SoSadGuilty
Silver Member
Hello all,
I am very frightened writing this but I have been reading this forum anonymously on and off for years and feel I need to talk to others who may understand or who may even hate me for my story.I am very sorry in advance to those whom I may offend or hurt with this post. There are so many hurt people on this forum and I don't for one minute want to add to that hurt.
I am a woman with a fantastic husband and three wonderful children. Believe me when I say I think meeting my husband when I did saved me, we are now together almost 16 years. I have been struggling for almost all of those years with depression, anxiety, panic, guilt, shame and about 5 years ago I was also diagnosed with OCD. The severity of the illness waxes and wanes as medication dampens fears and I sometimes allow myself to be happy without guilt. I have been hospitalised twice with severe post-natal depression. However, during my journey through therapy and medication I met one therapist who suggested I may have PTSD, she suggested a book I should buy called 'Waking the Tiger' but I never got to see her again as she was a publicly funded therapist and had no appointments. I tried reading the book but where I was mentally at that time I was unable to do. I also feel / felt that saying I have PTSD was allowing me off the hook for shameful behaviours and that I was just inherently evil. So I persisted in dealing with the OCD and did a lot of ERP and fear facing about 5 years which really did seem to help. I have been gradually tapering off my meds for the past 2 years and recently moved down to a very low dosage of anti-depressant. The anxiety had been manageable for some years and I really felt well when... WHAM... I've spent the last week feeling like evil incarnate and hit suicidal two nights ago. So went to doc upped my anti-depressant and am popping the valium again. My children are now old enough to see and understand I am distressed so I have had to explain that I suffer with depression and I get bad thoughts. I have no idea if I truly have PTSD but I have made an appointment with a clinical psychologist to explore more in a few weeks (no sooner appointment available).
I do know I was an anxious, fearful child who was afraid a lot particularly of my father. My father was angry and he did hit us when angry, more than just a slap really, I remember being what I would describe as thumped by him when things went wrong. I have a good relationship with him now but have had periods of not speaking to him or any of my family as I found it too stressful to deal with them and my depression / anxiety. I always felt I disappointed my family, I was always too sensitive, too moody and emotional. As a teen I overheard my father describe me as bitch more than once, in fairness probably was being an absolute bitch but to me it was just more evidence of my awfulness. I was also bullied in primary school by my best friend, she would withdraw her friendship when I disagreed with her or displeased her in some way. I also have a very vague memory from very young of being inappropriately touched by a young guy working for my parents, he was probably a teenager, but my parents wouldn't engage when I tried to ask them about it. I think my mother caught him or almost caught him and he got sent home to his family.
I feel really dreadful writing this down but here goes nothing.I believe I acted out sexually as a teen and young adult. I buried a lot of the memories for a time but having children brought them to the fore again and I have struggled with the guilt and shame for almost 10 + years now. As I said sometimes I can focus on work and get on with life but invariably every few years I have a relapse, this is probably the worst since 2008. My acting out seems to have taken various forms including sleeping with everyone and anyone who would have me and my overwhelming sense of wanting to be loved, to be desirable, to be safe and accepted. The shameful part is that I think I was inappropriate around kids a few times even into my early 20's and that I really cannot forgive myself for. I self reported to social services in early 2005 as I was so terrified I was a monster. They listened to me and came to visit me in my home and said they were more concerned about my mental health than any threat to children. I was hospitalised shortly afterwards and put on a range of drugs which seemed to send the memories into sleeping once more. I then taught yoga to kids while my own kids were young but was plagued by fear on and off throughout the period. I gave up when I got pregnant with my third child and afterwards I couldn't go back as I was so overwhelmed by fear that I was a child molesting monster. In 2009 I actually contacted the parents of some of the children I felt I had been inappropriate to or around, not one remembered anything or any incident that their child reported. I know that in at least one case I definitely said stuff that I would not say to my own child and I know that I was caught pleasuring myself in another case but pretending I was just scratching myself (Ugh it really hurts to even say it). I will say that the pleasuring myself was unrelated to the child and more about me thinking she was too busy watching TV or wouldn't notice what I was doing. Others involve me reacting badly to a kid saying something like oh I saw your boobs and me saying "oh yeah you want to look" or something similar.
I know after the incident where I was caught pleasuring myself (by the kid) I pretended to chase her with my hand and she freaked out and I remember nearly dying a 1000 deaths with shame and embarrassment afterwards. I know I apologised to her later and said she should never do anything with anyone she didn't want to and she should always tell her parents everything. I also know I considered handing myself into the police at the time. I am terrified of liking children in case it appears I am overly interested in them, I am naturally a generous person but if I ever do anything spontaneously generous for kids I am terrified it means I am trying to groom them. Everything I do even with my own kids I question if it is appropriate. I went through a phase of obsessively worrying that I was going into my kids rooms at night and getting into bed with them. I have run and re-run these memories 1000's of times and it makes me sick each time. I fear I harmed someone and that I deserve to be punished but if the punishment means losing my children or their love then I don't know how I can live with that.
I should add that I LOVE my children and cannot imagine harming them, I never want to harm anyone and it is the guilt and shame to think that I may have done so even unintentionally that makes me so sick. I keep contemplating suicide because I can't see how a sicko like me should live. I've repeatedly confessed these things to my husband, my therapists, my doctors, friends and I still can't forgive myself. I live in fear of losing everything because someday everyone will find out that I am an evil person who doesn't deserve happiness. Many of you on here may think the same when reading my story or at least the summary of why I am here but I hope that some of you may find it in your hearts to reach out to me and provide some support because I am at rock bottom again.
