Truth hard to hear

[NewBeginnings]

I probabaly should have seen this coming. I struggled at different points because I wasn't told of my official diagnosis (even though I was given some handouts to help me with PTSD) we spoke about my dissociative episodes and I had issues early on being considered depressed (even though I clearly am).

I had my physical this week with my GP - huge as have always avoided drs. My family doc was asking about a few things and then mentioned that such and such was understandable and it is good that I continue therapy because it can take awhile especially with PTSD. Later she went on to say about the brain developing differently and good that the med is helping and many take for the rest of their lives....Wow-one hand yes I have this going on yet whoa I hadn't heard all the words together.

Then I saw my t today and told her my experience and asked her about the PTSD. She said yes that is my diagnosis and went into explain the cPTSD that is going on for me- she supported it with my dissociation and was complementary of all that I have done - I have no reason but I was so uncomfortable with all this- my t tried to get me to determine why this made me so uncomfortable and then suggested I may be afraid of judgement. I have been on this forum - contributed- clearly know what is happening for me and yet this conversation was almost crippling..

I don't know what I expected but talking about this was so hard. And I needed to discuss it. The pieces are seeming to come together more.

And then we spoke about some more of my experiences and she said that if my mom was more aware (present) that at least 2 of the men involved in my trauma would have likely been prosecuted and in jails for years. I questioned her saying I never thought it was all that bad.

Not sure my issue but just feeling broken and alone and that was not the intent. Back to the truth is hard to hear.

 

[Lost in Idaho]

I'm really sorry to hear about how it went and how it made you feel but I think you are handling it pretty good. I'm glad to see that you are still on here and not letting it scare you away from writing. My therapist is the one who told me that I have PTSD. I had joked about it with different friends and family before but never really thought about it, same as attention deficit disorder now my doctor is wanting to have me tested because he believes that I have those and wants to check for any other issues I might have but I still have months to wait before going in to be tested to know for sure. The doctors are also thinking that I have low grade cervical cancer again. When I was told that I have PTSD it actually scared the crap out of me because I always thought of military men in wars and stuff like that super traumatic and I know that I had a lot of crap happen but I always thought that I was doing pretty good dealing with stuff and it kind of makes me wonder now exactly what am I not remembering and how do I make myself remember to find out what really made my brain shut down to make me forget so much. I have a therapy appointment on Friday and I still don't know for sure how to talk to her. I always feel weird whenever I go in there and I always feel like I am being judged. Let alone tyre paranoia of my new husband seeing the pretty, skinny, younger wins who is obviously better of tray she's helping me because I have issues. I've had a lot of trust issues lot of emotional instabilities at any moment I know that I have problems but I also know what I want to be and it frustrates me whenever I can't let go of something and I can't just be happy and ignore some things but I'm still trying and I am really happy to see that you are still trying same as everyone else that is on these posts I've read some things on here that if I knew the person at the moment things were happening I would have judged them because I wouldn't of understood but I'm really glad that people are sharing and I like how everyone on here is willing to try to help each other even if they don't know how to help. Anyways, I know it's not much of a response to what you just wrote just a thank you.

 

[Crow]

Listening and hearing you.

 

[The Albatross]

The truth can be hard to hear, yeah... but it can also be a validation.

 

[NewBeginnings]

I'm really sorry to hear about how it went and how it made you feel but I think you are handling...

Thank you for your reply. (I had been without much service sorry I didn't reply sooner. I had been camping without any cell service for nearly a week. I would occasionally read a post when around service but hadn't really had an opportunity to reply.)

I appreciate the connection. Thank you for sharing and sorry it is so challenging for you too.

I think I have judgements around this and sometimes other people's experiences because on my limited understanding. I am constantly in awe in how nice people are on this forum and the genuine compassion for one another - it is really good incredible - this all helps me to be a better person and I have a ways to go. Trying to be nicer to myself.

 

[NewBeginnings]

I want to run away and hide-feeling really vulnerable right now -nothing has changed but I was away for nearly a week and I have my T appointment today and I am very very anxious for no good reason. I am usually anxious around my appointments but given my last appt - I think I am just super sensitive.

 

[Lost in Idaho]

I want to run away and hide-feeling really vulnerable right now -nothing has changed but I was...

Just please remember you are not alone. I really hope you the best. I've been thinking about writing everything down and just handing a piece of paper to mine so i don't have to talk till she's fine and asking questions.

 

[NewBeginnings]

I guess I must have been a rambling mess today.

My T is challenging my thinking around my actions. She is getting close to breaking me - on one hand I feel like I am a hopeless case and will never be able to do/ face what I need to do and on the other hand she has constant gracious pressure and challenges me and my actions.

She sees my patterns - my vulnerabilities and has me confront it. I almost feel like it is too much but it almost seems like what is needed to help me drive change. In some ways I hate this process but in a weird sort of way - I think I am headed in a good direction (if I can handle it).

I can say that this appt didn't help my anxiety and my t says that is because I need to face my fear....easy to say but every cell in my body is screaming run and hide.

 

[Lost in Idaho]

It is hard to do. I am still new to this whole therapy process I still feel awkward talking about anything. I feel more open talking on here than I do to people mostly because of how hard it is to remember some of the stuff. I know what happened and I don't remember all the details and then it makes me feel fake but at the same time I'm wishing that my therapist could just give me like questionnaires or quizzes that I just answer specific things and it could just tell me what my problem is and tell me how to fix it. And it's really hard I've had to face one of my fears for quite some time by forgiving it. My last relationship added to my problems making me so paranoid of my new relationship. It's hard but we will work on it together.

 

[NewBeginnings]

It is hard to do. I am still new to this whole therapy process I still feel awkward talking about...

This is an awkward process and one that annoys me because it is hard to talk about stuff. Objectively, it seems like it should be simple yet it sure doesn't seem to be. My T constantly reminds me that it would be simple but it is the most challenging because everything is tied to emotional experiences and I have coped for a long time pushing away my past. ( And then I think she know how to push me where I would not venture on my own which intensifies the whole situation.)

I was absolutely shocked that she believed me. I didn't want to believe it and wanted to wish it away - I hate being vulnerable and out of control which is what it feels like when discussing emotional topics. I don't think there is a quick fix. If writing it out works I would say go for it - baby steps are important and I try not to be so hard on myself.

Thanks for your support. Sending support your way too.