The Love Of My Life...

[suekitten1153]

I met my husband a couple years ago at a club. We hit it off literally the minute we met. We couldn't get enough of each other. Our friends would jokingly gag over our open affection for each other. After a while they seriously started to get pissed and leave us. We didn't care, I guess, because we had each other.

Life smacked us down a bunch, but together we kept rising. I knew within a couple weeks of meeting him that he had Combat PTSD from the Army and his deployment to Afghanistan. I hate that sand pit. More soldiers have theoretically died there then they know. I was fine with it and my stepdad actually has it so I was actually experienced. Then we became pregnant.

We had a blast through the pregnancy and even decided to get married. We named our son after my Dad and his best friend. There has been SO much love. So much affection and true devotion.

Yes, I married him knowing he had PTSD. To some of you out there that makes me an idiot, and the rest of you might think I'm some amazing wife. I'm neither, I was just so in love that it didn't matter. Because, it shouldn't.

Two years into our marriage and I just...one day I love him as much as I used to...the next I hate him and want to get my own place. I cannot tell you how hard it has been. Everyone has their own story, of course. My story is a dark one, though. I've been told that I am acting like my mother (who abused me emotionally and mentally for years), I've had a million suicide threats thrown at me by my husband, I've caught him sitting in the bathroom with his .45 crying just because I told him I needed a minute alone, I've had to witness my 2 year old get screamed at for doing something relatively benign, I've been in the car with my 1 year old and had my husband threaten to run us off the road and end it all, etc. There's so much more.

I'm not allowed to have an emotion or a reaction, without getting a suicide threat that puts my back against the wall.

I mean I support him in EVERYTHING. I work 40+ hours a week, I am the sole provider, I cook, I clean, I'm not bad looking, I work out hard, I'm an adventurer....He stays home. In the near four years we've been together he's had a job for 11 months. I have worked 33 months and that was because I had a miscarriage and gave birth.

I'm sure there's going to be some of you that tell me to cool it, or put yourself in his shoes...but truthfully something's wrong. It's not just PTSD.

I don't know but I feel awful. I don't know what to do. Today, someone on Facebook was giving him crap over a project of his and I stood up for him. He had complained about the comment this person made to me personally so I knew it bugged him. But he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about and played it off and agreed with this friend.

I know it's a small thing, but this is just an example of 50+ little shitty things he does to me every day. He never touches me, he has no respect for me at ALL, we never have sex anymore. If something has to get done, I have to do it or it's pffft never getting done. I do about 80% of the housework, 70% of the cooking, and I have the only job. We're always broke because he will not work. I got him a job delivering papers and after 4 days he quit. He quits every job and then sits on his ass all day smoking weed...which I also pay for.

I'm running the family, I'm supporting the family, I'm managing the family, I'm calendaring for the family, I'm financially carrying the family, all the while my back is breaking and I'm starting to feel ENRAGED. I have to do all this and never eek out a sound of protest or my back is against the wall and I'm going to see some sort of violent display.

Is this what PTSD is like? Or, is my husband totally taking advantage of me? Please help me or give me some insight. I'm close to calling it quits which breaks my heart because I'm still so in love with him.

 

[Deleted member 541]

PTSD is not an excuse for bad behavior, and your husband is behaving badly. You need to,learn boundaries, and learn how to stick to them. Me, I'd throw his ass through the door and file for divorce. I have PTSD, but he's acting like a shit IMO.....

I hope you can come to a good decision for you and your child, because neither of you deserve this kind of treatment.

 

[Friday]

Short Answer

Is this what PTSD is like? Or, is my husband totally taking advantage of me? Please help me or give me some insight. I'm close to calling it quits which breaks my heart because I'm still so in love with him

Yep. That is exactly what PTSD can be like.

Which, good news, means it can be treated... And, bad news, treatment usually takes years AND things generally get a whole lot worse before they get better.

It sounds like when you first started dating/got married, his PTSD was relatively well managed. Right now, it's not. Unmanaged PTSD is hell on earth. For everyone. The person with it, and everyone around them.

___________________________________
Longer Answer

Spoiler: Longer Answer

You might notice I'm not saying go, and I'm not saying stay.

Unchecked PTSD can get brutal. Just because something may be a symptom, or an expression, or a coping mechanism of PTSD does not excuse it, nor mean its a reason to stay. Conversely, we all have different limits in our lives of what we can live with, well. Some people are completely unphased by something that is an immediate deal breaker to someone else, or isn't a deal breaker but makes them effing miserable to a third person. Same behavior, 3 different reactions to it. These things can also change over time, or in different situations. Things I'm perfectly fine with 1:1 are dealbreakers for me, the moment I add my kid into the mix.

This is your life. What you want your life to look like, and what you love-like-tolerate-dislike-hate will be unique to you.

So my suggestion is to research PTSD. Look at your life. And decide what you want your life to be. Both ideally (what you want out of life), and the bare minimum that you can still be happy with* (what you need out of life).

***

The working-thing is a good example, there. Even if every other symptom is managed & your husband is a pure joy to be around -most of the time- he may never be able to work, again. Or may only be able to work in pieces, here & there. There's a reason why PTSD qualifies for Disability -as a civilian- and up to 100% in Benefits (disability, medical retirement, etc.) from the military. Many people are never able to work again, or never able to work 'normally'.

The process of getting disability or benefits can be a looooooong & difficult one (or can be fast and easy). Some spouses? Are perfectly fine with their husband/wife never working again as long as they've gone through the process and are getting a check each month. Others? It doesn't matter whether they're independently wealthy and getting a check each month, it's not about the money, the principle of the thing. If their spouse isn't working, they cannot respect them, and will never be happy.

^^^
I chose a fairly innocuous example of one of the common ways PTSD affects your/his life to illustrate the need/want thing. My suggestion is that you go down the list (both of symptoms and your own life) piece by piece & decide what you need & want. Because even if he gets a fire lit under his ass and gets into treatment pronto? This may not be something you can handle. And that's fair. Or it may absolutely 100% be something you can handle -if and only if- he gets his ass in gear and starts getting his disorder managed, again. Or it may fall somewhere in between. But it starts with research, and being really brutally honest with yourself. What kind of life do you want for yourself, and what kind of life Do you want for you kids, and where do you draw lines in the sand and in stone? <<< All of this falls under creating those boundaries people are talking about.

Understanding PTSD
Link Removed

PTSD Stress Cup
The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Explained

Video
Link Removed

 

[Gs172003]

You need to get this book. I've pushed it and pushed it. You can get it on Kindle. It gives you ideas on how to set boundaries and it also lets you know when it's time to leave.

 

[Casey_03]

I've had to witness my 2 year old get screamed at for doing something relatively benign, I've been in the car with my 1 year old and had my husband threaten to run us off the road and end it all, etc. There's so much more.

Why on earth are you still with him after all of this?! Yes, he's exhibiting reprehensible behavior and taking you for granted, but it's your responsibility to walk away when he's literally threatening your children. That doesn't mean you have to walk away for good, but you're only enabling him by doing everything yourself and letting him get away with this. This may sound harsh, but I think you need to stop romanticizing and focusing on how strong the love was in the beginning and wake up to the fact that that time is gone and he is harming your children. It doesn't matter if these things were only threats, he's already harming them by shouting and putting them in this kind of toxic atmosphere.