Two Sides

[Casey_03]

I apologize in advance for posting so much lately and being so far stuck up my own a**. There is a lot going on and hence, a lot for me to process. I have been in only two serious relationships in my life that involved genuine love -- one with an abuser who gave me PTSD, one with an incredibly caring, intelligent man who, unfortunately, was very emotionally immature. I have spent the past 3 years or so in love with the latter, secretly hoping to rekindle things and hanging on to that hope. He'd always given me vague excuses for why we couldn't be together -- he was scared, he knew he'd let me down, he wasn't strong enough for me, etc. All of this only made me continue hoping, because there was no believable, concrete reason for us not to be together. Today I learned of the real reason - he was still in love with an ex and always believed they'd end up together. Makes perfect sense. While I am sad to learn this, I also feel liberated. I find myself realizing that he brought out the softer side of me -- he always loved me for being gentle and soft, even weak. That was what our relationship was always based on. So I think back to my other serious relationship and realize that that man loved me for the opposite reasons -- for being strong, even "predatory" as he used to say, and manipulating situations to my advantage (not always in the bad sense, but in the sense of being aware of who was out to play me and playing them first). I can't help but find myself now reverting to that old identity and sort of thinking THAT's who I really am, not the soft, weak woman I've been for the past few years. Is this just a defense mechanism? I think I already know the answer, but would be interested in learning people's thoughts on this -- how different relationships bring out different versions of the self, and how it's possible to lose sight of one part of the self only to later regain it. I hope that makes sense; I'm a bit scatterbrained today.

 

[illusionist]

We all have strengths and weaknesses....it's when you can show both sides of yourself in a relationship that you are being your true self.

 

[Born to Run]

I would think that both parts are part of you at this moment in life. The predatory part could maybe be related to acting out your old predator. That is what I did too in my only relationship, and looking back it was a coping mechanism only. At this moment I no longer have this predatory part left, by processing the predator's actions towards me.

 

[Born to Run]

I did wonder how genuine love for an abuser giving you ptsd can go together?

 

[sun seeker]

Makes sense to me. We're multifaceted beings. I wonder whether in addition to the ending relationship, the stronger side of you is coming out again now to handle your new job? It might be a better fit than the softer side. It's only when we are so affected by the situation that we are not adapting so much as losing sight of our identity that there is a problem.

I too though would question whether a relationship that included such extreme abuse could really be about love. Unless he changed radically?

Edited to add: And no need to apologize for posting a lot. It doesn't seem like a lot to me, and anyway that's what this board is for!

 

[scout86]

two serious relationships in my life that involved genuine love -

What does "genuine love" mean to you? I'm not sure how I see that either of these is genuine love. I can see how you might have loved these guys. I'm not sure how I see that either of them genuinely loved YOU. They may have loved things about you. They may have loved the way you made them feel. If they had really loved YOU, I think they would have loved and accepted all the parts of you and would have treated you with respect. They would have wanted the best for you in every way. I'm not sure, from what you've said, that either of them did.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm not sure how I see that either of them genuinely loved YOU.

And what a great opportunity you have now, being single, to find out what true love means to you. Sometimes being alone can be a gift.

I don't know if you have posted before about what your life was like before PTSD. I'm sorry if you have and I've missed it. What examples of love did you see growing up? What did you expect it to be like?

I've only been in one serious relationship in my life (and I'm older than you). I could have sworn at least when it began that it was love, because that was what he told me and I came from a family with lousy ways of showing love, if they felt it at all, so how was I to know? I don't know how or whether that fits for you.

 

[Casey_03]

I guess I should clarify, @Born to Run - The boyfriend I mentioned who gave me PTSD wasn't always abusive; the incident which caused my PTSD happened when he suffered a psychotic break after doing drugs. So it wasn't an abusive relationship prior to that, there were in fact many good years. I think it was the abruptness of the abuse that made dealing with the trauma afterwards so much harder. @scout86 - You may be right and they may not have loved me. I will never really know. I guess I just find it strange that they brought out such different sides of me. But you make a very good point; it may have been one-sided .... which might mean I'm attracted to relationships in which I'm the giver and they are the taker. I don't really know where I get my definition of love, that is certainly something to think about. My parents were never happy together, so I don't think they offered the best example.