Therapy Trigger

[DharmaGirl]

Today is a therapy day. I usually hate those days. I am upset with my therapist because when I was crying and upset, and standing up to abandon the therapy room, (which he normally allows) he told me I can calm myself down, I've done it before. He did this about a year ago and it resulted in a huge upset for me. I was upset and stopped going to therapy. He persuaded me to come in for a last session to discuss it, and I was so upset and angry that I could barely talk. It took several months before I was able to trust enough to engage in therapy again,

So last friday he did it again. I was really feeling bad, and suicidal, and he pulls that out again. I didn't even realize it was a trigger until today. I went to the hospital on Sat, since I was suicidal, and was treated so poorly I left on Sunday. I don't know why he would do it again if I reacted so badly to it the first time. I do not want to see him today. I don't want to email him or talk to him on the phone. I thought I would write a letter and hand it to him today, but I doubt I can make myself go. Then I think, I will go, I will just not engage. That doesn't help either. Ugh. I hate therapy.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Maybe you need a different therapist, one more suited to you as an individual and as a trauma patient?

 

[DharmaGirl]

I do like him a lot. We are usually well suited except for every once in a while. I would hate to throw the baby out with the bath water. We can work well together, but this triggers me and I have to get to the point where I feel comfortable to discuss it with him so we can fix it. I would have thought once was enough but oh well.

 

[Abstract]

Monster, I am so sorry. :( I think I read about that last incident and it did sound very invalidating. I think if we have invalidation wounds it can be very affecting when they are touched on.

Was this instance less extreme and is it more about it reminding you of the past one do you think or was it as bad? What do you think he was trying to do for you as deluded as it may have been? To tell you he believed in your resiliency possibly?

For me because of a previous instance that I reacted to very intensely (understatement of the year) I know I am very reactive to certain things in therapy now. I hate, hate, hate that that is the case. :(

Have you identified why this is such a sore point for you in general? I think it often links in to past stuff when it is so strong.

And then the ridiculous nursing staff did a double wammy invalidation act on you! :O_o:

Sending you much support with this. Hang in there.

Can you start by just writing the letter and then taking it from there?

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((monster1977)))))

One of the crucial jobs of a therapist is to help us be aware of our strengths, and practice using them when we are in distress.

The fact that you are still here means you do have the strengths & skills needed to self-sooth.

My therapist does this with me, too, and I hated it the first times. I realized that I was angry because it had a felt sense of being shut down from expressing my pain in childhood. It "felt like" I was being invalidated and abandoned emotionally. But our therapists get it. They are not our abusers. They aren't abandoning us, just pointing out that when we're outside of the therapy room, we can employ those skills to help us feel better in our day-to-day functioning.

What kind of messages did you get from your primary caregivers about emotional pain & dealing with it? Can you list out their words that play in your head now?

Feeling bad sucks, but it's ok to feel whatever we feel. A therapist's job, though, it to teach us how to feel it but not let it take us so low we cannot function.

Hang in there.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I forgot to say that I'm sorry you're experiencing such difficulties, which I am. I'm not in therapy yet, but to me it does sounds so daunting and wrong that the therapist would not only make a mistake but then re-make it after such disastrous effects after the time. Surely not the same tactics work for everyone and when they don't the least you could do is try another tact or not try warning you next time, I don't know :S

 

[zaniara]

I'm so sorry Monster that it got so tough again! And I do recognize the struggle in the relationship with the therapist and the fear that it will hurt more than it will help. A trauma-therapist(I hope he is a trauma-therapist??) need to do a lot of "pushing", thought it really is a balancing act: since someone with complex trauma(and attachment-issues like me) is pretty fragile in all of it. So they need to "push" but not too much. It sounds like he pushed it too much this time?

Me and my therapist has a lot of "sorting out" to do, on/off all the time. And I do get so very tired of my self sometimes, since I wish I could just "trust him". But trust isn't that easy when you've been hurt, humiliated, used, abused and lied to and cheated on so many times. And I can only be my self, and try to be honest at the best of my ability. And I don't think neither you nor me can learn to trust without going through this "roller-coaster" which trying to have a "close relationship"(as a therapist-patient-relationship need to be: though with some very strict limits to guard the safety of both the therapist and the patient) is sometimes.
I do think the ups-and-downs will be less high/low and less frequent with time though..

I try to think of the fact that the therapist is a human being too: with some issues of course and his less good sides as well as his stronger and better sides. And thus I try to give him a chance every time to sort it all out; before I "pull out" and run. (He has really made some mistakes for real sometimes: the last time a month ago: and he admitted it and said that he has some things to work on: and thanked me for my honesty.. :wideeyed:) I've done that so many times in my life, and sometimes for good reasons; but I'm so tired of running, and it's not working trying to "solve this" on my own. (But I know how it feels when I don't know if he is a good person or not: when my mind is spinning and the fear is so strong and the agony and chaos scream inside my head and body and all I want to do is run, or self-destruct: so I'm not saying it's easy to stay with it!)

Did you go? Did you managed to say what happened to him? I hope so. And I hope he listened, and that you manged to sort it all out.

 

[Abstract]

...Oh and I think the baby with the dishwater concept is very insightful.

 

[DharmaGirl]

My appt. isn't til 1pm PDT. He sent me an email responding to the email I sent about admitting myself. It was a pollyanna email. I sent him a rude one back saying he triggered me again and I am not calm yet. I told him I would come in and discuss it but I was not f*ing calm. I took my son to school and came back and apologized for the email and told him I was calm.

 

[Abstract]

Try to keep your good relationship in some part of your mind Monster. You can sort this out with him. Remember that he will be wanting what is best for you even if it was a miscalculation and not helpful in the moment. I agree with Zaniere that it helps to keep in mind that they are fallible and human and that doesn't make them our enemy - they can still be a safe port of call. Good luck.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Wow, that went better than I thought! I think its because I see him as a person now, and not SuperT. I explained that its a trigger so he asked me what I would rather he say. We decided on asking about my feelings so I would talk and not leave. After that we brainstormed ways to intervene in the cycle before I got to the point of complete breakdown. Or to notice when I start to downturn. By the time I notice it now, it seems too late to intervene. I'm going to make a chart and hang it up. He said I have been doing a good job of not running away, and that I always come back when I get upset. I am really invested in getting better, and I have been since my diagnosis. I remember in the beginning he told me if I just keep coming, I will get better. So I do.

Thanks for the support and reminders that he is helping me. It really helps to put it in perspective.

 

[TeaLeaf]

I am so glad it went well Monster:)

I can really relate to having a conflict with a therapist. I am currently angry with my therapist, I had a really hard session yesterday and explained how some of her actions made me feel unimportant and abandoned. I've been mad at her before, in fact much more mad and I feel like working it through with her has really helped me get better too. She can handle my anger which for me is really important because I meltdown when I have too many triggers and can't handle them and get angry, sometimes not so nice and it's hard to accept her caring behavior towards me when I am mad. She is a really good therapist overall.

Your therapist sounds really good too. I am really glad you posted this, I sometimes get down on myself for being mad at my therapist and this thread has helped me feel less alone and bad in being pissed off at my therapist.