Relationship Suggestions On A Book

[Srain]

My partner is my Supporter. He is trying very hard to help me and I trying to help him. He was thinking a PTSD he use to help to understand how to respond me, his wife, when I go through Dissociative or other times, since is main option has been to be quiet and say nothing ALL the time which feels awful to me.

My trying to explain doesn't seem to help. He is a 'reference' type of person, so books are great. I know there are some really good books here on the site as well as others available, our money is tight, so although he is going to see my tdoc today and does have understanding. He is going through so much right I just want to help with this.

I hope this makes sense. :(

help.
thank you,
Rain

 

[ISupportHer]

Sorry, had an issue linking some old posts so I did copy and paste: Hope these help. I posted these over a year ago.

A lot has been said on the forum about Carers' responses, good and bad. There are just so many good resources out there to help.

A book, "Ghost in the Bedroom, A guide for partners of incest survivors", for one. In spite of the title, it is not all about sex. It starts out with with chapters entitled, "It's driving Me Crazy" which explores feelings many of us have, and "My Core Issues" which is about relationships, dependency and co dependency. How we as carers need to evaluate ourselves in order to be of any benifit to our sufferers. A similar book is "Allies In Healing"

These are NOT an easy read. Frank discussions including the fact that suffers die, they commit suicide sometimes. That relationships fail because of this. They are not just a feel good, everything will be OK kind of books. That is my disclaimer.

So, about the self exploration. Another book I have found helpful is
Depression Fallout: The Impact Of Depression On Couples and What you can Do to Preserve The Bond"

One author's opinion on a predictable response by Carers. That there ARE steps but that they are not necessarily 1, 2, 3 and that you can ebb and flow among them. Cannot quote specically but:

First, confusion as we become aware of a problem. Many times before a specific diagnosis.

Second, self-doubt. Is it ME? Is the other person having an affair? Those feeling many of us go through as we try to grasp for a reason.

Third, demoralization. That there is nothing that can be done, including a sense of resentment toward your partner.

Fourth, resentment grows into anger. Everything is upside down and blame is placed on the person but NOT the disease.

Fifth, unhappiness to the point that you feel you need to escape. The point of break up or divorce, partly because it becomes so painful that you just cannot take it anymore.

This book also is not all about the sufferer BUT also about us as carers. OUR feelings and OUR part in it.

OK, so that is my contribution for today. A few resources I have found and hope will help someone else.

Back to my disclaimer. At least from my personal experience. Don't read these at night. These are not topics you can explore, put down, turn off the light and go to sleep. Hell, sometimes I can only take a few pages at a time, LOL

ISH

 

[ISupportHer]

Part of another old post of mine.

My wife's Therapist had given her a copy of Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Is a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse by Laura Davis. It is a companion book to Courage To Heal, a larger book that is for survivors (sufferers as we say here).

I hope you have other resources to help you, like a Therapist or Psychologist, but perhaps the books will help you and your girlfriend. I have a Barnes & Noble nearby and they were both on the shelf there, a testament to the scope of the issue in our society.

I will just add that the "Allies" book is wonderfully written to be inclusive of everyone. The various topics are written from ALL relationships view points. One area will be from the viewpoint of straight couple with female abuse survivor, the next with the husband as the abuse survivor, then from a gay or lesbian couples perspective. Guess I am saying that I feel you would find it as very inclusive for all. I found that to be a plus, frankly.

I wish the best for you.

 

[ISupportHer]

Thought I had another post with more about the "allies" book by Laura Davis but can't find it. It does have a warning in the front that it is intended for supporters. That a sufferer may find some of it hard to read.

I know that dissociation is probably one of the things I had the most trouble finding information on when I was searching and found this forum. At least dissociation specific to PTSD in sexual trauma. I think there IS some discussion of it in the "allies" book. Frankly, one thing that helped me the most were a few members who felt safe enough to share their experiences with me.

Look me up if I can help in any way,

Oh, just saw you said money is tight. I bet these are in the library.

ISH

 

[Srain]

Thank you much ISH!

I will check these out. I appreciate the referrals :)

Rain

 

[princessx]

The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy by Diane England ! Definite must read for anyone in a relationship with someone suffering. I've already researched alot of things online but this book reminded me the basic things that we often forget.

 

[amethist]

I have had this book about 8 months now princessx.

It is a bit ruffled and has pencil marks and sticky notes all through it, especially on the pages that I need to keep fresh and recap on.

Definitely one of the main book's for supporters.

 

[princessx]

I recently purchased it as I've entered a relationship back with my ex and it definitely keeps reminding me the little things that escape my mind. Esp now as I'm having expectations and realizing sometimes my expectations can not be met.

 

[amethist]

I find now excepting "What is" for the day, is so much easier than expecting more than my husband is capable of.

I have found this way, there is less pressure on him to do more than he is able, but he does manage so much more, then he thinks he can. Mainly because I just go along with most of it, but then push in a way that is healthy for both of us, when I have to.

Less pressure on him, means less stress for me, as he does not crash as often.

 

[princessx]

That's really amazing advice, thanks for that! I just have to reprogram my brain to think like this again. Want to operate on mine? :alien:

 

[amethist]

It has taken me 4 years to get to this point princessx. Plenty of hair pulling and head banging along the way.

The continuous learning curve and the roller coaster ride is never ending.

 

[princessx]

But you're doing great and you sound extremely strong! You're a definite motivation.