Struggling With My Relationship

[anonymous]

For me emotions are extremely terrifying. I was raised to think that emotions are weak and not to be shown. Then the service taught me how to mask them or simply drown them with alcohol. They scare the ever living crap out of me! And therapy has pushed me to deal with them more often than I like to do so. And from tapping into that pool of suck I have learned that I actually like women and other things that I want. I'm no longer being who others wnt me to be for their comfort. And it has been great.

Then yesterday my girlfriend and I had a talk. She is not ready for a serious relationship and feelings scare her just as bad. I have forced myself to open up with her and caught feelings for her which she has sensed and it is scarying her. So she wants to tune things back. She said things like that she probably won't be my last girlfriend and that she doesn't know how much longer we'll be together but is still cool with us being "girlfriends". This really hurts and I'm not sure how to deal with it. This is new to me with getting the feelings and opening myself up and getting hurt again. part of me wants to run and hide away. Another part wants to shut the emotions off again and try to become a robot, and another part wants to be paitent and slow down to let her get comfortable. I'm just afraid of relasping in my therapy but am more afraid of getting hurt again. Needed to get this out of my head instead of just letting it stew until we see each other agaain especially since this weekend is Valentine's Day. I really want a solid relationship with her and think that we do well together. Even if we don't work out I want her to be able to have a relationship with someone one day. It' s hard seeing her not letting anyone in. I've been there several times and it is really lonely.

She has PAWS and from that has developed anxiety problems as well. It has been great because she understands me and I her. Her PAWS is from taking Benzos in high school and has been 6 years clean. I'm also on the pills that she used to abuse. She hasn't stolen any of my pills and isn't worried about me abusing them. She went from 30mg a day to cold turkey.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks y'all!

 

[Powder]

To me the fact you are both uncomfortable and triggered by emotions but are together tells the story of two people trying to help each other work through this.

Her saying she might have to bail sounds to me like "bail on the lesson/work of recovering the ability to handle her feelings" not to "bail on you."

From my experience it's not usually the person we are afraid of. We are afraid of what's been repressed so long opening Pandora's box.

I hope you can see that what she fears is not you. I hope you can see that abandonment is not the worst thing that could happen to you. Staying closed off from yourself is continuing to 'abandon' your own self-emotional side.

Maybe a book "the Tao of Fully Feeling" might help. The author is Pete Walker. http://www.pete-walker.com/buyBook.htm

I'm reading his new book but I plan to read the Tao next. I'd recommend just reading the free pages on his site first to sample his therapy approach first in case it's just not a fit for you.

There is a beauty in your post. It's just under the surface of the words, like an ocean of emotion, just there. It's the beauty of a deep ocean. I wouldn't worry about losing anyone and focus on becoming a deep sea diver.

Hope this helps, Muse

 

[anonymous]

Thank you! I appreciate it! Ended up spending the weekend alone which really killed me. Idk what will happen with us. I ended up drinking whiskey and taking 1mg of ativan to try and drown out the painful emotions because I couldn't handle it. Then ended up cutting anyways. If she knew we'd be done for sure. Still down today and our conversation has been weird. Luckily my cat has curdled up with me all day to keep me calm. I'll look into to that book.