Relationship Trying To Understand!

[NikkiNikki]

My boyfriend has PTSD, he is a Iraq war vet. Marine. We have been together several monthas & we are very serious. He has been wonderful to me and my kids since day one. I've never known a guy as awesome as him. Very sweet, caring, loving, and never had a problem sharing his feelings or emotions with me. He has shared some of what goes on with his PTSD...just recently though. Everything has been great until this weekend. He just all of sudden quit calling me, quit replying to my texts, and did not come to see me like he said he would. I was really upset and hurt because this is just not like him, he has never done anything like this. Monday he sent me a text telling me how sorry he was and that he would call me and explain that night. No call. He did send me a email telling me he was under a ton of stress and that he was having an emotional breakdown. I was so upset at that point I kinda snapped at him and told him how upset and hurt I was. I tried to call him several times and he would not answer. I sent him a text telling him I loved him and he did reply saying he loved me too and that he was sorry.

Today we talk via email this morning & he told me how sorry he was, he loved me and wanted to be with me but he cant explain how he is feeling and that he had serious issues he needed to deal with. Finally it hit me that this hs to do with his PTSD. I just didn't notice at first because I have never had to deal with it before with him. I'm just in shock. I told him he could talk to me and I would listen and be understanding just to please call me tonight. He said he would call me. I just knew he would. Nope, no call. I text him, no reply. I tried to stress how much he was hurting me and how sad I was & that I was really worried about him.

Now after reading a little bit on here I am afraid I have said the wrong things. Now I am afraid I have pushed him further away by telling him how hurt and upset he has made me. I just don't know what to do. This came out of no where. If I didn't care about and love him so much I would just tell him to screw off because I don't deserve to be treated this way, but I just cant do that. I love him too much & I feel he is worth fighting for. I need some help please...do I just leave him alone?? Quit trying to contact him & let him come to when he is ready??? That just seems so hard to do. I don't want to give up on him, but this is so hard. It hurts so bad to be pushed away and ignored like this. I know he loves me. Thats what makes it so hard. He is not just some jerk trying to blow me off...even though that is how it feels right now..TIA.

 

[MurphyJB]

Hey there. First of all, welcome. I'm new here too.
My boyfriend also suffers from combat PTSD and is a Marine that served in Iraq. The best advice I can give you is to just give him his space. I know it is the hardest thing in the world to do, but pushing him to communicate will probably just push him further away. I think it is fine to tell him that his behavior upset you, but wait until he is in a different state of mind. Or else it won't do any good. I hope this helped a little bit. Feel free to send me a message if you just want to talk or anything.

 

[NikkiNikki]

Thank you, I just wish I would have come here first before jumping all over him. Now that I understand ptsd a little better I know I should not take it so personal. Even though that is easier said than done...I think for tomorrow I will just leave him be and let him contact me. It will be hard as hell though. I dont want to push him away, he really is a great guy...just hurts.

 

[ISupportHer]

My first observation is that you, Nikki, are no different than so many that have been here before you and so many that will come after you or I. Things happen and, I feel, we react based on whatever our life experience has been. Many times it is simply driven by panic. I would just say that I had to give myself a break and let go of what I feel were the wrong reactions. I made decisions and said things that were based on what I knew (or rather did NOT know) at the time,

But now I, and you, have a different knowledge base. I know you are fresh on your journey, but you know more than you did yesterday and you will know more tomorrow. I hope you can let go af any guilt. Look straight ahead and start fresh. The mistake is truly if you do something tomorrow that you know is wrong today. And it is OK to seek guidance to discern how to proceed.

You are human, keep doing the human thing and continue to do your best. This may, in fact, include backing off a bit.

Welcome

ISH

 

[NikkiNikki]

Thank you. I said I would not try to contact him, but I caved and sent him a couple of texts yesterday & an email. Just telling him I loved him & I was really worried about him. Of course no response. I'm so afraid if I do back off and don't try to contact him he will think I have given up on him...so confusing. But this forum has helped me see this is so common for suffers & had helped me like I said not take it so personal. Which has helped a lot! I just had no idea at first. Such a shock.

Yesterday was my bday and it crushed me that I had 0 contact from him....

How do you deal with friends and family members? I have not wanted to talk to any of them about this because I know they would not understand. I know they would tell me that he is being a jerk, that he obviously doesn't want anything to do with me and that I should just let him go. Which is what I would do if anyone else did something like this to me. But he's not some jerk. He's a wonderful, caring, loving, special person. He has a million great qualities that far out weigh his bad. If he were a jerk I would have an easy time letting go of the relationship. Its just not the case with him...

