Sufferer Various Traumatic Events By Adopted Sociopath Brother

[Shannen]

Hey Everyone,

I'm new here and just wanted to introduce myself. I am 27 years old married woman to a wonderful man. I was diagnosed with chronic PTSD when I was 22 years old. I can't tell you how long I've been suffering (or as I like to call it surviving) PTSD... sometimes it feel like my whole life.

My therapist told me that the reason I am diagnosed with chronic PTSD is because I have experienced various traumatic events in my earlier life. I guess here is my story:(possible triggers)

I grew up in a normal enough home, mom, dad, big sister. But when I was 2 my mother decided to become a foster mom which I thought was so cool. I had lots of foster brothers and sisters and we eventually adopted two little boys (who were not related to each other). That was when my life took a turn for the worse.

My younger brother (1 yr younger) is, and I truly believe this, a sociopath. It's not his fault I guess, he was horribly neglected by his bio-mother. But when I turned about 6 or 7 he started physically abusing me, He would hurt me...badly. I walked on egg shells all the time. Knowing that one wrong word, one wrong look and I was going to get it. My parents did not know how to deal with this, they or more or less checked out. One day in particular, when I was about 9, he was unloading the dishwasher and I made some smart comment to him. He grabbed a knife from the dishwasher, and pinned me into the corner and said " do you know how easy it would be to slit your throat??" and then laughed this menacing, horrible laugh. That's what it was like all the time.

I remember one time he pushed me down the stairs and I dislocated my shoulder. I went to school the next day with my arm in a sling. The teachers asked me what happened and when I told them...they didn't believe me- maybe they though it was an accident or maybe they thought it was just kids playing. So I stopped talking to adults after that..what was the point.

Things progressively got worse after that. It got so bad my parents had to put a lock on the outside of his door and lock at night because he would sneak into me and my siblings rooms and stand over us, or choke us. One day my mother had to go to the store and he was throwing an epic fit (breaking furniture and all) so my mother locked the door. She asked me to stay behind and took my siblings out for ice cream. I sat at the bottom of the stairs staring at the door at the top of the steps (his room) and watched as the wood of the door bent and crack as he kicked and kicked and kicked. All the while screaming at me that when he got out he would kill me... and I believed him. Paralyzed with fear at the bottom of those steps knowing if that door didn't hold...that would be it for me ( I was 11 years old).

Things continued to get worse and when I was 13 he was finally sent to a residential facility where they deemed him a danger to society and was kept there until he was 18. I thought my prayers had been answered when he went away but the heart break and pain that remained was almost somehow worse.

My relationship with my parents was so broken and I fell into a severe depression. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd and when I was 15 I was sexually assaulted by a man (22 yrs old). The older brother of a friend. He did not rape me, but his hand on my body felt so disgusting. I didn't tell anyone for a long time, I figured that since he didn't rape me...what he did technically wasn't wrong. Now I know better.

Things have changed a lot in the last 12 years. I've learned to trust again, even a man- my wonderful husband. I've repaired the relationship with my family. Though sometimes it still seems impossible. My parents still talk to him, last I heard he is living one town over from them. But I have not seen or spoken to him in 10 years. My mother says he will always be her son, and for that sometimes I think she is a saint and other times a complete lunatic. She has asked me many times to write him a letter expressing how I feel and how I felt but I cant bring myself to do it.

Oddly enough I don't hate him. I wish him good things I'm just completely indifferent to him. The hardest thing is the feeling of worthlessness I've experienced. It's hard to understand why he wanted to kill me as a child...what I did that was so wrong, why my life wasn't valuable to him, and then the sexual assault added to those feeling of worthlessness,,,I wasn't enough to even show a little respect...you can just take what you want and that's that?

My husband becomes upset with my low self esteem. I constantly think I'm not good enough for him but I'm working on that. Thank you all for reading my story. It's been a very long time since I've talked about any of this and it's good to know there is people who understand what I'm going through.

 

[lala]

I have also suffered trauma at the hands of a sociopath. I think it is upsetting to a naturally empathetic person to try to understand a person with no empathy. It is almost impossible to imagine and trying to do so breaks the sense of how the world works. I have given up trying to understand that person and have made a conscious effort to instead focus my empathy onto myself. Good luck with your journey.

 

[franciemarnie]

Welcome!

May I just say that it infuriates me that your parents "checked out". Something is wrong with parents that knowingly allow their child to live in an environment in which she never is not safe and cannot feel safe growing up. Talk about threat to safety! Geez!

I certainly understand why you have feelings of low worth from that issue alone. What is the message your little self received from your parents decision to look the other way? Those were your formative years.

I didn't have those exact circumstances but I also grew up in a home where I could never relax, I always was checking out in a hyper vigilant way what was happening every second I was home with the sick member of the family. My mother and brother were oblivious. When I was targeted, their eyes went unfocused. It wasn't happening. I have had a hell of a time trusting my experience of reality. Until I was 49, other people's perceptions trumped mine. A person can go nuts when they can't trust their reality.

I don't know why your mother wants you to write the sociopath a letter. Who is that supposed to help? She must be in denial or she would know that's a waste of time.

I think you sound wonderful and I am glad you can trust again. Like lala said, focus your empathy on yourself. You deserve all the love and empathy you can shower upon yourself.

 

[orchidbird]

Hi and welcome to the forum!

I don't post much as I feel like there are far wiser and more articulate people than I but I feel compelled to respond to you.

Amongst other stuff that has contributed to my PTSD I was also physically abused by my brother for the majority of my childhood and like you, my mum turned a blind eye, infact on one occasion he punched me so hard in the side of my head that it floored me, as well as perforated my ear drum, right in front of her and just before I blacked out I saw her step over me and walk into her room. I also asked for help, teachers, police, mum, friends, no one ever listened or helped. Like you I gave up asking.

Again like you, I have also got to a point where I wish my brother no ill and I do speak and see him every now and then, it has taken about 15 years to get to this point. I wonder tho, if he wasn't my blood relative if I'd have bothered. I only ever really did it for my mum, we are a very fractured family!

I can kind of understand why your mum would want you to open lines of communication with him, don't we all dream of having a happy family? Siblings that get on and what not, but speaking from experience that happy family is never going to happen, you'll probably never get an apology, acknowledgment or even someone taking accountability for their own actions and why should it be you that makes the first move? For me, it just reinforced the worthlessness and all the other stuff I feel.

In my opinion the fact that you have got to the point where you wish him well and have no ill, or any, feelings towards him is amazing and I congratulate you on that, be proud of yourself for achieving that. Please don't let anyone guilt you or force you to do something you are not comfortable with.
I completely agree with what franciemarnie and Lala said, focus on yourself. You deserve to be loved honestly and purely.

I wish you all the best for your recovery.
Ob x

 

[Jacnic]

Welcome Shannen. Please use the forum to read, ask questions and learn. We are all journeying together. It is a wonderful community.

 

[rightkindofme]

My brother beat me and tried to rape me for many years. I slept with my window open and the screen off so that I could escape when he came into my room at night with knives. I understand. That brother is dead. He committed suicide when he was 21. I think about him all the time. I feel so much shame and guilt and anger but very little forgiveness.

I wish I could forgive.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)