Relationship The Silence Hurts

[strongandsmart25]

hi BB-
I feel your pain - truly and completely....

I've been searching and digging at my own self too trying to figure out how I can be better without MY guy being better and I found this book that I definitely recommend. It's called "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy". Ya, I know. It's not really for complete idiots - it's really for really smart and motivated people who want to learn and have a better life but it's just a catchy title I guess.

But I can not tell you how much I have learned about myself and my own patterns from reading that book. I still have a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG way to go towards healthy behavior but I do now know, at least, that me chasing a guy that is running is pretty much the same behavior, just the flip side of the coin - but both behaviors are indicative of 2 people who are scared as poo of intimacy.

But in the meantime, I know how much you are hurting when the dark and SILENT mode takes over the one you love. It sucks. Especially when they PROMISED you and themselves, too, "never again". Oh the doubt !!!!!!!

But I have to keep reminding him (and myself) that there is no such thing as NEVER or ALWAYS because none of us are in control of everything so those are impossible words to promise. Those words are just a set up for disappointment.

You can lean on me in the meantime if you want to. I'm always up for a chat ! :)

 

[strongandsmart25]

Oops, I said ALWAYS. ha ha. Ok, I'm not ALWAYS up for it. But 99.9% of the time I am.;)

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Thank you!! And, I will look for that book.

 

[CrazyHorse]

BB, I just wanted to offer you my support!

No one has the ability to jugde you or your relationship or wether he is "just not that into you- or not". Especially not from a fragment of the story posted on a forum. I am sorry for your trouble. It must be awful to be shut out like that. I am a sufferer myself, but I have never done the isolation, silent treatment thing I so often hear about on this forum, so I don't have a lot of gifted things to say about that :) Just wanted to stick my head in and let you know that I heard you and it is okay to just vent, and that I do not think you were whiney at all :-) Best to you!

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate that!

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

So, the job where he has no cell service has a completion deadline of 5/27, so if I have not heard from him by the 29th I know I have to move on. By the way, when he works there he is put up in a cabin that does not have a phone line.

I will still be his friend if he needs, but can't do more. That means to me that the complete lack of communication is more of a conscious choice. That's my opinion and maybe it is giving him too much credit, but ... It is my choice.

 

[strongandsmart25]

Make goals and shoot for them and then when it gets to be the 29th, reassess and decide what you want to do and if "The Plan" is still a go, do it. If you change your mind and want to wait longer, that's fine too. This is your life and you are allowed to make the rules that work for you :hug:

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Thank you for that. This is so hard and sometimes I feel like I should be stronger, do more. I think, he shouldn't be allowed to treat me like this, but I have seen his pain. I can feel it. I know it's real. Then I worry, is he ok. I know he cares about me. I feel that too. Its like he's two men.

I'm a fixer by nature, so waiting, taking no action kills me. He's the first man I have let myself trust in over 10 years. I don't want to give up on him, but I know I might have to.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Sometimes I think I can't believe he threw me away after almost 3 years. And then I think, he must be in so much pain. Please let him be ok.

I hate weak women. Now I feel I am one.

 

[strongandsmart25]

awwww!!! Stop beating yourself up. It takes a STRONG person to admit that they are conflicted and have doubts !! That is the paradox of all of this ! The "strong", brave warrior who inside is a ball of mush. The crying "weak" woman who loves him so much that she keeps going with her own life while still holding the door open for him at the same time.

Life is a paradox.

My kids love this song by Taylor Swift. It's called "22". I love it too because it really so captures the craziness of that age. "We're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time....It's miserable and magical, oh yeah" lol. I think sometimes we just have to throw our heads back and laugh at it all because life really is so crazy and full of paradox at all ages! :confused::)

 

[MoeX]

Hello there,

I know how you feel. I have the same emotions and doubt when my partner pulls away. I wonder all the time if I really am as strong as I say I am. I agree with setting goals though. I do that all the time and it actually helps me feel like I am doing something while he is off the grid. Hope it works out the way you want it to. :)

 

[Spring]

Hi BB,

I can relate to what your are struggling with. I, too, have been in a relationship with a sufferer for three years now and are currently going through an "episode". My boyfriend has been seriously proactive about his treatment for the last 11 months, and we still go through our hills and valleys.

Please feel free to vent or ask questions any time=)
~Spring