Relationship Supporters, What Helps?

[Deleted member 33287]

I am a male supporter who has been pushed away by my friend. The day she told me she was raped changed everything for the worse. Wish I could pick your brain, because I want and need to learn. Losing someone who I thought could be my best friend to me has made my life miserable. Let me do my best to give you my 2 cents.

First be open and honest. Allow him to learn and be educated. No one will understand what you or he will go through and I mean it. As much as you think you need a support system he will need one just as much as you if not more. Questions will go through his mind every day about your PTSD’s. He needs to be prepared that his whole world will be taken away from him for no logical reason. My suppourt system sucks which is why quite often I have no idea why I want to live. Best way to describe my pain is the best thing came into my life and now it was taken away from me.

Prep for triggers. I have cried so many times realizing that my apperance reminds her of when she was raped. Imagine having to be a guy looking in the mirror thinking to yourself why am I being affliated with a rapist.

If you are scared to be open and honest only great things will happen. He will either choose he can’t be the partner you deserve or he will be there every step of the way.

Second and this sounds goofy but write letters to each other how you make each other’s worlds better. I am crying as I type this, but when she needed space I felt it was me against the world. As she pushed away I still feel its me against the world and the person who I love and care about is out there but how can I find her?

When you guys are separated and you are in isolation you can read how he adores you and you know he is still there and visa versa.

Whoever this man is one lucky guy because what I would give for the ability to get my best friend back who wants to work on her problems. It is a long process and one that will suck. If you can be honest , educate, communicate and prepare for isolations he will appreciate it.

P.S Clear your inbox. I would love to learn from you experiences to learn more and see if I can one day get my friend back.

 

[Justmehere]

@Statsattack - so glad you are here reaching out for support for the difficulty you are facing with your friend.

First be open and honest. Allow him to learn and be educated. No one will understand what you or he will go through and I mean it. As much as you think you need a support system he will need one just as much as you if not more.

I really agree with this! For the two people that I support that have PTSD (one a friend, one a family member) I encourage them to encourage their other supporter to get support...

Basically, the human psyche was not built in a way to get through life all alone. We all need other people and relationships. PTSD makes that all the more true.

Second and this sounds goofy but write letters to each other how you make each other’s worlds better.

This is a really sweet idea. I can see how during a time of struggling to not shut him out in some ways, I could reach out in other ways to show care for him. Like if I am shut down to touch, then maybe I can show care for him through words of affirmation or etc. And vice versa.

 

[MandyLou]

@Justmehere - thank you so much for creating this thread and wanting to be a better partner.

Where do I begin... I wish my guy was like you. I don't think he even realizes how much this distance is killing me.

What can you do is perhaps respond to some of the communicating, reassure that everything is ok and that you just need some space and some time to yourself. verbalize! Don't leave your partner hanging, worrying and losing their mind and wondering where they stand with you. It's painful no matter how much understanding the supporter extends to you. It hurts to know that you wouldn't even bother to communicate once in a while even when you're isolating. Distance creates uncertainty and sometimes that distance can get so big that there is no coming back from it.

Don't be overly focused on what you'll communicate as long as you are communicating something. Many supporters are very understanding and knowing the reality of the issue, we are even more willing to be even more accepting and understand and want you to feel cared for when you feel like crawling back into your dark space.

 

[Tinyflame]

verbalize

Difficult!

when you feel like crawling back into your dark space.

Yes very true.

:hug:

 

[prayerwarrior]

my friend just came out of an isolation phase, one where he was contemplating suicide. This is the first time that I have encountered this with him, and I am not sure what my best course of action is. I have joined this site, hoping for hints and some answers as a supporter. He told me that I need to contact him, via phone and text as he has to write himself notes to contact his parents and kids. So I have taken to texting him a couple times a week, just to ask how he is doing, and that I am thinking of him. I also have sent a card with words of encouragement and pick up little gifts for him, to let him know that I care. I do not plan to walk away from this. I am a woman, and a christian. We were meeting a couple times a month on Sundays for lunch during last spring and summer. Winter his work schedule changed, so we didn't meet as often. Now he is back to his spring schedule, and we met twice in march before his isolation phase. He made it through, he has been getting help. I will admit that this made me afraid for him. what is my best course of action?

