Relationship Sufferer Trying To Help Supporter - Advice From Supporters Wanted

[kittiekittie]

I am a sufferer (although I don't know that I like that wording) and would say I am mostly high functioning. But I do have problems when I'm in a relationship. I am trying to encourage my boyfriend to seek out supports for himself, and pointing out literature or books he can go to for help (I don't know if he takes it upon himself at all which is why I haven't sent him here yet but he does read articles I send). I do know I am hard to be with sometimes, and I do my best to explain what I am doing and why. But I have also been in therapy for a long time. I told my bf that I feel like people just bail on me all the time without ever trying to understand what is going on with me. I get written off and judged even though I work very hard at my disorder, and it makes it hard for me to even GET INTO relationship at all because sometimes people just won't give me the time of day. And I understand wanting to run, because sometimes I have to run too (having been involved in relationships with people who have differing mental illness). Typically now I tell them right off the bat and tell them to bail as soon as possible if they don't think they can handle it. My boyfriend is sticking around and just ignores me any time I'm irrational and tell him he can bail if he wants. I really don't want him to leave, I am just testing whether or not he will, and I have told him I do this and sometimes I have a hard time stopping it. He has consented to coming to therapy WITH ME but I really hope he will consider going on his own too because I know it will be helpful for him and that I'm not always good at being well, a good partner. But the other thing that is concerning for me and maybe you could help me here - is he constantly blames himself. This is a behavior that has existed before me though and I am wondering if maybe I am not his first run in. We have been together for 7 months, but his ex did a real number on him (eg. cheating, borrowing money and not paying it back, taking advantage). I am a sufferer who prides herself on being self reliant and because I know these are issues for him I try to be sensitive to that. If I do borrow money I promptly pay it back to show that I am not taking advantage, we typically go 50/50 on everything though.

He says his ex's would always call him an ahole or a dick and he just resigns himself to it and calls himself these names and I have never once said any of them to him. I know I can be verbally abusive, which is why I work extra extra hard to not go there. And with him I have not (not even once!). And it actually upsets me more so that he does it on his own and kind of freaks me out. I am worried that I am going to trigger him and then he'll trigger me and it will end up in this miscommunication disaster. And sometimes it has. So since this isn't my first rodeo and I am DETERMINED to get this relationship right I am trying to be as proactive as possible. I mentioned therapy for us early early on in the relationship also. Right I'm flaring up quite badly because I have a health issue I am getting examined (tomorrow, maintenance), and I have a lot of assignments in school, a demanding albeit part time job, and people actually come to me as a resource for advice a lot, so I get burnt out trying to help them also. I isolate because I am trying to keep people out of it, and am trying to 'recharge my batteries' so to speak. I know it's not pleasant to deal with, and I guess I never realized how hurtful this behavior could be to supporters.

The good thing is my friends kind of know that they need to have boundaries with me, and when they can't entertain my crap they shut me out and I accept and understand it. I don't take it personally, I know I am exhausting sometimes. They also understand sometimes I need time, and it's okay. I am really fortunate to have a solid group of friends who understand this. My bf says he is scared of going to therapy (for reasons not pertaining to me) but I want to equip him with tools he needs, as well as get help for these past issues that might 'poison the well' in terms of our relationship. I feel like garbage when he immediately just puts blame on himself when I am not even blaming him in the first place. I correct him and tell him it isn't his fault and that it's not even remotely even half of his own doing.

Sorry I wrote a novel there, but I am trying so hard to not suck at this, and he has been the most supportive bf I have had to date, so I feel like we have a good chance here.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It sounds like your boyfriend likely had those feelings of guilt, shame, self-loathing long before he chose partners who would treat him that way. Any chance he was from a dysfunctional family or was abused as a child? It would fit with alot of the behaviors you've described, including his reluctance to go to therapy.

 

[kittiekittie]

I've been trying to figure this out and as far as he tells me nothing. His homelife sounds great, they have family supper every week. His immediate family is small, only one other sibling. They have really open conversations, and he has absolutely nothing negative to say about them. The only thing that I see as maybe an issue is that he says his dad is a very quiet person, and that he is very introverted like his dad. He has told me that he thinks there is something wrong with him, because he is socially awkward at times, and he has been bullied as a child, but he never got beaten up or anything physical. I know appearances can be deceiving in terms of happy looking home lives, but I've been unable to get anything concrete out of him apart from his ex that sounds like a drunken sociopath (over-exaggeration on my part but she sounds bpd-ish from what little I know). I also think that he might be used to being a supporter to some degree because he isn't gun shy. He's outright asked me before if I was trying to scare him away, and would clearly tell me that it wasn't working. (this of course shocked the hell out of me, and it snaps me out of the ptsd when he recognizes things I am doing - but I've also done all I can to point these things out to him and told him he HAS TO call me out on it because I am not always aware)