Sexual Issues, Drug Use, Rape And The Present

[kittiekittie]

I was raped by someone known to me in the past. I also had a drug problem, and had kind of an unhealthy outlook in regards to sex. I've been victimized by men often throughout my life and is what triggered my ptsd diagnoses in the past. Though I no longer fit the PTSD criteria, I feel weird about sex now.

I like sex, and I am in a committed relationship, but I guess I am just used to it having negative connotations. I still feel bad and/or guilty about the past, and I feel like to some degree I lost my sexual identity if that makes sense. I am not questioning my sexuality, and I really don't even know how to explain it. I am having a hard time articulating it to my therapist too. I guess what I am asking is how do you feel good about sex, when in the past it has been used to hurt you or take advantage of you? How do you find that positivity and balance in a society that consistently objectifies you as a sexual object?

 

[Rumors]

Good question! I hope someone has an answer for you!

Sending strength your way and best wishes on your path to find answers.

 

[Anna]

Kittiekittie, I know where you are coming from. I have been having the same thoughts recently too. Sometimes it really can drag you down. Sometimes it is so hard to see any good in this world.

 

[smilecontagious]

Hi, kittiekittie, What you wrote inspired me to join this forum. I think I can relate to your feelings. All it takes is one victimization to start seeing yourself like a vulnerable target for sexual abuse in one form or another. Add to one victimization another one, or two, or three and well, it can easily add up to an overwhelming sense of fear and uncertainty whenever intimacy is involved...I experienced that more times than I can count.

One thing that helps me cope with these not-so-pleasant feelings that come up during intimacy is actually taking more initiative or "controlling" certain aspects of it. By being the one initiating intimacy I feel powerful rather than overpowered. After initiating it more and more I definitely noticed a positive change in perception and I started thoroughly enjoying intimacy again.

After I started doing this I realized there was something else I was doing wrong. Often I was letting my guard down in the intimacy department in hopes of obtaining what I was really after-love and security. Letting down my guard in hopes of getting what I wanted never proved successful for me so I stopped. I have a policy: if a relationship is providing me with the love and security that I know I need then intimacy is appropriate for me. If not then I know intimacy will only make me re-experience the traumas of the past.

There is something else that has helped me, too. Forgive me if this sounds absurd-I realize I am probably alone in this view but another thing that has helped me is to not allow my feelings to determine what I believe I am experiencing. Our feelings are just a part of what we experience and though they are always valid in their own right they are not the sole indicators of how we should view something. Sometimes our feelings are "broken" or bad measurements of our lives. That has also helped overcome some hurdles I couldn't find a way around...Hope his helps.

Thanks for sharing your story with us-