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Therapy is hard!

LucyLou

Learning
I can go through the week and get some bits wrote down and add to it, when needed for therapy sessions but (sometimes) when it comes to it, I can never send it
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It just seems like the hardest thing in the world! It's honestly so frustrating because I know I probably should be going into this stuff, as it comes up but I can't. It's nothing to do with therapist, this is all on me and the stupid part is that she has seen my timeline....she knows about it all anyway. The writing part is fine....it's the sending it over and having it all out there, in detail and then trying to say this stuff out loud. Will it always be this way? Is it always going to feel this difficult? It's difficult for so many different reasons and there are just so many different thoughts and feelings around sharing all this....from shame, embarrassment, guilt. What she'll think of me, when she does know more details? Then there is the aftermath, I have tried all this before and I know it can get bad and how much of a downer it can put me on and it's not just about me anymore, I still have to do my sessions and then look after my little humans the best I can. I'm starting to think I'm just wasting her time. What's set things off this week, is something my friend sent over to me....she is trying to be more open with her therapist, so she sent me a long message and went into detail about what happened with her and her ex. It was such a difficult read, when you consider that my ex has done some of the same things.....then I started comparing and thinking "oh, well what happened to her was worse than what happened to me" etc The things that all this stuff has done to my head, the way I see myself, the way I think others see me, my reasoning to things. It's ridiculous.
Then on Sat, well....early hours Sunday morning, I'd been out and came home around 4.30am and he wanted sex....I told him no, I wanted to sleep and he comes straight back with "you've cheated then?" I obviously said no, I was just jtired. He apologised later and said he wasn't used to me saying no and I swear, it was on the tip of my tongue to say "well, actually....I've said no plenty of times, you just don't always listen"
I can have a run of good days, where I don't even think about stuff.... the busier days that actually feel ok....I think I've mentioned this before, how I can have good days but it feels strange to feel ok and that makes me want to watch something that'll upset me or something equally daft to bring myself back down
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My head is a strange place at times!
Can I not just skip all this part and go to feeling better and like this isn't always going to hang over me all the time?! Do I really have to do the talking?!
 
Can I not just skip all this part and go to feeling better and like this isn't always going to hang over me all the time?! Do I really have to do the talking?!
I sometimes tell my T that the therapy process is shit and someone needs to invent an easier, less painful way.

But, it can get easier. If it's hard to say things, talking around why it's so hard and creating safety can really help.
Sometimes I use the word rape, sometimes I use the words "the events" if I can't say rape. Sometimes I say "rapist" and sometimes I say "him" "then". So sometimes there might be an easier word to start using to get to the topic?

I'm glad your partner listened to your no this time.
 
Hi Lucy Lou
You talk about writing down your problems, issues and feelings. I don't know what you feel in your life that I am sorry for. I have gone through Therapist a number of them. One I did really like he pist me off almost every time I saw him. One day he said to tell him the worst story about my dad. Thought for a minute and started by the time I finished my chest hurt breathing hard. To my surprise he said to tell it again Thought he was mad so I did the end was worst. I was shaking mad scared. Trying to stay seated he throw a box of napkins he said I will need them. In the background two male nurses stood. Being pist he had the balls to say tell it to me again? I started said it all again but this time I was crying and relieved the pain and hate was really not there. In the next appointment he admitted that I scared him and the two male nurses did not know if I had gone off the edge they were not sure if they were able to stop me. So by telling the story to yourself in front of a mirror a number of times or outside on the side of a mountain writing it down many times I found that I begin to feel better. I believe that you will be able to do this and in time let the pain soften. I get maybe one problem a year off my mind. It's very hard work if I can I believe you can.
 
How are you keeping track of your ideas and giving them to your therapist? Maybe there is something you can change to make it a little less difficult.
 
Your T is a professional. What happens in their office - never goes outside the door.

