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Several losses during Healing


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Hi All. This will be unedited and a little disjointed. My big T was witnessing someone’s death and not having the capacity to help due to age & disbelief. While I had a supportive community, I was “too stubborn” to receive proper help until college age. In response to this, along with diagnosed mental illness prior to the trauma and a household that had other traumatized but not outwardly harmful folks living around me, I tend to leave either emotionally or physically.

My on/off again partner of 6 years was mostly healthy but we both had CPTSD and substance use issues. I found out last week he died in July. I also realized another person from my past I cared about but couldnt remain connected to also died in 2022. I ended up drinking yesterday after not for a week, having already taken mental health days from work to get healthier mindset, then found out on a Google search that one of my favorite people, without substance use or harmful behavior, died in March from cancer.

I am 42. So many people in my life who I saw as kinship spirits, died. The odd positive in this is a reminder it’s not something I could prevent and it’s also a lot. I purposely removed connections due to fear. I still cant process death and honor people the way that feels right to me. My depression also robs me of my full feelings.

I want to accept myself and also have been going through gender identity stuff as well. I isolate and retreat from a lot. I know im human and also dont feel like i am most of the time.

Grateful for a good therapist who was just on vacation this week and also that i trusted myself to take mental health days. I wont drink today and i will move forward.

Thanks for reading.