Suicidal And Guilty

[xena21]

I can't stop the suicidal thinking. It just comes in waves. I want to help others but I am so miserable and want to die so badly that I can only focus on myself so often.

I hurt myself all the time just to keep myself alive. It's such a horrible life, and I am so afraid of people that I don't go near anyone ever. Except on the computer...

I am so alone all the time, yet I want to be with people. Kind of a catch-22 I guess. I'm terrified of being with people but I'm hopelessly lonely. Pathetic I guess.

Anyway the title is what it states. I am so suicidal all the time, but I was raised in a strictly religious household and I have been terrified of completing this act since I was 12. Yes, I thought of it then. I thought of it and the guilt was overwhelming, so I tried to plan future things for my life.

Anyway those life plans failed and here I am again. I just have so much hatred for myself and for this world. I can't explain the hatred very well. Its overwhelming how much hate I have. I guess it consumes me. Which is why things are probably so bad.

Anyway thanks for listening.

 

[maddog]

I understand Xena. I rarely say that, but this time I think I do, everything you said. I know that the empty platitudes don't helpme much at times like this, so I won't deflect them to you. All I'll say is... you are not alone, you are heard, and you are valued here. Those things count. Hang onto them. I will think of you today.

Maddog

 

[MitaB]

Most people wouldn't understand but we do. We are here for you as you journey through this. One step and one day at a time is all you can do. Nothing you have said is pathetic, its just the awful truth of this ugly thing we call ptsd. I'm glad that you have found a place to come and let loose some of your fears and concerns. You CAN make it and you WILL make it

 

[xena21]

Thanks. I am so confused sometimes by whats going on in my head that I dont know what to do anymore. It gets scary sometimes.

 

[Sick of Fear]

It's not hopeless or pathetic. I also struggle with the thoughts and urges, and have to remind myself many times every day that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I hope that you find the help you need. We are all here for you. Many hugs if you'll accept them.

 

[Leda]

You should not feel guilty about your feelings - they are what they are for the time beeing. You should really be proud of the fact that you are not acting on them - that takes real strength!

I hope you will get the help you need - ther is a better lifte for all of us out there :)

 

[xena21]

Thanks for your kind words!

I think I feel guilty about the way I live in sadness every day, and can't seem to shake it. I was always taught to live with my head up and "be happy" no matter what life throws at you. So then thinking of dying all the time just exaggerates the guilt further.

 

[sol1107]

It's the anxiety that keeps up from being with other people. There's always the fear that we may be "too damaged" to know them. It took me years to finally work up the courage to go out on my own. What I learned was that people were just as "damaged", but in their own way. One guy takes his job way too seriously. There's a girl who buries herself in her work to avoid social interaction. I even became friends with another veteran suffering from PTSD, and he has helped me through putting myself back out there.

Even saying hello to a stranger on the street clears my head of any ideations, and the more I do it, the longer my head is clear. There's a video I just watched this morning that explained everything I learned on my own. It's called "The Power of Vulnerability".

(still can't post links!)

 

[InHell11]

I can kind of relate to that, I am quite lonely but afraid of being around people. I mean trying to get out there and meet people and develop friendships/acquaintances is horrifying to me. I know a lot of it goes back to the treatment I received in my childhood at school. It's gotten me to the point I am always afraid people will judge me negatively and reject me so I don't want to bother...since it only ever seems to bring more pain. Trouble is I end up pushing people away before they even have an opportunity to know me...because I guess I am afraid they won't like what they find.

I mean even when I finally do make a good friend, after a while I just end up totally screwing up....and making an ass of myself or I just totally lose contact. Last time this happened the friend didn't reject me, last I heard from him he misses me but I am too pathetic to pick up the damn phone and call him up to see how its going. Why because I am afraid if I continue the friendship I'll only bring him more pain by making an ass out of myself again. I guess I don't understand why they didn't just decide to hell with me. I mean I disrespected his house, stupidly drank a bunch on klonopin(he once tried to off himself with pills and alcohol) so I imagine i was scary to him I was popping my klonopin and drinking in excess without a care in the world and it probably scared the hell out of him. Yet I know he still wants to be friends and is probably sad I haven't talked to him for so long and I think about it every day.

I guess it comes down to not wanting to traumatize those tho get close to me, when I end up in that dark place where I stop giving a damn.

 

[healthbuilder]

Hi xena21, you can stop your suicidal thing, by following the self help or self esteem. Self help acts as a tool for self improvement, hope it protects you from dangerous situations....