O
Onosa
A little backstory:
I have PTSD, my trigger is anger. I run away when someone is angry at me, basically I get the fight or flight response... except I don't fight back with them, I fight myself since I don't like beating other people up. I have severe depression, I ran away from home several times, attempted suicide several times, went on hunger strikes, on no-sleep strikes, you name it. Anything to dull the pain and distract me from it.
I'm also hard of hearing, I have severe hearing loss so I'm really insecure about my accent and what people perceive it to be. I grew up in a hearing-centric world, most hard of hearing or deaf people would go to deaf schools and all that.... not me. I was supposed to but my parents would have none of it. They put me through the public school system, I ended up being a valedictorian (some what), took speech therapy, and won awards.... wasn't good enough for my parents.
I tried so hard to please them that I actually had a mental burn out. Except this mental burn out, came and stayed. It never went away, 9 years later and it's hard as heck to concentrate... it's hard to be focused on anything....and every-time I do I seem to get overwhelmed and quit studying or quit doing that particular project. Before 9 years ago, I never had this problem before... I was like a computer, all laser focused and fast -- now I'm so sluggish. My depression didn't affect my mental processes this much before.
Okay so.
Real world time. After I graduated college, I tried hard to work in the real world. I couldn't hold on to jobs because of mental burn out. It would literally make me dread work so much that I'd take any excuse to get out of it whether it's to call in sick or quit. This past October, I have found a job that didn't want to make me quit ( actually it did in the first week, but I sucked it up and got used to it ). This job was amazing, my co-workers and bosses were amazing, I felt like I belonged. No one got disrespected and my bosses never treated us like his objects, they treated us like his friends, his equals.
This was the job I had full plans to stay employed for several month, maybe even years. Three weeks into my new job, my bosses laid everyone off without much notice. They closed up the business, and ran off with EVERYONE'S money. This was a very small company, only 15 people were employed under them. They stole $640 from me, roughly about $10,000 from everyone. The bosses were smart, they never mentioned their personal numbers only professional, they never mentioned their last names, only their first. No one, asides from a select few, knew their whole identity. They were also smart in laying us off, they never used that term and instead said the come back in a week when everyone's paychecks are up-to-date.
This happened before when they first started the company (I wasn't employed then), but it resolved itself after three weeks and they went back on track like nothing for several months so many of the employees didn't think that it'd be different this time. We all took our bosses' word for it. Come to find out that three weeks later, the business closed indefinitely and the bosses' skipped town. I couldn't get a hold of the other employees, most went on to find different jobs though. I don't even know if there's a lawsuit against them.
So I got my money stolen, and had to beg for a loan so that I wouldn't be homeless that month. To this day, the banks still won't cash my checks and I'm sure they won't bother because it's been a long time since.
So I got hired at another job roughly three months later. This job rescinded the offer on Day 1. I was terminated about 3 hours into this job because of my accent. The guy wouldn't tell me exactly what issue he has with my accent. He wrongly assumed that I won't be able to do the job because customers would have a hard time understanding me, never mind the fact that I did this for years without issue. I wasn't even working, I was in training just taking notes and said all of two sentences to him. But he still fired me. Later I found out that it was illegal, so I filed a complain with the EEOC.
A third company offered me a job that week also, but rescinded it before I came in to work. It was my dream job because it had something to do with my degree and I was happy to get my foot in the door. Ugh.
Finally, a fourth company hired me two months later. I liked this job a lot and could imagine staying long-term. The HR lady swore that my boss was nice and understanding, they didn't have a formal probationary period. Their probationary period was to train for a week, and then have two weeks to bring in customers. My training lasted a day, I was bringing in customers by day 2. It was because I was familiar with the software already and I did this for years before so I was good at it.
Taking the advice the HR lady gave me on my first day of work, I called in sick on Day 3. I had a monthly cycle that went haywire that day, it was like a miscarriage, I had to pop medications because I couldn't get out of bed. It was so painful that I literally passed out from it. I told my boss the gist of it, and he terminated me on the spot. I wasn't being TMI but I told him that I couldn't come in (unless he wants damage to his property) and that I just needed one day of rest to get back to normal. Nope, he still fired me.
Thinking back, it was a blessing in disguise because that cycle didn't end until almost 2 weeks later, and it got worse by the next day so there wasn't any way for me to go to work and NOT have it affect my work. BTW, this monthly cycle going crazy thing only happens twice a year, I chalked it up to bad timing that it happened right when I started my new job.
Regardless, that termination made me severely depressed. I cried for days, I mulled it over in my mind for weeks, I couldn't let go. People told me to suck it up and get a job, my husband told me to take the entire month off to get over it. April came and went. May started and I still refused to get a job. I've been screwed over since last fall employment-wise. The termination on my 4th job really broke my heart, the theft on my 1st job was a betrayal....the 3rd job dangling the carrot and yanking it away was cruel, and the 2nd job made me VERY INSECURE about my accent and how people might perceive me.
