The Codependence, Stockhom Syndrome And Caretaking Discussion Thread!

[Abstract]

Over empathising with others whilst loosing touch with or not considering our own feelings and needs. That could be CD (codependency), Stockholm or caretaking.

 

[Abstract]

A1.
Watch the thread for a while. It should help to clarify what is healthy and what is not as it develops.

When I first started considering what you are I almost went crazy trying to understand. As Eleanore said a lot of it is about the underlying motivation which is usually fear or need.

Yes, Eleanore eggshell stepping is a classic sign. Especially when it starts before or without any sign of abuse or at the first glimpse of conflict or distance.

 

[aj1]

When I first started considering what you are I almost went crazy trying to understand.

Are you referring to my situation, or your own? This almost seems like a typo.

I did enjoy her in my life, and when she was gone, I very much miss her. I don't know if that was a feeling of need, but it was without a doubt the first time in my life I really thought I had found that someone. It is such a mash up of losing that feeling and concern for her and how it ended.

As for the eggshells, I know I did this a bit. I wanted to talk to her about some things that had bothered me, it was too late. Like she sensed it coming and ended it.

 

[Badger]

Thinking this weekend as my sufferer and I start on week 2 of his isolating binge due to shame over recently triggered memories of sexual abuse. (we text just a few things a day.) It seems the best way to find out if a relationship is worthwhile is to ask yourself if it ended right now would your life be better for it? I guess that would answer the question of codependacy. This is the less personal part of a letter I wrote to him that I may send in a week or so: or he may never know I wrote it:

Winter-

I don't believe in sin. I believe in dark, and light. And Grace. And Magic.
The bonds of magic are held together with Grace.
Grace- is not about the past and yet it holds the paradox of forgiveness
Grace is healing.

You already have Grace-
It is certainly present in the way you have treated me. If you told me you never wanted to see me again, I would feel incredibly sad. But at the same time I would be so glad that I had the opportunity to meet you. I love your intensity. I love that you do your best to tell the truth all the time.
I do not think our meeting was an accident and you have been a huge catalyst for change in my world.
I love the way we are accessible to each other, even if it is sometimes painful.
I am grateful for your presence, however it is expressed in my life.

 

[Abstract]

I may have misunderstood A1. You said, "I don't know if I was really starting to be codependent or not. This whole thing is such a mind f*** for me" and I thought you meant figuring out if your relationship was codependent or not.

:peeking:Please everyone try to keep this thread from becoming about relationships and rather keep it about Copendency, Caretaking and Stockholm.

Brief descriptions of things that fit and which they fit under.

Thank you! :)

 

[aj1]

Abstract, that is what I was asking. My apologies, I did not intend to turn this into a thread about me or others personal relationships. I too am trying to figure out what went wrong, and probably should just cut it all out, stop thinking about it, and stop coming back here. Realistically only she holds the key to my questions. I am trying to leave her alone as she had asked for space. Sorry about making you crazy trying to understand what has made me crazy.;)

I think it is an understatement that I have way over thought this whole deal.

 

[Abstract]

Not being able to feel OK if those around us are not - absorbing others feelings. That could also probably be for all three.

 

[aj1]

Not being able to feel OK if those around us are not - absorbing others feelings. That could also probably be for all three.

That just seems unhuman to me. When someone is in a funk for a few weeks, how can you not feel for that person when they are someone you care about.

I don't see that as codependent / caretaking, but maybe it is.

I am going to bow out of this one, sorry if I derailed it. Feel free to edit out any of my posts that have skewed things.

 

[kacee129]

You can feel for the person but not try to "fix" it. Give them the courtesy of taking care of themselves, something that codependant people have a hard time doing. Sometimes it underminds the other persons self worth.

 

[Abstract]

A1, Caring when someone is suffering is normal and good and something anyone who has empathy would feel.

However, being unable to tolerate someone else having a range of uncomfortable feelings such as sadness, anger etc without us being overwhelmed and consumed by them is a sign of being overly porous. Caring about them and feeling the same or worse feelings than them on an ongoing basis are two different things.

Anger is a good gauge. Is it impossible to keep yourself OK if someone is angry even when it isn't aimed at you. That is a rhetorical question by the way. As Kacee said another sign is needing to end YOUR discomfort by fixing someone else when they are suffering.

 

[aj1]

Abstract, would you be willing to send me a direct conversation so I can ask more questions without muddying the thread?

 

[Badger]

Guilty.About the personal stuff in my thread, and of the codependency. How do you tread that fine line of being close and being there for someone and codependency- like what if someone needs help, do you have to wait for them to ask? Can you never offer?

The last thing I want to do is undermine his sense of self worth