The Silence Clock

[angel2write]

Well, I think I lost another friend. Same old same old.

Things are great. We like each other, have fun together, etc. I warn them about my issues, try to explain what it's like when I have an attack. They say fine, they understand, everybody has problems, etc. And I think "yay! Someone who can love me the way I am!"

Then blam. I actually have an attack in front of them. And the silence begins.

At first it might just be normal silence. And then, a few hours later, it might be processing silence. I reach out a feeler, expressing yet again that it wasn't their fault, that I'm sorry, that I work to control my issues but sometimes they break free and cavort around a bit. I apologize for anything I think I did that might have hurt them.

And the silence continues.

The days pass and I wonder if, given time, they might be willing to talk about what happened. About how they feel. Give me a chance to try and fix things.

But no.

And then, the final test: we meet somewhere. I wave. They smile a polite smile and turn away. And I know I have lost again.

I feel shame. I feel pain. I desperately wish I could be different. That I could be properly sane. That there were some magic way to make it stop happening. But the ugly truth is, that if you're going to be intimate friends with me, sooner or later, you're going to see me lose my shit. I never hurt anyone physically, I never even attack anyone verbally. But apparently normal friendships can't handle the crisis of seeing me cowering on the floor, crying, apologizing, or possibly chewing my wrists, hitting my own face, or talking in a child's voice.

Sigh.

So, let's start the silence clock. Attack was last night. Friend failed to check in the morning after a party, which they ALWAYS do. Friend failed to respond to my text message, which they nearly always do. Experience says that if there's no contact whatsoever on the first day, there's about a fifty percent chance it's irretrievably over. No contact in three days and it's dead, Jim.

I wish all the people who tell me that I have no need to worry, I should just "be myself" and people will love me could try ACTUALLY BEING ME for a couple of months and see how well that works out for them.

 

[shimmerz]

I honestly feel that this type of behaviour from people speaks more about them than it does about you. I often times wonder how people can be so callous when in the company of someone who has been damaged so.

I wish we were geographically closer together and more open to meeting as I do believe that if we were able to socialize I do feel that we would have a 'knowing' and be much more compassionate about our reactions to things.

Hugs @angel2write.

 

[Eleanor]

I want to echo what shimmerz says. And to say that people ... often promise things they have no idea about. AND

We are attracted to people who have "glitches" that mirror our own, in the sense that if we have difficulties with attachment, they do to. Or emotional systems "resonate" with each other. If we have difficulties with self confidence, they do too. And so, even if you guys get along like a house afire, when push comes to shove, they may well not be ABLE to cope. And they won't admit them. You are conscious, very conscious and thus more conscious than most. And they are likely not so conscious and ... unwilling or unable to deal with how your switching might freak them out.... Which would be possible to process and deal with if they did, but they can't/won't makes no difference which. As the folks in AA say, "Denial is not just a river in egypt."

That said, I think it is a problem. On the one hand you want to remain open to developing friendship, but that risks betrayal and hurt. On the other hand, you don't want to set yourself up to get shot down unbearably over and over again. What is the third option here? Is there a way to "pre-screen" potential friends?

I wish you were closer too. I would like to have you as a 3-D friend.

 

[shimmerz]

You are conscious, very conscious and thus more conscious than most. And they are likely not so conscious and ... unwilling or unable to deal with how your switching might freak them out....

This has absolutely been my experience. Excellent post @Eleanor. All of it.

I think the pre-screening has more to do with what you mentioned about like attracting like. On some level the people in our lives 'get us'. But I think when we react to something and they freak it is because they know that they have the potential (if the magic button is pushed one day) to lose their carefully engineered self-construct as well. They don't know that consciously, but it is triggering something in them.

I drove cross country (into the US) about 5 years ago to meet friends from a different trauma board. They were so lovely...such beautiful people. Yes we have issues but we are good, kind, well meaning people by and large. They were so open and lovely. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Eh, SCREW THEM.

What I've learned....

Most people *say* they're OK with you having PTSD, its just something you deal with, no biggie.

UNTIL.....they see one of your symptoms. An episode, a panic attack, a flashback, the negative thinking. And *BAM*, its just too much for them.

