I can go through the week and get some bits wrote down and add to it, when needed for therapy sessions but (sometimes) when it comes to it, I can never send it
It just seems like the hardest thing in the world! It's honestly so frustrating because I know I probably should be going into this stuff, as it comes up but I can't. It's nothing to do with therapist, this is all on me and the stupid part is that she has seen my timeline....she knows about it all anyway. The writing part is fine....it's the sending it over and having it all out there, in detail and then trying to say this stuff out loud. Will it always be this way? Is it always going to feel this difficult? It's difficult for so many different reasons and there are just so many different thoughts and feelings around sharing all this....from shame, embarrassment, guilt. What she'll think of me, when she does know more details? Then there is the aftermath, I have tried all this before and I know it can get bad and how much of a downer it can put me on and it's not just about me anymore, I still have to do my sessions and then look after my little humans the best I can. I'm starting to think I'm just wasting her time. What's set things off this week, is something my friend sent over to me....she is trying to be more open with her therapist, so she sent me a long message and went into detail about what happened with her and her ex. It was such a difficult read, when you consider that my ex has done some of the same things.....then I started comparing and thinking "oh, well what happened to her was worse than what happened to me" etc The things that all this stuff has done to my head, the way I see myself, the way I think others see me, my reasoning to things. It's ridiculous.
Then on Sat, well....early hours Sunday morning, I'd been out and came home around 4.30am and he wanted sex....I told him no, I wanted to sleep and he comes straight back with "you've cheated then?" I obviously said no, I was just jtired. He apologised later and said he wasn't used to me saying no and I swear, it was on the tip of my tongue to say "well, actually....I've said no plenty of times, you just don't always listen"
I can have a run of good days, where I don't even think about stuff.... the busier days that actually feel ok....I think I've mentioned this before, how I can have good days but it feels strange to feel ok and that makes me want to watch something that'll upset me or something equally daft to bring myself back down
My head is a strange place at times!
Can I not just skip all this part and go to feeling better and like this isn't always going to hang over me all the time?! Do I really have to do the talking?!
Then on Sat, well....early hours Sunday morning, I'd been out and came home around 4.30am and he wanted sex....I told him no, I wanted to sleep and he comes straight back with "you've cheated then?" I obviously said no, I was just jtired. He apologised later and said he wasn't used to me saying no and I swear, it was on the tip of my tongue to say "well, actually....I've said no plenty of times, you just don't always listen"
I can have a run of good days, where I don't even think about stuff.... the busier days that actually feel ok....I think I've mentioned this before, how I can have good days but it feels strange to feel ok and that makes me want to watch something that'll upset me or something equally daft to bring myself back down
Can I not just skip all this part and go to feeling better and like this isn't always going to hang over me all the time?! Do I really have to do the talking?!