I am very frightened writing this but I have been reading this forum anonymously on and off for years and feel I need to talk to others who may understand or who may even hate me for my story.I am very sorry in advance to those whom I may offend or hurt with this post. There are so many hurt people on this forum and I don't for one minute want to add to that hurt.
I am a woman with a fantastic husband and three wonderful children. Believe me when I say I think meeting my husband when I did saved me, we are now together almost 16 years. I have been struggling for almost all of those years with depression, anxiety, panic, guilt, shame and about 5 years ago I was also diagnosed with OCD. The severity of the illness waxes and wanes as medication dampens fears and I sometimes allow myself to be happy without guilt. I have been hospitalised twice with severe post-natal depression. However, during my journey through therapy and medication I met one therapist who suggested I may have PTSD, she suggested a book I should buy called 'Waking the Tiger' but I never got to see her again as she was a publicly funded therapist and had no appointments. I tried reading the book but where I was mentally at that time I was unable to do. I also feel / felt that saying I have PTSD was allowing me off the hook for shameful behaviours and that I was just inherently evil. So I persisted in dealing with the OCD and did a lot of ERP and fear facing about 5 years which really did seem to help. I have been gradually tapering off my meds for the past 2 years and recently moved down to a very low dosage of anti-depressant. The anxiety had been manageable for some years and I really felt well when... WHAM... I've spent the last week feeling like evil incarnate and hit suicidal two nights ago. So went to doc upped my anti-depressant and am popping the valium again. My children are now old enough to see and understand I am distressed so I have had to explain that I suffer with depression and I get bad thoughts. I have no idea if I truly have PTSD but I have made an appointment with a clinical psychologist to explore more in a few weeks (no sooner appointment available).
I do know I was an anxious, fearful child who was afraid a lot particularly of my father. My father was angry and he did hit us when angry, more than just a slap really, I remember being what I would describe as thumped by him when things went wrong. I have a good relationship with him now but have had periods of not speaking to him or any of my family as I found it too stressful to deal with them and my depression / anxiety. I always felt I disappointed my family, I was always too sensitive, too moody and emotional. As a teen I overheard my father describe me as bitch more than once, in fairness probably was being an absolute bitch but to me it was just more evidence of my awfulness. I was also bullied in primary school by my best friend, she would withdraw her friendship when I disagreed with her or displeased her in some way. I also have a very vague memory from very young of being inappropriately touched by a young guy working for my parents, he was probably a teenager, but my parents wouldn't engage when I tried to ask them about it. I think my mother caught him or almost caught him and he got sent home to his family.
I feel really dreadful writing this down but here goes nothing.I believe I acted out sexually as a teen and young adult. I buried a lot of the memories for a time but having children brought them to the fore again and I have struggled with the guilt and shame for almost 10 + years now. As I said sometimes I can focus on work and get on with life but invariably every few years I have a relapse, this is probably the worst since 2008. My acting out seems to have taken various forms including sleeping with everyone and anyone who would have me and my overwhelming sense of wanting to be loved, to be desirable, to be safe and accepted. The shameful part is that I think I was inappropriate around kids a few times even into my early 20's and that I really cannot forgive myself for. I self reported to social services in early 2005 as I was so terrified I was a monster. They listened to me and came to visit me in my home and said they were more concerned about my mental health than any threat to children. I was hospitalised shortly afterwards and put on a range of drugs which seemed to send the memories into sleeping once more. I then taught yoga to kids while my own kids were young but was plagued by fear on and off throughout the period. I gave up when I got pregnant with my third child and afterwards I couldn't go back as I was so overwhelmed by fear that I was a child molesting monster. In 2009 I actually contacted the parents of some of the children I felt I had been inappropriate to or around, not one remembered anything or any incident that their child reported. I know that in at least one case I definitely said stuff that I would not say to my own child and I know that I was caught pleasuring myself in another case but pretending I was just scratching myself (Ugh it really hurts to even say it). I will say that the pleasuring myself was unrelated to the child and more about me thinking she was too busy watching TV or wouldn't notice what I was doing. Others involve me reacting badly to a kid saying something like oh I saw your boobs and me saying "oh yeah you want to look" or something similar.
I know after the incident where I was caught pleasuring myself (by the kid) I pretended to chase her with my hand and she freaked out and I remember nearly dying a 1000 deaths with shame and embarrassment afterwards. I know I apologised to her later and said she should never do anything with anyone she didn't want to and she should always tell her parents everything. I also know I considered handing myself into the police at the time. I am terrified of liking children in case it appears I am overly interested in them, I am naturally a generous person but if I ever do anything spontaneously generous for kids I am terrified it means I am trying to groom them. Everything I do even with my own kids I question if it is appropriate. I went through a phase of obsessively worrying that I was going into my kids rooms at night and getting into bed with them. I have run and re-run these memories 1000's of times and it makes me sick each time. I fear I harmed someone and that I deserve to be punished but if the punishment means losing my children or their love then I don't know how I can live with that.
I should add that I LOVE my children and cannot imagine harming them, I never want to harm anyone and it is the guilt and shame to think that I may have done so even unintentionally that makes me so sick. I keep contemplating suicide because I can't see how a sicko like me should live. I've repeatedly confessed these things to my husband, my therapists, my doctors, friends and I still can't forgive myself. I live in fear of losing everything because someday everyone will find out that I am an evil person who doesn't deserve happiness. Many of you on here may think the same when reading my story or at least the summary of why I am here but I hope that some of you may find it in your hearts to reach out to me and provide some support because I am at rock bottom again.
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