PandaBear12212
Bronze Member
This is my official trigger warning, read this at your own risk.
Tonight I self harmed. I had gone about a month without it but tonight I just kept saying, "Tonight I'm just not strong enough." I was semi-okay earlier because I was distracted while out with friends. But then when I got back to my dorm room all the thoughts flooded back in. I kept replaying what my boyfriend said to me when he broke up with me. And it hurts so much on the inside it's like I physically feel it. My chest aches, my throat burns, my shoulders feel heavy.
I've also had extremely bad suicidal ideation tonight. To the point of looking up "mercy euthanasia depression" and multiple tactics of suicide. Also while walking past the lake today on the way back to my dorm I couldn't help but imagine drowning myself. Or before crossing the street I kept imagining running in front of the car last minute. These thoughts are extremely vivid and graphic. When I think about shooting myself, I imagine where I would shoot myself, what I would say, and it's so graphic that my muscles tense up, like I can feel the gun in my hands and pulling the trigger and hearing the loud "BANG." Or when I think about slitting my wrists my muscles tense up and I can imagine every little detail of it. When I walk through the forest on campus I imagine myself hanging from the trees. It's really, really bad.
The tension kept building up and building up and I know this isn't right but it's like my head is just screaming with these thoughts. I mean I cant literally hear it like a schizophrenic patient but it's like my own voice is screaming just to end it all. I really need a release tonight and I truly felt that if I didn't self harm I would kill myself. I tried breathing techniques, videos, music, stress ball, but none of it helped me.
I'm so upset right now. I was going to get a tattoo to cover up the huge patch of scars on my thigh, but I just got hired as a waitress today so I can't get any tattoos I can't cover up. I hate seeing the scars because it reminds me of all of the hell I went through. I just feel so rock bottom right now, and I am really uncomfortable talking to my friends about it. No one actually just talks to me and listens, instead they all have to try to convince me why I'm wrong or go and tell my parents. That isn't what I want.
I finally told my parents about my diagnoses today. I told them that I had been seeing another counselor and that my health was getting worse. But they can not help me feel any better with my suicidal ideation. They can't console me. Not to mention they have a biased opinion, them being my parents.
I just had to get the thoughts out, I'm trying very hard not to self harm more but I find it increasingly difficult.
Tonight I self harmed. I had gone about a month without it but tonight I just kept saying, "Tonight I'm just not strong enough." I was semi-okay earlier because I was distracted while out with friends. But then when I got back to my dorm room all the thoughts flooded back in. I kept replaying what my boyfriend said to me when he broke up with me. And it hurts so much on the inside it's like I physically feel it. My chest aches, my throat burns, my shoulders feel heavy.
I've also had extremely bad suicidal ideation tonight. To the point of looking up "mercy euthanasia depression" and multiple tactics of suicide. Also while walking past the lake today on the way back to my dorm I couldn't help but imagine drowning myself. Or before crossing the street I kept imagining running in front of the car last minute. These thoughts are extremely vivid and graphic. When I think about shooting myself, I imagine where I would shoot myself, what I would say, and it's so graphic that my muscles tense up, like I can feel the gun in my hands and pulling the trigger and hearing the loud "BANG." Or when I think about slitting my wrists my muscles tense up and I can imagine every little detail of it. When I walk through the forest on campus I imagine myself hanging from the trees. It's really, really bad.
The tension kept building up and building up and I know this isn't right but it's like my head is just screaming with these thoughts. I mean I cant literally hear it like a schizophrenic patient but it's like my own voice is screaming just to end it all. I really need a release tonight and I truly felt that if I didn't self harm I would kill myself. I tried breathing techniques, videos, music, stress ball, but none of it helped me.
I'm so upset right now. I was going to get a tattoo to cover up the huge patch of scars on my thigh, but I just got hired as a waitress today so I can't get any tattoos I can't cover up. I hate seeing the scars because it reminds me of all of the hell I went through. I just feel so rock bottom right now, and I am really uncomfortable talking to my friends about it. No one actually just talks to me and listens, instead they all have to try to convince me why I'm wrong or go and tell my parents. That isn't what I want.
I finally told my parents about my diagnoses today. I told them that I had been seeing another counselor and that my health was getting worse. But they can not help me feel any better with my suicidal ideation. They can't console me. Not to mention they have a biased opinion, them being my parents.
I just had to get the thoughts out, I'm trying very hard not to self harm more but I find it increasingly difficult.
