Starting A Relationship...when To Bring Up The Past

[Chosen]

Hi everyone,

I'm starting a friendship with potential for romantic relationship. We're getting along great so far.

What I'm wondering is when is the time to bring up the past and PTSD...what would you advise?
It does affect me on a day to day level, so at some point it will have to come up. I don't want to unload about what the trauma is, but when is an appropriate time to discuss mental health concerns like that? any ideas?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I would tell about it now while it is at the friendship stage. I would do it very casually, I would just say I have something to tell you, I have ptsd from a trauma or whatever you feel comfortable sharing. Keep it simple. what you choose to share is all up to you. If you need to tell her how it affects you to give her a heads up go for it. I wish you the best in disclosing this to her. Good luck. But be careful and guard yourself too. You do not have to go into alot of detail. This is important to you. Mabe write it up a bit to get the words you want to use are written down so to give you some practice beforehand.

 

[Chosen]

thanks for the feedback gizmo. I appreciate it!

 

[AzureMind]

I wonder why it's so hard to find people who are somewhat empathetic/interested in someone with PTSD? It's not like we're lesser humans for experiencing abuse; quite the contrary actually. Alot of us found a way to SURVIVE something often time BEYOND comprehension...alot of us made it out with our LIVES, when we learned that nothing was promised...maybe some people when push comes to shove really aren't built to handle the type of strength needed to understand, and deal effectively with a person with PTSD.

We're survivors, and at the cost of being a survivor, you learn things about yourself you wouldn't otherwise have learned if you weren't tested...it's a gift, and a curse...I choose to look at it as a gift; I learned I can survive ANYTHING, rather than focusing on the WHY it happened, I'm trying to focus on the fact that I SURVIVED it, and I should use it to motivate me whenever possible.

I didn't go to hell and back, for NOTHING! :)

 

[Enigma66]

Azuremind sorry but your post really irritates me. I'll bite my tongue and just point out a few things that p*** me off.

Do you or any other person with PTSD, seriously put aside your issues as much as you can, sit quietly for 5 minutes, put yourself in the supporters role/shoes and allow yourselves to fully experience what they go through, do you have any inkling at all...?

I find it condescending for you to say..... 'maybe some people when push comes to shove really aren't built to handle the type of strength needed to understand, and deal effectively with a person with PTSD.' Personally I went through hell trying to understand my partner with PTSD and trying to survive another day walking on eggs shells without my nerves screaming at me and trying not to shut myself down. My ultimate strengths/ resources and soul were tested to the max. When push came to shove I shoved back and tried harder and even harder and pulled up every single ounce of strength I had in me.

Innocent person meets innocent person with PTSD, the relationship for the person without PTSD can quickly become beyond their naive and inexperienced comprehension, its a full-on learning experience for us with no let-up, it becomes a matter of survival to keep our own sanity, 'when push comes to shove'... yeah your right maybe we aren't really built to handle a relationship with our lover with PTSD. Along with being a parent/marriage/divorce/death etc and other important experiences in life their is no manual or handbook to guide us, so yes we do falter, fail, make mistakes and learn along the way. We are tested to our utmost limits, and regardless if the relationship lasts the test of time or not we are survivor's in our own right, for a least trying and suffering just as much as our PTSD partner. I had a relationship with a person with PTSD and "I" went through hell and back! Flashbacks and 9 months later after seperating having anxiety attacks, that I have never had before in my life. Meanwhile he continues along his merry old way and I am still reeling/processing and surviving!

Maybe I have picked you up wrong, if I have I am sorry, no offence intended.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Noah, I think Gizmo gives some good advice, that early on is probably for the best. I guess, once the other person knows, they will learn more about how it effects you in the process of getting to know you.

It's not something that I've had to do yet, but it is something I worry about, so I'm glad you asked and I hope you'll let us know how it goes.

Do you or any other person with PTSD, seriously put aside your issues as much as you can, sit quietly for 5 minutes, put yourself in the supporters role/shoes and allow yourselves to fully experience what they go through, do you have any inkling at all...?

I don't have any supporter. But thoughts of letting people into my life in the future are something that I find very stressful. It's stressful for me because when I've opened up to people about abuse before, they have taken advantage of the weak spots it leaves me with and abused the trust I put in them.

But, because I know that to be a difficult thing for me, I have made the effort to read in the supporters section here and to think outside the box of my own experience.There are some amazing people who genuinely battle this illness alongside their partners.

But sometimes, I come across threads in which supporters are venting their frustration and anger. And often in the heat of the moment, they generalise and write about people with ptsd as if everyone who has it is exactly like their husband or wife etc.

I sometimes find it upsetting that people would assume I behave in a certain way because I have ptsd, and it plays on my fears of telling anyone. But I can rationalise and understand that the writer is just venting, and isn't talking about me personally, they are just having a bad day. So I walk away.

I am sorry you had a bad experience with somebody who had ptsd. But we are not all the same.

 

[AzureMind]

Do you or any other person with PTSD, seriously put aside your issues as much as you can, sit quietly for 5 minutes, put yourself in the supporters role/shoes and allow yourselves to fully experience what they go through, do you have any inkling at all...?

