Punishing ourselves when we feel unworthy. Omg if I had a dollar for every member here who did that from time to time! (Me included)

Why did I risk my relationship with nieghbors by asking such uncomfortable questions? Why couldn't I stop? Why did I recieve nothing but positive feedback and still feel invalidated?

Because a damaged sense of self worth is a much bigger beast than anything the neighbours from hell can throw at us. No amount of ‘validation’ from others is gonna fix it. The validation, ultimately, for our own self worth, needs to come from ourselves.

 

[oops!]

My actions last fall are paying off now. I won that damn fight!

I went silent for a long time. My questions to neighbors were so damn uncomfortable. However about 6 months later they are coming to me. How did you get this asshole off your case?

My path was so damaging to myself yet has worth to others.....

I don't even know what to say next. Still processing.