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Sufferer Unwilling to accept hopelessness anymore. There is a way to heal the emotions, nervous system dysregulation, and behavioral patterns

WideEyedMan

New Here
Hi all, I am new here (I just found this forum today) and I wanted to share a little bit about my story. Any positive affirmations or expressions of support are welcome. I don't intend to continue responding to things in this thread, and I am doing this as a way to put myself out there rather than engage in ongoing conversation.

I am 35 years old. I have slowly been accepting that I have cPTSD for about the last 12 years since the first time I walked into a therapist's office. I have come to understand that the patterns of dissociation, hyperarousal, fawn, and freeze that I experience are a result of the combination of my traumatic birth (born 6 weeks early by C-section due to mother getting pre-eclampsia) and the emotional neglect I suffered in childhood due to my mother having undiagnosed cPTSD and my father's general emotional avoidance.

I have explored a variety of treatment approaches over the years as my understanding of the nature of mental health issues has evolved including therapy, support groups, group therapy, psychedelics, healing communities, 12-step programs, etc.

Since I got married about 5 years ago, I have become increasingly hopeless about my ability to be a fully functioning, actualized adult which I can now see is a direct result of the emotional closeness required in my marriage triggering all sorts of cPTSD stuff. In the last week or so something has shifted inside of me and I am now unwilling to accept hopelessness anymore. There is a way to heal the emotions, nervous system dysregulation, and behavioral patterns I have been stuck in throughout my life and I am willing to do what it takes to discover what those are and to apply them!

Like I said, I just wanted to put some of my story out there and my intentions as a member of this forum in a community where I trust you all would get it.
 
Welcome to the forum! Hearing your story and your willingness to continue exploring and seeking ways to heal is inspiring. It takes a lot of courage to confront the trauma and the patterns that have resulted from it, and it's important to acknowledge the progress you've made so far. Remember to be gentle with yourself on this journey and to reach out for support when you need it. This community is here for you and understands what you're going through. You are not alone.
 
I totally relate with your story! I’ve got cPTSD from physical and emotional neglect most of my childhood from birth on. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, and it never crossed my mind it might be the emotional closeness needed triggering some stuff. Thank you for that! This is the first healthy relationship I’ve had, and he’s made it very clear he’s not going anywhere. I’ve been in talk therapy for 6 years, but the past year I’ve realized my issue is in my body and deeper in my brain than any talk therapy or intellectualizing can reach. I’ve been practicing mindfulness, expressing anger (in healthy ways only), letting myself cry instead of pushing it down (that’s been a 5 year long process and there’s still ways more to go). I’m also working on finding a cPTSD informed practice where I can do EMDR and/or Neurofeedback therapy. I’ve been stuck in these negative patterns my whole 38 years, realistically it’s going to take lots of time, patience, self-compassion and courage to find and be my true, authentic self. We can do it.
 
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