sun seeker
Diamond Member
This is one of the worst things about this condition in my view: how it isolates us, and then the isolation can make the other symptoms worse in a vicious circle. I know it's me being too sensitive to things other people say and do, it isn't their fault most of the time. And they have no idea they are having this effect on me (unless I suddenly fall apart and burst into tears and can't stop - that happens once in a while too).
So tonight I was invited to have supper with a friend and her partner for Thanksgiving (which is tomorrow in Canada). Sounds like a nice, low-stress evening, right? And I keep pushing myself, at least sometimes, to do things like this so I won't become a total hermit. But people have no idea how easily seemingly innocuous comments can trigger me into feeling hopeless, worthless, scared and all the rest. It went on and on throughout what I'm sure they thought was a pleasant evening until I was longing just to go home and be alone with my cat. I don't say anything unless it is with people I know are likely to get it, and most people can't be expected to. When things are going relatively well I can handle people. When not, I can't.
I've been having severe hip pain, it's a little better now but for a few days there I was limping around and screaming at the slightest movement. I mean, this was "count the minutes until it's time for the next painkiller" time. The physio is puzzled as to what exactly is wrong, and I've had to cut back on work which I already have too little of, not to mention not being able to do my own work around the property. So this guy (my friend's partner, that is) bluntly said it's arthritis and I can't work anymore. Huh? I'm trying not to take that too seriously but it's just an example of how being with people who aren't especially emotionally sensitive is almost impossible for me to do. I came home feeling stunned.
My depression is spiraling deeper. The fearful part of PTSD comes in waves, it's like I go through that intensely when I am afraid of losing something or someone important, and then when I've lost it already the depression sets in. I've lost so much in the past year, it's mind-boggling. It's not even a teary depression, more of an exhaustion and numbness and extreme hopelessness, I've been working on releasing emotion but mostly I can't even feel enough to cry. I know I've posted about problems with my mom, sleep, and so on and none of that is yet resolved, and I'm sorry to keep on complaining. It's all these issues tangled up together and each one affects the others.
I don't really need advice, I know what I need is a good therapist and that's being so hard, the last one I've been trying to get in to see hasn't called me back in almost two weeks though I called twice. Mostly I just wanted to reach out and remind myself I'm not alone. Thanks for listening.
So tonight I was invited to have supper with a friend and her partner for Thanksgiving (which is tomorrow in Canada). Sounds like a nice, low-stress evening, right? And I keep pushing myself, at least sometimes, to do things like this so I won't become a total hermit. But people have no idea how easily seemingly innocuous comments can trigger me into feeling hopeless, worthless, scared and all the rest. It went on and on throughout what I'm sure they thought was a pleasant evening until I was longing just to go home and be alone with my cat. I don't say anything unless it is with people I know are likely to get it, and most people can't be expected to. When things are going relatively well I can handle people. When not, I can't.
I've been having severe hip pain, it's a little better now but for a few days there I was limping around and screaming at the slightest movement. I mean, this was "count the minutes until it's time for the next painkiller" time. The physio is puzzled as to what exactly is wrong, and I've had to cut back on work which I already have too little of, not to mention not being able to do my own work around the property. So this guy (my friend's partner, that is) bluntly said it's arthritis and I can't work anymore. Huh? I'm trying not to take that too seriously but it's just an example of how being with people who aren't especially emotionally sensitive is almost impossible for me to do. I came home feeling stunned.
My depression is spiraling deeper. The fearful part of PTSD comes in waves, it's like I go through that intensely when I am afraid of losing something or someone important, and then when I've lost it already the depression sets in. I've lost so much in the past year, it's mind-boggling. It's not even a teary depression, more of an exhaustion and numbness and extreme hopelessness, I've been working on releasing emotion but mostly I can't even feel enough to cry. I know I've posted about problems with my mom, sleep, and so on and none of that is yet resolved, and I'm sorry to keep on complaining. It's all these issues tangled up together and each one affects the others.
I don't really need advice, I know what I need is a good therapist and that's being so hard, the last one I've been trying to get in to see hasn't called me back in almost two weeks though I called twice. Mostly I just wanted to reach out and remind myself I'm not alone. Thanks for listening.