So anyways I will keep reading here. I have spent so many hours here so far. Actually maybe too much time spent here....PTSD is all I can think about right now. But at least I am not walking around thinking I am just being dumped with no explanation or reason for it. I have learned so much and I am sure there is so much more to learn. If and when he comes back to I know that what I have learned here would def help me and him both deal with this illness.

Thank you again.

 

[NikkiNikki]

Well he broke up with me tonight. Via email. Told me he had too many issues to deal with and was not ready for a relationship. Heartbroken.

 

[MurphyJB]

Hang in there. It is hard, and will continue to be hard. At this point you have a decision to make. What if he emails you in 2 days saying he wants you back? What will you do? Just from what I've seen with my boyfriend, people with PTSD made erratic decisions and then try to change them. Know that you have many shoulders to lean on here.

 

[NikkiNikki]

I would take him back in a heart beat. I know how pathetic that sounds too. We went from everything was perfect to this. We have never even had an argument. No one has ever been as good to me as he was. We had a very strong connection on many many levels..this will be very hard to get over if we dont get back together.

 

[amethist]

Maybe you should read frankie's thread, read another members story of how she made the decision she did. Not an easy one to make for anybody, but it may help you understand why some have to make a choice.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-hardest-thing-i-have-had-to-do.9102/[/DLMURL]

What you describe happens so often, we will not tell you what to do, just help you make the right decissions for both of you.

Take care.

Amethist

 

[NikkiNikki]

I can see why she would say no more. This is so painful. If I was to be put through this every couple of months...well I just dont know that I could. This is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with and I consider myself a pretty strong person.

The person I know and fell in love with would have never dumped the woman he loved via email. He would consider that a very d-bag thing to do. He is the type of person that likes to do things the right way..and well all know that breaking up with someone you say your in love with via email is just not the right thing.

I keep reminding myself that its not me, he even said it wasnt my fault...that he did love me but he still has too many issues to deal with and not as ready for a relationship as he thought he was & that knowing I was sad and upset was the worst feeling ever & hoped I could forgive him. He also said he had an appt to see his therapist today. I can just hope he "checks back in" soon...I miss my best friend

 

[CestMoi]

Hang in there NikkiNikki. MurphyJB has a very good point as does amethist. I do not have much experience with dealing with a boyfriend with PTSD as this is my first time, but I just wanted to let you know that I do understand where you are coming from (as I'm sure many do). A few weeks ago, my boyfriend just disappeared for a week and a half. I had no idea what to think. He just dropped off the face of the earth. He didn't call like he said he would. He didn't respond to texts or calls. (I also didn't know for certain at the time whether he had PTSD or not but now I do know he was diagnosed with it). My boyfriend, like yours, is an Iraqi war veteran that is just an amazing, sweet guy. I too felt like a fool for my initial actions/thoughts and wished I had come across this information first but ISupportHer is right - we are human and our experiences in life have a lot to do with how we react. I hope he checks back in soon as well but like amethist said, you have to decide what is best for you.

What I can tell you is this forum is amazing - read through as many posts as you can and learn as much as you can about PTSD. That was the best advice I was "given" from reading posts on here and while it doesn't fix anything, you can definitely find support, honesty, and solace here. I have learned so much and keep learning more every day.

Something I read that helped me in the time when I didn't know what was going, where he was and what to do - besides this forum - are these words:

"You can't control what he does or doesn't do. And letting his actions determine your emotions is turning you into a bystander in your own life. So let go and leave the future of the relationship up to the fates. Take back your energy, trust in yourself and get ready for the next adventure in your life, which may or may not include him."​

 

[NikkiNikki]

"You can't control what he does or doesn't do. And letting his actions determine your emotions is turning you into a bystander in your own life. So let go and leave the future of the relationship up to the fates. Take back your energy, trust in yourself and get ready for the next adventure in your life, which may or may not include him."​

Truer words have never been spoken! That is exactly what I needed to hear and remember. Its been one week since he broke up with me. Its gotten easier. I am still sad and wishing he would call, but I am not quite the mess I was when this all first started. I love him to death and would do anything to be with him, but I have to take care of me now.

I did everything I knew to let him know I loved him, wanted to be with him, and was here for him. The rest is up to him. I am going to move on with my life & just hope he finds peace & gets help dealing with his PTSD. If it was meant to be he will come back..and if he doesn't well then that is his loss. I feel I am losing out on the love of my life, but its out of my hands now. Gotta put on my big girl panties and deal with it.