Hello all,
I know that it has been some time since I have written a post or updated. I found out that I had a miscarriage from my last pregnancy post due to stress and too much weight loss. It was a crazy emotional time for me as well. So to update you all, a series of events has happened since when I found out I was pregnant.
About 3 weeks ago, I had a meltdown because my parents called me and told me things that were emotionally and mentally abusive. It made me cry and cry all day. They told me things that brought me back to my childhood where I got PTSD in the first place. They are my biggest triggers by far. My ex came home to me crying only to pick up his pillow from the bed to go sleep on the couch and turned on the TV. I continued to cry for another hour and something in me snapped. I got out of bed and while crying, went in to the living room where he was and saw my laptop on the coffee table. I than took the laptop and threw it in to the TV and shattered the screen. He called the cops and filed a report, but he didn't press charges so I was not arrested. I went to a shelter that night because the cops told me I could not sleep at the apt for the night. I came back 2 days later, only to be served with a summons to family court for domestic violence. The summons said that I was not to be near him, his home, or his job. Also no contact by phone. And no harassment, assault, or criminal activity. I than found out that the day in between from the cops being called and me getting served, he went to file a Order of Protection against me and that is why I was served.
Last week, I went to the doctor to find out that I had a miscarriage, and that my percentages of being able to get pregnant in the future is slim to none. It broke my heart. I was devastated and went numb. I managed to contact people I know to get oxycodone and I overdosed. I lost my phone, and someone found me passed out in the street. Turns out this person knew my parents so they contacted them. My mother than called in favors to make sure that what I had done wasn't public and she hid me in the home of her friends and had me under care with private doctors. I wasn't allowed near any electronics so I had no form of communication with anyone. I guess my ex started to worry when I hadn't been back at the apt or tried to reach him for 5 days. He also asked around to mutual friends to see if they heard from me and no one knew where I was. He than went back to the police station to file a missing persons report. I didn't know any of this happened, and when I was some what stable, I asked my nurse to call my phone. It was off, so we had to type in my pin/password to retrieve any voicemails. I than heard the message from a detective saying that my ex had filed a missing persons report. So my nurse called the detective to clarify that I was alive and in a safe place. My mother also made it a point to mention to me that she wanted me under private care because she didn't want me to be an embarrassment to her life. God forbid her friends found out that her daughter had an attempt to suicide. I tried to ignore her as best I could.
Yesterday was my court date for the summons. I did go. To my knowledge, I know that my ex didn't want to press charges and he wanted to dismiss the charge. But when I got their, we were appointed lawyers and another court date to settle the matter in a month. The Order of Protection also got downgraded to just no harassment, abuse, or criminal activity. I was allowed to be back in the apt. So after court, I go back to the apt to retrieve more of my items to leave for the weekend. I have decided that trying to make this relationship work is not going to work anymore. Especially if I got violent and managed to break someone's property. So I am trying to not be in the apt as much as possible. The only thing I wanted is to have access to the apt so that I can go to get items that I need. And when I was ready to move out completely in one shot, than I would. Anyways, I go to the apt after court only to find some of my personal items packed in boxes. And he told me that he had started to do it the night before. He never told me so, or asked permission. I told what happened to my lawyer, and she said to call the police because the new order states that I can be in the house. And he is not allowed to touch my stuff without permission. I didn't call the cops, only to realize that it most likely would just cause bigger problems and make things more dramatic. Things I can't handle right now. But man, did it hurt to see all our photos together, and things we bought together packed away in boxes as if our relationship never existed. He proceeded to tell me that the only way that he is going to get the order dismissed is when I take all my stuff and get out. He also said that inside I am a bad person. That I am a liar about the pregnancy and overdose. That I have made his life hell and he no longer cares anymore about me what so ever.
The only thing I needed was some time. Nothing else. I don't really speak to family and my friends have their own lives and can not house me. I have been in and out of shelters. I found a job, but it doesn't start for another month. I just needed to start my job and save money to finally get my things and leave. But he doesn't even want that. He said that all reasons for being patient and waiting for me to leave on my own has changed ever since I broke the TV. Sometimes I randomly cry, sometimes I'm so numb that I feel nothing. Sometimes I wonder why someone had to find me when I overdosed. I now feel like maybe therapy hasn't helped me. I feel like I am self destructing. The scary thing is that I am not scared to end my life. I'm scared to hurt the people that may actually care about me. I'm scared to become only a statistic. A story for one day where people think that I'm just a woman that died because of a broken heart. But I realized that I don't feel this way only because of him. He is just a small piece of the bigger picture. I know that if I die, there will be no one to tell the whole story about how I really feel.
I am just consumed in darkness. And to be honest, I don't even know if I want to leave the dark. How can anyone want to help me if I don't want to help myself? I'm at the point of giving up... on life and on myself.