 

[MandyLou]

@prayerwarrior -
I'm a supporter as well and would say that try going with the flow. Observe what he's most comfortable with at this time. If he's receptive to your communication, then you can know to reach out to him. How long did the isolation phase last? Was there any communication or no communication at all? Did he reach out to you so you knew the isolation phase was over? If he reached out to you then you can say that he wants to communicate and is perhaps more receptive. Don't add any pressure - just be responsive. As you begin interacting more and get a better sense as to where he is at and what he feels comfortable with, you'll feel more open. This has got to be a very difficult time for your relationship. I hope you find peace and strength within yourself to move forward the best way that you can. There are no easy answers in a situation like this and it is indeed very discouraging. Be patient and take care of yourself.

 

[prayerwarrior]

@prayerwarrior -
I'm a supporter as well and would say that try going with the flow...

he was isolated for about three weeks. He would reply to my texts letting me know that he was having a good day or a bad day. I wasn't texting every day, but about once a week. He considers me one of his few close friends (his words) and I consider him a close friend. He and my husband were friends, and he was one of the few friends to visit my husband during the last few weeks of my husband's life. (my husband passed away in 2014 after a lengthy illness.) My friend and I got together last weekend, and we talked about everything under the sun except about his PTSD. In the past, he has opened up to me about his nightmares, his inability to sleep, how he deals or not with his symptoms. He is in counseling, but he doesn't always feel as if it is working for him. So I have joined this site, hoping to learn.

 

[MandyLou]

@prayerwarrior - I'm glad you've decided to do that! Finding support and encouragement is one of the best ways you can gain strength and learn more about PTSD. It's certainly not easy being a supporter, and thank you for being there for someone who is more grateful for your encouraging presence than it can ever be communicated.

 

[prayerwarrior]

@prayerwarrior - I'm glad you've decided to do that! Finding support and encouragem...

without trying to toot my own horn, I am very active in my church, and I am apprenticing with our grief share leader. I had a lot of experience with loved ones dying, back in 2014. My Grandmother, my Mother, my Husband, and my Father. The last three in the space of four months. I was primary caregiver for both my mother and my husband, and took a lot of grief from my husband's family. They felt that I was taking better care of my mother than my husband, and I was feeling guilt that I wasn't doing enough for either one. I have been told by a lot of people that I have a lot of empathy, and I think it is because I listen. I know I cannot fix my friend, I can only listen and try to support him the best I can.

 

[prayerwarrior]

My friend doesn't usually contact me first, is this normal with sufferers? I do know that he talks about me to his friends, they know all about me, and that he has the highest respect for my husband. I found this out the first time that I met some of his friends back in march. It's as if I am in a compartment of my own with him, and it never occurred to him to invite me to the places he hangs out. He had an open invitation for St. Patrick's Day, and I showed up. He was glad that I did, he mentioned it several times, but it was after this that he started isolating himself from his regular friends and places. So I wasn't sure if this was a trigger for him, or if it was something else entirely that triggered the isolation. I took it personally at first, but then noticed it wasn't just me, it was his other friends as well. That made it easier not to take it personally, and why I decided I needed to learn a lot more about PTSD.

 

[MandyLou]

@prayerwarrior - I cannot say if sufferers generally initiate communication or not during isolation period, but in my experiences, I had to reach out. He would respond to me at time but wouldn't initiate communication. So, I think it varies. A lot of the isolation has nothing to do with their loved ones. It is hard not to take isolating behavior personally because you're directly impacted by it. As you learn more about PTSD and get to know him better, you'll try to be more aware what's really going on and that you're not the one causing him to isolate. You can't know what's going on with him unless he decides to open up about it. Most of the time, it's wise to let them share what they feel comfortable talking about. Try to be there for them, let them trust you and make the relationship stronger in hopes that they will come back to you whenever feeling more ready.