Actually, I do; which is why I don't open heartedly vomit my emotions on others; most sufferers would rather NOT deal with this type of thing, I couldn't IMAGINE forcing a friend/lover to go through this, WHY would I want to make them go through that? Maybe I'm not one to sit about and cry 'foul' for all the things I've been through, but I'm speaking from personal experience combined with objective/collective experience when I say that it's tough for supporters to really 'relate' to the experience of living with PTSD PERSONALLY. You kinda went somewhere else with this one, and I'm trying to figure out where it was, but I'm not saying it isn't possible, just that compatibility along with personal experience can really go along way when you are a sufferer with PTSD.

I know for the majority of people I've known/dated without PTSD often times have NO IDEA what it's like, and they often times don't want (and shouldn't HAVE to) to take on the responsibility of dealing with someone who has PTSD; I take ownership of it, and you know, there is a certain 'stigma' that's assigned to people who live with mental illness, and alot of times, the supporter gets 'cold feet' once they really are in the stink of this type of situation; at times it's all you can do to 'put YOUR issues aside as much as you can'...you think I HAVEN'T done that? You think ANYONE else on here hasn't? Alot of us have had no other choice BUT to put our 'issues' aside to give the appearance of normalcy, and swallow the SHAME, GUILT and ABUSE we went through just so we can be the supporter, rather than the victim...when we haven't even GLIMPSED a normal environment; A supporter of a person with PTSD can stick it out with a person with PTSD, but it's VERY difficult, and often times, straining on BOTH people for not understanding each others positions.You can't fault me for being honest and forthright about placing what's REALLY present/can exist as potential pitfalls for both people in this type of relationship.

It DOES take alot of strength, and patience to deal with a person who has PTSD; the panic attacks, the dissociation, the explosive/volatile emotions? Have you SEEN someone punch holes through their walls during a flashback? Have you seen someone come home so drunk, they can't speak, but can vomit all over everything becuse they cant stop their flashbacks? What about when/IF they turn to hard drugs like cocaine, crystal, PCP, etc. to make it stop for a while? There's NOTHING condescending about anything I've said; it's all been the basis of personal experience with the disorder, and dealing with people who suffer from it. It's not a pretty sight, and if you're the exception to the 'PTSD stigma-avoidance' rule, than we NEED more people like you! :)

 

[Alex1991]

I dont usually post in here, I tend to stick to My combatPTSD as us Vets are a whole different breed when it comes to this stuff. But ignoring the debate and going back to your original point Noah. Im currently going through the exact same predicament with a girl i really like at the moment.

She unfortunately was subjected to one of my episodes where i flipped an hurt a guy twice my age. As far as she was aware I was merely defending her honour and she seems to be ok with that and hasnt brought it back up. It wasnt. Something caused my trigger and I just wanted to end him. Fortunately I came to my senses and felt a lot of shame for what I had just done.

The best advice I have had is to only tell her when I completely trust her and Im comfortable. This is about you, not her. You need to look after yourself primarily and not expose yourself to more upset and stress.

The nature of the condition I have found is that when someone finds out you have it, they want to know why. So she needs to respect that yes, you may have some problems. But you tell her when you are good and ready. Not if she pressures you into it.

I hope this helps

Alex

 

[skinnyman]

The best advice I have had is to only tell her when I completely trust her and Im comfortable. This is about you, not her. You need to look after yourself primarily and not expose yourself to more upset and stress.

The nature of the condition I have found is that when someone finds out you have it, they want to know why. So she needs to respect that yes, you may have some problems. But you tell her when you are good and ready. Not if she pressures you into it.

I hope this helps

Alex

Thanks Alex, that helped me too as I've been asking myself the same question. Last couple of months I've been getting stronger and stronger feelings for a colleague of mine. Saturday we went out for a long walk and at one moment she asked me why I've been single this long. I told her I wasn't much of a Don Juan and she responded I should put in some more effort. Which left me wondering if she was telling me I should put more effort in seducing her or if she was just saying?

I know she enjoys my company (she asked me to go for walks, invited me over to her place), but she told me several times she thinks I should take better care of myself and she can tell I lack self-confidence, which I believe she looks for in a man, so I don't believe she's interested in me romantically. I contemplated telling her about PTSD, which would explain those issues, but I wonder if that would change anything. Maybe it would help her understand, but I would still be the same guy to her. And I don't want to burden her with my problems.

But most importantly, I wouldn't feel comfortable telling her. I imagined telling her and I know I can't. At least not for the moment. Indeed, she'd probably want to know why I have PTSD and it would be impossible for me to tell her. Like you said, I should look after myself primarily and with being diagnosed with PTSD just recently and starting therapy next week, I feel like I have other issues to tackle right now. Too bad the opportunity might have passed by the time I may feel better :(

 

[skinnyman]

My apologies to the original poster, Noah, cause i feel like I've been hijacking your topic to talk about my own situation. It's just that i've been wondering myself. What I meant to say is that I tend to agree with Alex, you should tell him when you feel comfortable telling him. Best of luck!

 

[Chosen]

hey, skinnyman, no worries. Talk about whatever you want to regarding this on here!

 

[Chosen]

Thanks for replies. I appreciate it. The progression has halted somewhat now...so I'm uncertain where it's going, if anywhere.

And skinnyman, I'd say go for it...just try...what's the worse that could happen?