I don't think I'll be able to come back from it if I get a 5th job and get screwed over again. If the bad job experiences were spaced out even more, I'd cope, but this happened within 6 months on addition of being stressed by money and bills. May came and went, my husband suggested that I should be a stay at home wife and learn how to program (like he did) and learn some other skills, that way I can start my own business or freelance like I used to two years ago. He knows, he knows that if I go through another BS moment job-wise, that I'd kill myself because the humiliation, the sorrow, the feeling of worthlessness, etc. would be too much for me.
It's too soon to think about getting another job, even if the last incident was two months ago. Too soon. Problem is, no one else is that considerate. They all tell me to suck it up buttercup and get back into the job market. They all assume that I'm strong enough to handle it, and that the last 4 times were just "suck-ish but big deal". I've told my closest friends and grandmother that I am currently attempting to start my own business. I've finished 10% of my product already, I've learned some programming already and that the ETA for the product to be done would take a year or so (it's a HUGE product, too big for one person and hubby doesn't have time to help much. Still it's my "baby").
My grandmother is happy that despite not bringing in any income, I am doing something that will potentially bring income -and- learn a marketable skill -and- build up my portfolio. My husband is adamant about me continuing to do this, despite money being tight, he doesn't mind if it's going to take awhile. The way he sees it, by the time I'm done, I'll be okay. But my friends..... they know about my issues, they have medical issues as well, we never judge each other. Lately though, they've been judging me. They've been telling me to suck it up, stop whining/complaining, and deal with it
I feel no support from them, and their advice isn't really advice. They've even implied my sexuality for example, is just a medical problem and not me being asexual for example. They don't do this to other people in their group though. It makes me wonder though....
SHOULD I suck it up and attempt to get another job even if it might land in failure? (I've had several jobs over the years, but the bad stuff was spread out... this was the first time in my life that it was condensed and it was one bad experience after another)
OR
Should I keep doing what I'm doing and working on myself from home? My goal in life is to be able to be in a line of work where I can work anywhere in the world since my husband would travel a lot for business and I want to follow him eventually (hate the idea of staying at home while hubby is gone months at a time in far off places).
What do you think?
I personally don't feel comfortable with the idea of working again so soon. I'm scared that something will happen that would trigger my PTSD (a boss yelling at me) or make me go "over the edge" (firing me or reprimanding me for something unfair or because it's "just business") again.
I have PTSD, my trigger is anger. I run away when someone is angry at me, basically I get the fight or flight response... except I don't fight back with them, I fight myself since I don't like beating other people up. I have severe depression, I ran away from home several times, attempted suicide several times, went on hunger strikes, on no-sleep strikes, you name it. Anything to dull the pain and distract me from it.
I'm also hard of hearing, I have severe hearing loss so I'm really insecure about my accent and what people perceive it to be. I grew up in a hearing-centric world, most hard of hearing or deaf people would go to deaf schools and all that.... not me. I was supposed to but my parents would have none of it. They put me through the public school system, I ended up being a valedictorian (some what), took speech therapy, and won awards.... wasn't good enough for my parents.
I tried so hard to please them that I actually had a mental burn out. Except this mental burn out, came and stayed. It never went away, 9 years later and it's hard as heck to concentrate... it's hard to be focused on anything....and every-time I do I seem to get overwhelmed and quit studying or quit doing that particular project. Before 9 years ago, I never had this problem before... I was like a computer, all laser focused and fast -- now I'm so sluggish. My depression didn't affect my mental processes this much before.
Okay so.
Real world time. After I graduated college, I tried hard to work in the real world. I couldn't hold on to jobs because of mental burn out. It would literally make me dread work so much that I'd take any excuse to get out of it whether it's to call in sick or quit. This past October, I have found a job that didn't want to make me quit ( actually it did in the first week, but I sucked it up and got used to it ). This job was amazing, my co-workers and bosses were amazing, I felt like I belonged. No one got disrespected and my bosses never treated us like his objects, they treated us like his friends, his equals.
This was the job I had full plans to stay employed for several month, maybe even years. Three weeks into my new job, my bosses laid everyone off without much notice. They closed up the business, and ran off with EVERYONE'S money. This was a very small company, only 15 people were employed under them. They stole $640 from me, roughly about $10,000 from everyone. The bosses were smart, they never mentioned their personal numbers only professional, they never mentioned their last names, only their first. No one, asides from a select few, knew their whole identity. They were also smart in laying us off, they never used that term and instead said the come back in a week when everyone's paychecks are up-to-date.
This happened before when they first started the company (I wasn't employed then), but it resolved itself after three weeks and they went back on track like nothing for several months so many of the employees didn't think that it'd be different this time. We all took our bosses' word for it. Come to find out that three weeks later, the business closed indefinitely and the bosses' skipped town. I couldn't get a hold of the other employees, most went on to find different jobs though. I don't even know if there's a lawsuit against them.
