Talking to His Family

[mocum99]

Hi All,

I haven't posted or read in a while... it takes alot out of me sometimes... but I just talked to my boyfriend's (who was killed in an accident that I witnessed) dad and just needed to know, does anyone have experience with this?

The nature of the accident in which he was killed was such that it was not my fault (we were riding bicycles together almost 2 yrs ago and he was run over by a bus, killed almost instantly, and passed away within minutes while in my arms) but I have a lot of guilt feelings that it could have or should have been me.

His family is wonderful to me (it has almost been two years) and has never expressed any anger or anything other than support and love to me. But I still have these feelings. And they surface particularly when I talk to the family.

I guess a more specific way to put it is that I want to know how to express myself to them, to act around them. I don't feel like it has to be contrived or overthought, etc, maybe I just want to talk about my feelings here, or know about your experiences.... I don't even know.

It's just that MY witnessing this horrible event and losing my boyfriend, best friend, lover is different than THEIR losing a son, daughter, brother, and not witnessing or really KNOWING (like I do) what happened. And I have no idea how to deal with it.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

WARNING - VIOLENT AND MAY TRIGGER

I have something similar happen only I didn't witness it and it was my father. I will try to explain how I feel and see if it helps you. The circumstances are different but there are a few similarities I can relate to.

My step-brother who I loved and grew up with and his friend tortured my father to death. It was no accident and it was pre-meditated. My dad's bloody body laid in the heat for two days before I found his body. I walked into a blood bath and it stunk so bad. It was the worse thing that I ever witnessed in my life. Every inch of his body was blue/purple and it was bloated 3 times the normal size. I can't get that picture out of my head at times. The detectives made me stay there all day and I was on the local news and they focused on me when I "lost my mind" as they wheeled my dad's body out of his home in a body bad on a gurney.

I had to sit through two court sentencings and sit through a long trial. The guy who pled not guilty only got 20 years and served 7. I was supposed to be notified when they were released but wasn't. One day I was driving home from work and the guy who only served 7 years had just got released from prison and was driving along side of me. He found me that fast and that was freaky!

It was spring time so I had my window down in my car and I noticed it was him and he started talking to me through the window at a stop light. I told him he looked familiar and he told me who he was. I said, "Yes you're the one who killed my dad" He said, "No it wasn't me I was just there". He kept saying that over and over and apologized to me. I could tell he felt bad.

At first I thought he was after me, but once I calmed down I realized he found me to apologize. I understand his need to apologize so he can move on with his life. But the effect it had on me was devastating. I had to relive that whole scene in my head along with the trial and sentencings over and over and over and over.

Maybe he thought he was doing me a favor by saying he was sorry? but in reality it would have been best not tell me he was sorry because it won't bring my dad back, (besides I heard his confession tape and he was in on it) but what was worse it made me relive that shit in real time (flashbacks after flashbacks) I'm trying to drive home from work and I start having flashbacks and panic attacks as he drives off feeling free because he said he was sorry.

I think that some things are better left unsaid. Silence is golden! I don't think there is any need to compare each other's pain. You will each process the death at different levels, and in different ways.

I'm sure your b/f's dad feels equally sorry toward you for having to witness this travesty right along side of you feeling guilty about the situation as if it should have been you instead of your b/f. I'm sure his dad feels so bad for you he would like to take the pain your feeling away, and that is why they are so good to you. I'm guessing there is this understanding between you and his family that doesn't have to be brought up.

It was an accident and it is in no way your fault and you don't owe anyone an explanation, and I'm pretty sure they feel you don't owe them one since you didn't do anything wrong. If the dad asks you about it, then you can use your own discretion how you want to approach the situation. But, I think it would be best to let it go if you can.

I would talk about it in here or with other people. If I seen that guy again and he wanted to talk to me I might be able to talk to him now and tell him that I forgive him. But in 9 years my step brother is getting out and it wouldn't surprise me one bit if he will be paying me a visit too.

I read that it takes about two years for someone to grieve over the death of a loved one. Even longer if the grieving was blocked by a defense mechanisms of denial. At some point down the road it might be OK to bring it up. But I think you and his family need more healing/grieving time. Also, I think you should let go of someone else's pain. Having to deal with your own pain is hard enough but when you take on his family's pain and feel guilt over something you had no control over can cause a lot of unwanted symptoms.

It might be hard to do, but my suggestion is to try and avoid his family until you have a healthy understanding that this was not your fault, his family doesn't blame you, and it shouldn't have been you instead of him.

I hope this helped shed some light on the situation. If for some reason you sense that they want to talk to you then bring it up, but I would allow some more healing time if I were you.

Take Care and God Bless
Tammy