Talking About Myself Has Me Start Falling Apart - Trapped.

[The Albatross]

What is the pay off for being neglectful of yourself about this?

 

[Abstract]

Thanks Albatross. Short term and most importantly avoiding having potentially triggering examination. Which potentially means my symptoms getting worse and there attempts to get back into T delayed more. Secondly there have been times where it seems like a passive suicidal thing. Like tempting fate.

 

[falling]

I get where you're coming from. The avoidance for fear of being triggered is a very powerful aspect of PTSD and as such difficult to over come. And as you know avoidance may seem like a way of protection but we all know it's not. Not that I should talk....but I hope your able to find the courage to face those potential triggering situations.

I also understand the 'passive suicidal thing'. I'll tell you what I try to tell myself when I'm finding myself hoping fate would somehow hurt me so I could feel the pain but not the guilt of actually being it's cause. If you allow bad things to simply happen by way of non action then it's acting cowardly. And cowards are weak. I may hate myself for many things, weakness being one but I remind myself I am truly WEAK if I give up. Non-action is a choice made and thus, is an action towards weakness.

I hope that made sense. And I also hope Abstract, that you take what I'm trying to say to heart. Of all the wonderful ppl I've 'meet;' on here you are the one I'm most grateful for. So, please no that I'm not trying to insult you, I'm trying to help you find a different point of view that may allow you to change in a positive way.

PLEASE TRY HARDER. IF YOU WILL, I WILL.

 

[Abstract]

Falling,
I will come back but just wanted to say you have a way of challenging me without my slipping into spirals of self hatred and the resulting less action in the way that usually happens. I'm not sure how.

Your words are accepted in the way they were meant. Thank you. And I am very happy to know you too.... :)

 

[Britt.f7]

I think I should have just answered as I went along reading all of these. My mind is drawing a bit of a blank so bare with me.

I like how open you have been on the forum, though I know, especially lately, it has been difficult. I have gained much from your posts and responses. I know that sometimes it can make one sick to their stomach when they feel exposed(or is that just me?), but it really does help. Both sides. The person that is sharing and the person that is being shared with.

As far as the mammogram, I do think putting it off is a bit of neglect. I ought to know. I went in a few years ago, had one where I had to go back, had the all clear, but told to get one the following year. Haven't been back since. My logic is I have enough illnesses or medical conditions, I will not get one more. I know. Denial in it's finest form. But, I haven't felt any lumps. Can't say I've checked either. I hope everything gets cleared up quickly and efficiently and you can go.

I avoid the mail often. Hard to explain to the bill collectors when they tell me, after asking them to send me a bill, that they have already done that, that I'm sure they have I just never opened it. Definitely another form of neglect.

Please, if you can, keep us updated on your progress. Thank you.

 

[JustBe]

I'm guilty of neglect too. I haven't been for an annual since I went off the anxiety meds two years ago.

 

[maddog]

I was told, at age 20, that I would need gynocological checkups, as a matter of priority, on an annual basis. That was 12 years ago, and I've never been back. See, I can't even spell the word!

I think it's partly my way of facilitating denial, but mostly a pathological terror of any such procedure that makes me feel weak and dizzy at the mere thought. I truly think I would rather die of any gruesome condition than subject myself to such an examination, ever. I know in myself that there are reasons why I should do this, but I can't. I feel like a hypocrite when I encourage others, and try to find the strength, but so far I haven't.

 

[Abstract]

Britt,
Thank you for the encouragement and kind words. I could use them at the moment. I am sorry sharing sometimes leaves you sick to the stomach and exposed - and no, it certainly isn't only you.

I have a real post opening problem too. Thank goodness for direct debits that all I can say. I couldn't organise myself out of a paperbag without.

Sorry you neglect yourself too. I hope you manage to go back for a checkup sometime.

 

[Abstract]

MovinOn, if you mean the type of checkup I think you do then I am with you. It must be particularly hard for you considering your trauma too. That one is way more problematic for me than the present breast issue.

 

[Abstract]

Oh dear, MD, I am sorry to hear that. And I can't spell the word either!

. I truly think I would rather die of any gruesome condition than subject myself to such an examination, ever

Oh, I am with you on that thought process I am afraid. Thanks for sharing as it helped me feel less alone. I tend to use myself as my own special punching bag with words such as "pathetic" etc. Its so easy to see others clearly isnt it?

The thing that works the most is the thought that much more of the nasty stuff would be involved if anything did go wrong. Both with treatment or even just symptoms if something nasty developed.

I suspect most of us would not say anything at all if we only advised others on what we are able to do. I don't think it's hypocritical although I feel that way too. I mostly feel I should shut up already and stop blathering!

 

[Abstract]

Well this story has had a few "interesting" and unexpected little twists.

Falling, your words helped me generate some movement and I made the phone call I needed. It turns out the form I received had nothing to do with this breast stuff. It was a follow up on my lack of going for my smear test and asthma check ups over the last few years - them checking they had the correct address.

I made a call to the Dr's surgery to say I had not received an appointment for the breast issue. The receptionist said that the hospital had returned the form because I did not respond to the appointment sent me (she lectured me a bit which I deserved) and that the Dr would have to re submit the request to that hospital. She logged a request for him to do so.

I thought I would phone the hospital and apologise so got the number from her. I could not find the letter supposedly sent me but I have zero trust in my management of post. The receptionist also sounded as if she had just one tiny brain cell rattling around in her head so it could do no harm to speak to them.

Thank goodness I did. The hospital said they do not do these types of examinations and that the request should never have been sent to them. That they had never sent me an appointment but had rather returned the form to the surgery with instructions on where to refer me. It seems the hopeless receptionist was not able to read the form and that noone would have done a thing if I had not followed up on it. In fact, noone would have done a thing even if I had just contacted the surgery.

I contacted the surgery again with this new information and got a different receptionist who found the letter and confirmed what the hospital had said. I could tell there was panic going on there behind the scenes.

I got a phone call back a few minutes later and a nice little cherry on top of the whole thing is that the Dr they appointed to sort out the mess is my neighbour who I have some professional dealings with(unrelated to her work) and whom I had hoped to keep away from my file.

So the crux of the matter is that my referral has essentially not yet happened and we are starting from scratch. The wonderful workings of the NHS.

 

[Britt.f7]

Crazy. Reminds me of when I was younger and had a bad pap smear. I had moved out of state after it was done but I had given them the new address. It took two months before the letter even got to me telling me to get a recheck. Someone did not have it together on their end.