Hi Martin
I hope your being gentle with yourself. It sounds like your body is asking you pretty explicitly for some TLC. Its wonderful when you discover that you can give the child inside you the tender love and care he didnt get when he was younger. I hope your listening to your body and doing nice things for yourself like you would if it was someone else going through this.
I was in much the same place up until recently. In fact I desperately wrote the same post a ways back. One of the things that improved things for me since was identifying some of my triggers (spending time with my family, certain movies/shows, people with boundary-abuse behaviours are some). Ive stopped exposing myself to those triggers, even my family, which improved my sense of brain health alot (less 'brain termites'). Basically I realised through my T that I can advocate for the child inside myself now kind of thing and be that responsible, protective parent to myself rather than perpetuate my parents poisinous morality, inidfference and abuse against myself. Ive made a commitment to endeavour to be the parent to myself I always wished for. Also Ive got a mental list of things I can do that slightly improve things. When I put all those together I started to have some almost normal days (which I thought would never happen again till recently). My list is:
stand or sit in the sun for a few minutes (especially if you dont feel like moving at all)
wrap myself in a blanket
Make hot rose tea
all of the above at once
Look at nature in the back garden and practice grounding with mindfulness
Stay in bed all day watching funny shows (treat myself like Im sick, cause I am)
Do other things for myself I would do for someone whos sick like make soup or get a hot water bottle
Eat chocolate
Down load new ipod songs and go for a walk listening to music (often crying). That helps alot.
Down load kindle books for kindle for PC on complex ptsd and trauma and abuse for a self affirmation (Alice Miller's stuff on surviving bad parenting is awesome, check out her website articles).
Watch clips on youtube (baby monkey riding on a pig is my favourite, seriously, check it out!).
Put on sad music and have a really good cry
Draw a picture (excellent for expressing feelings you cant feel, they just come out in a scribbly image and it feels good)
Do a painting then tell yourself its awesome
Sometimes I think about the cptsd jokes on this site under 'you know you have cptsd when...' and they make me laugh. I love the one 'you know you have cptsd when the teddy bear you hug at night is an urn'. : ) tee hee hee So true!
I think one of the biggest things that took me from feeling like Im going to die all the time and wishing I would cause it was so bad was getting an education around my issues through talking to my T, reading Trauma and Recovery and talking to people I feel safe with. Ive found a nun at the hospital that is really smart and will talk to me for free anytime even though Im not explicitly religious, thats been a great recourse. I suppose thats the point really: recoursing yourself. A blanket is a recourse, a T is a recourse, a happy show or song is a recourse.
Sending you good vibes. Dare to be kind to yourself!