"What will they think of me?", shame, all that is stuff we manufacture because we can't see that what happened was not our fault. It's a big part of therapy. Y

So is committing and not going at ti half assed. What you say in your T's office never leave that office. They are trained to help you. You don't have to be explicit and detailed about things - you can put things in a way that your T understands - because its not the minutia and detail that counts, its what happened to your brain in those moments.

......and once you have it out, that's it. You can use the "and stuff happened" and stay away from the hurty stuff while therapy is working the knots out.
 
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But, it can get easier. If it's hard to say things, talking around why it's so hard and creating safety can really help.
Sometimes I use the word rape, sometimes I use the words "the events" if I can't say rape. Sometimes I say "rapist" and sometimes I say "him" "then". So sometimes there might be an easier word to start using to get to the topic?
I call it "the thing". I can call it what it is in my head, but I can't say the word. I don't mean I won't. I can't. I've tried. I can get the first letter out and that's it. It just stops. T has said the word and it immediately makes everything in me tense up and my eyes begin pouring tears instantly. Every time. It's embarrassing, because my body just reacts on its own and I can't for the life of me get it to not react to that one single word. T will usually call it "The thing" but on occasion says the word. I think because he thinks if I hear it from him often enough, that I'll be able to do it as well.

And though know many of you that are way further along than I in your journey to heal will likely understand this next statement but......I can't believe i just typed that. I can't believe it just put even this much down in words for other people to see. That's the closest I've come to putting that word out there as it pertains to me. And i know it sounds silly but for me just doing this was just huge and I'm typing fast so i dont stop and hit delete like i usually do. I'm an emotional person anyway but just typing this makes me react internally and because my damn body seems to react all on it's own i'm now typing faster as im crying at my desk and hoping that no one comes around the corner and sees me. Sorry. This feels like a step for me. small step. emotional stop. still a step? Is that rediculous? Cant even believe i've typed this
 
I call it "the thing". I can call it what it is in my head, but I can't say the word. I don't mean I won't. I can't. I've tried. I can get the first letter out and that's it. It just stops. T has said the word and it immediately makes everything in me tense up and my eyes begin pouring tears instantly. Every time. It's embarrassing, because my body just reacts on its own and I can't for the life of me get it to not react to that one single word. T will usually call it "The thing" but on occasion says the word. I think because he thinks if I hear it from him often enough, that I'll be able to do it as well.

And though know many of you that are way further along than I in your journey to heal will likely understand this next statement but......I can't believe i just typed that. I can't believe it just put even this much down in words for other people to see. That's the closest I've come to putting that word out there as it pertains to me. And i know it sounds silly but for me just doing this was just huge and I'm typing fast so i dont stop and hit delete like i usually do. I'm an emotional person anyway but just typing this makes me react internally and because my damn body seems to react all on it's own i'm now typing faster as im crying at my desk and hoping that no one comes around the corner and sees me. Sorry. This feels like a step for me. small step. emotional stop. still a step? Is that rediculous? Cant even believe i've typed this
Not ridiculous at all. Totally understandable and relatable.it is a big step to break silence and express. It’s brave.
 
Can I not just skip all this part and go to feeling better and like this isn't always going to hang over me all the time?!
if you come across a magic wand? You are morally obligated to share!!! 🤣

Not joking. 🤨

Laughing, but not joking! 😁

Do I really have to do the talking?!
Nope!*

Honestly.

You could draw (my ACTUAL trauma diary is a sketchbook, and as I think in pictures, instead of words? It’s a helluva lot harder than writing/talking/using my words), or do in vivo exposure therapy, or certain forms of EMDR, or use sign language (even if you have to learn it, first), or any of a dozen other things where talking isn’t actually required, or is -at most- ancillary.

Here’s the Catch22, though… Once your trauma is actually processed? You could talk about it all day, every day, without any trouble/problem/effect whatsoever.


* I had to testify about a certain segment of my trauma history, and there was noooooo way on earth to fully process it before I had to speak (clearly, concisely, calmly) on it. For THIS kind of thing? There’s no workaround except talking-talking-talking, until the words lost their association with the trauma, and were just words.
 
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