I want to smack people for this. Really? I hate it. I hate that initial feeling of acceptance that is later followed by rejection. I'd be able to take it a million times better if the rejection was upfront.

But then I think to myself, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!! What, did you think that PTSD was a walk in the park? A little itty bitty anxiety disorder? Did you think you wouldn't see any symptoms?

Its like telling someone you're ok with them having cancer but then telling them you can't handle the fact that they become extremely fatigued. Or like telling someone its ok that they have diabetes and then getting pissed when they won't eat the cake you baked for them.

People *say* they are accepting because its the thing to do. Its not until they see your symptoms that you can truly judge them.

I say eff them. I rather be alone or have just a few friends instead of those who accept me out of an obligation to some stupid social expectation.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

f*ck that. If the friend abandons you after he sees you down, he is not a friend.

I can relate a lot to you. I have a single true friend, everywhere else I tried to join I was thrown away and abandoned as soon as my true personality was seen. I joined an anime club in my town 2 months ago, couple weeks ago I had a breakdown and since then they just kicked me off it. Removed me from the group on facebook. I hate how people chuck away others just because of this kind of stuff. How people just go around caring about their own assess.

During bullying I was abandoned and isolated for 4 years. Everyone just went away as soon as bullying started happening. I am often scared of being abandoned, by everyone. My lullaby of pain rings in my head, sleep not coming. Laughter of faces behind the masks filling my head. I hate them, for they just saved their own assess and threw me away. People like that are no friends. A true friend you know in your darkest moments.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but when you describe what your attacks are like, I've been with people doing things like that and was able to handle it, so that shows it isn't about you. It's their ability to cope (imagine if they had to actually experience it from the inside!). The one time I started avoiding a friend who had a lot of emotional crises it wasn't about her crises, it was because of how she was treating me (demanding, blaming, criticizing). You say you're not doing any of that so I don't think it's really about you. It's awful that there are so few people who can handle it when things get tough, you're absolutely right. But it doesn't have to mean you are to blame.

 

[angel2write]

I do have one 3-D friend who's just as messed up as me and who would totally accept it if I freaked out in front of her. The ironic thing is I almost never freak out in front of her, because being around her is so relaxing, I don't get wound that tight in the first place!

I did hear back from the person I wrote about above. And, surprisingly, we're talking. That alone is a big step forward. Even if we can't work things out in the long run, in the short run, it's just nice to see this happen. To find someone willing to try.

And it turns out it's more my fault than I realized. The friend is a guy. We were at a costume party. He was dressed up as a dog. And, at one point, he apparently playfully barked & licked my hand. I have no memory of this, but I can believe it happened. My response was apparently to smack him on the head (lightly), say, "stop that" in a forceful voice, and walk away from him. He tried to follow me and fix it and I walked away from him three more times.

Now, I have talked to him about my issues with touch. But we've been able to hug & stuff in the past, so I guess he thought that didn't apply to him any more. To me it's obvious that there's a difference between hugging someone when they see it coming and licking their hand out of the blue. To make it worse, he licked my left hand, which is the one most likely to trigger memories of the whole sexual assault thing.

So I guess I triggered, switched, and tried to isolate. He is an anxious and somewhat insecure person himself (as you said, Eleanor, like draws to like). My behavior was very upsetting to him. So it wasn't just me having the panic attack episode later. It was that plus making him feel scorned and like I hated him and didn't want to talk to him any more.

So I guess I can see it. I hope we can fix it. It's... nice. Nice to be talking something like this out instead of just watching a friend leave & wondering why it happened.

 

[shimmerz]

I almost never freak out in front of her, because being around her is so relaxing, I don't get wound that tight in the first place!

This is what I refer to as the 'fear of the fright'. I find that the anxiety of having to 'perform' (aka not drop or have an issue around someone) actually brings on an attack. A vicious circle.

 

[Eleanor]

I'm glad you can talk it out too. And I hope you can fix it. It sounds like the odds are pretty good! And... it is amazing how much ambient stress is produced just by being around someone. Can be produced I mean.