So I got my money stolen, and had to beg for a loan so that I wouldn't be homeless that month. To this day, the banks still won't cash my checks and I'm sure they won't bother because it's been a long time since.
So I got hired at another job roughly three months later. This job rescinded the offer on Day 1. I was terminated about 3 hours into this job because of my accent. The guy wouldn't tell me exactly what issue he has with my accent. He wrongly assumed that I won't be able to do the job because customers would have a hard time understanding me, never mind the fact that I did this for years without issue. I wasn't even working, I was in training just taking notes and said all of two sentences to him. But he still fired me. Later I found out that it was illegal, so I filed a complain with the EEOC.
A third company offered me a job that week also, but rescinded it before I came in to work. It was my dream job because it had something to do with my degree and I was happy to get my foot in the door. Ugh.
Finally, a fourth company hired me two months later. I liked this job a lot and could imagine staying long-term. The HR lady swore that my boss was nice and understanding, they didn't have a formal probationary period. Their probationary period was to train for a week, and then have two weeks to bring in customers. My training lasted a day, I was bringing in customers by day 2. It was because I was familiar with the software already and I did this for years before so I was good at it.
Taking the advice the HR lady gave me on my first day of work, I called in sick on Day 3. I had a monthly cycle that went haywire that day, it was like a miscarriage, I had to pop medications because I couldn't get out of bed. It was so painful that I literally passed out from it. I told my boss the gist of it, and he terminated me on the spot. I wasn't being TMI but I told him that I couldn't come in (unless he wants damage to his property) and that I just needed one day of rest to get back to normal. Nope, he still fired me.
Thinking back, it was a blessing in disguise because that cycle didn't end until almost 2 weeks later, and it got worse by the next day so there wasn't any way for me to go to work and NOT have it affect my work. BTW, this monthly cycle going crazy thing only happens twice a year, I chalked it up to bad timing that it happened right when I started my new job.
Regardless, that termination made me severely depressed. I cried for days, I mulled it over in my mind for weeks, I couldn't let go. People told me to suck it up and get a job, my husband told me to take the entire month off to get over it. April came and went. May started and I still refused to get a job. I've been screwed over since last fall employment-wise. The termination on my 4th job really broke my heart, the theft on my 1st job was a betrayal....the 3rd job dangling the carrot and yanking it away was cruel, and the 2nd job made me VERY INSECURE about my accent and how people might perceive me.
I don't think I'll be able to come back from it if I get a 5th job and get screwed over again. If the bad job experiences were spaced out even more, I'd cope, but this happened within 6 months on addition of being stressed by money and bills. May came and went, my husband suggested that I should be a stay at home wife and learn how to program (like he did) and learn some other skills, that way I can start my own business or freelance like I used to two years ago. He knows, he knows that if I go through another BS moment job-wise, that I'd kill myself because the humiliation, the sorrow, the feeling of worthlessness, etc. would be too much for me.
It's too soon to think about getting another job, even if the last incident was two months ago. Too soon. Problem is, no one else is that considerate. They all tell me to suck it up buttercup and get back into the job market. They all assume that I'm strong enough to handle it, and that the last 4 times were just "suck-ish but big deal". I've told my closest friends and grandmother that I am currently attempting to start my own business. I've finished 10% of my product already, I've learned some programming already and that the ETA for the product to be done would take a year or so (it's a HUGE product, too big for one person and hubby doesn't have time to help much. Still it's my "baby").
My grandmother is happy that despite not bringing in any income, I am doing something that will potentially bring income -and- learn a marketable skill -and- build up my portfolio. My husband is adamant about me continuing to do this, despite money being tight, he doesn't mind if it's going to take awhile. The way he sees it, by the time I'm done, I'll be okay. But my friends..... they know about my issues, they have medical issues as well, we never judge each other. Lately though, they've been judging me. They've been telling me to suck it up, stop whining/complaining, and deal with it
I feel no support from them, and their advice isn't really advice. They've even implied my sexuality for example, is just a medical problem and not me being asexual for example. They don't do this to other people in their group though. It makes me wonder though....
SHOULD I suck it up and attempt to get another job even if it might land in failure? (I've had several jobs over the years, but the bad stuff was spread out... this was the first time in my life that it was condensed and it was one bad experience after another)
OR
Should I keep doing what I'm doing and working on myself from home? My goal in life is to be able to be in a line of work where I can work anywhere in the world since my husband would travel a lot for business and I want to follow him eventually (hate the idea of staying at home while hubby is gone months at a time in far off places).
What do you think?
I personally don't feel comfortable with the idea of working again so soon. I'm scared that something will happen that would trigger my PTSD (a boss yelling at me) or make me go "over the edge" (firing me or reprimanding me for something unfair or because it's "just business") again.