I know that it has been some time since I have written a post or updated. I found out that I had a miscarriage from my last pregnancy post due to stress and too much weight loss. It was a crazy emotional time for me as well. So to update you all, a series of events has happened since when I found out I was pregnant.
About 3 weeks ago, I had a meltdown because my parents called me and told me things that were emotionally and mentally abusive. It made me cry and cry all day. They told me things that brought me back to my childhood where I got PTSD in the first place. They are my biggest triggers by far. My ex came home to me crying only to pick up his pillow from the bed to go sleep on the couch and turned on the TV. I continued to cry for another hour and something in me snapped. I got out of bed and while crying, went in to the living room where he was and saw my laptop on the coffee table. I than took the laptop and threw it in to the TV and shattered the screen. He called the cops and filed a report, but he didn't press charges so I was not arrested. I went to a shelter that night because the cops told me I could not sleep at the apt for the night. I came back 2 days later, only to be served with a summons to family court for domestic violence. The summons said that I was not to be near him, his home, or his job. Also no contact by phone. And no harassment, assault, or criminal activity. I than found out that the day in between from the cops being called and me getting served, he went to file a Order of Protection against me and that is why I was served.
Last week, I went to the doctor to find out that I had a miscarriage, and that my percentages of being able to get pregnant in the future is slim to none. It broke my heart. I was devastated and went numb. I managed to contact people I know to get oxycodone and I overdosed. I lost my phone, and someone found me passed out in the street. Turns out this person knew my parents so they contacted them. My mother than called in favors to make sure that what I had done wasn't public and she hid me in the home of her friends and had me under care with private doctors. I wasn't allowed near any electronics so I had no form of communication with anyone. I guess my ex started to worry when I hadn't been back at the apt or tried to reach him for 5 days. He also asked around to mutual friends to see if they heard from me and no one knew where I was. He than went back to the police station to file a missing persons report. I didn't know any of this happened, and when I was some what stable, I asked my nurse to call my phone. It was off, so we had to type in my pin/password to retrieve any voicemails. I than heard the message from a detective saying that my ex had filed a missing persons report. So my nurse called the detective to clarify that I was alive and in a safe place. My mother also made it a point to mention to me that she wanted me under private care because she didn't want me to be an embarrassment to her life. God forbid her friends found out that her daughter had an attempt to suicide. I tried to ignore her as best I could.
Yesterday was my court date for the summons. I did go. To my knowledge, I know that my ex didn't want to press charges and he wanted to dismiss the charge. But when I got their, we were appointed lawyers and another court date to settle the matter in a month. The Order of Protection also got downgraded to just no harassment, abuse, or criminal activity. I was allowed to be back in the apt. So after court, I go back to the apt to retrieve more of my items to leave for the weekend. I have decided that trying to make this relationship work is not going to work anymore. Especially if I got violent and managed to break someone's property. So I am trying to not be in the apt as much as possible. The only thing I wanted is to have access to the apt so that I can go to get items that I need. And when I was ready to move out completely in one shot, than I would. Anyways, I go to the apt after court only to find some of my personal items packed in boxes. And he told me that he had started to do it the night before. He never told me so, or asked permission. I told what happened to my lawyer, and she said to call the police because the new order states that I can be in the house. And he is not allowed to touch my stuff without permission. I didn't call the cops, only to realize that it most likely would just cause bigger problems and make things more dramatic. Things I can't handle right now. But man, did it hurt to see all our photos together, and things we bought together packed away in boxes as if our relationship never existed. He proceeded to tell me that the only way that he is going to get the order dismissed is when I take all my stuff and get out. He also said that inside I am a bad person. That I am a liar about the pregnancy and overdose. That I have made his life hell and he no longer cares anymore about me what so ever.
The only thing I needed was some time. Nothing else. I don't really speak to family and my friends have their own lives and can not house me. I have been in and out of shelters. I found a job, but it doesn't start for another month. I just needed to start my job and save money to finally get my things and leave. But he doesn't even want that. He said that all reasons for being patient and waiting for me to leave on my own has changed ever since I broke the TV. Sometimes I randomly cry, sometimes I'm so numb that I feel nothing. Sometimes I wonder why someone had to find me when I overdosed. I now feel like maybe therapy hasn't helped me. I feel like I am self destructing. The scary thing is that I am not scared to end my life. I'm scared to hurt the people that may actually care about me. I'm scared to become only a statistic. A story for one day where people think that I'm just a woman that died because of a broken heart. But I realized that I don't feel this way only because of him. He is just a small piece of the bigger picture. I know that if I die, there will be no one to tell the whole story about how I really feel.
I am just consumed in darkness. And to be honest, I don't even know if I want to leave the dark. How can anyone want to help me if I don't want to help myself? I'm at the point of giving up... on life and on myself.
