Wanting to understand this behaviour...

[Rani G2]

There is a person I like who has a certain "way" that is irritating.

There are a lot of trauma involved as well, attachment issues and so on. So, when someone wants to stay connected and suddenly goes into distance I think its natural to ask ourselves why. This person is very interested and is quite open then again goes back into being somewhat emotionally distant. There could be many reasons yes, people need their spaces, times to sought out and deal with issues.

This happend quite a few times and now I am a bit angry because I see that there is a wanting from that person to show "look I dont need you". I know by saying this I struggle with this too because I see some kind of dominance there.

So I got so angry and cut this person off, erased her contact details. This is a wanting to show "huh .. I dont need you". This is a quite childish and not a sign for being emotionally intelligent.

Why am I being hurt here? I dont ever ever ever want to be that person who needs others.

F* em.

Shankara

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I find that often times some of the behaviors of others that get to me the most and cause such deep and powerful emotional reactions are the exact ones that I'm also demonstrating on some level and recognize within myself, but haven't yet fully gotten in touch with it inside my own context to fully innerstand it, which is why it keeps getting shown to me over and over in all those other external places.

So many mirrors we encounter in our daily attempts to interact with humanity. That old school suspicious belief of breaking a mirror bringing you 7 years of bad luck makes more sense to me when I think of it this way rather than with an actual mirror, as I often wished to either break the individuals, or at the very least break ties with the individuals who showed me the most uncomfortable stuff. The blatant assholes are much easier to spot and break ties with.

Perhaps try to look at your relationships with others (and everything, pretty much) not so much as a desperate "need", but rather as a life enrichment opportunity. Do they genuinely enrich your life by being a part of it? If not, and the reason is because of things they are actually doing that you absolutely can't tolerate, rather than just your perception based on past experiences or preconceived notions, then ask why you're still spending energies in that arena. If they do enrich your life, then continue to spend time healthily nurturing the relationship and make it a point to openly communicate with each other when things feel off for whatever reason.

 

[Justmehere]

Did you ask them why they did what they did?

I think you might be projecting this about yourself:

Why am I being hurt here? I dont ever ever ever want to be that person who needs others.

On to them in this way:

This happend quite a few times and now I am a bit angry because I see that there is a wanting from that person to show "look I dont need you".

It’s healthy to need people. Humans are not built to live entirely alone.

I wonder if you do need people but it’s too painful and confusing when they are not consistent or you believe they don’t need you back. That can happen a lot after trauma, especially trauma at the hands of humans. It makes being vulnerable enough to need another person really scary. Terrifying. And some people try to push out that need as a way to cope with the impact of trauma.

 

[Friday]

I don't isolate as part of a dominance game. I isolate because I'm overwhelmed.

People can often do the same thing for different reasons.

 

[Rani G2]

but haven't yet fully gotten in touch with it inside my own context to fully innerstand it, which is why it keeps getting shown to me over and over in all those other external places.

Thanks you tornadic Thoughts...makes sense.

 

[Rani G2]

I wonder if you do need people but it’s too painful and confusing when they are not consistent or you believe they don’t need you back. That can happen a lot after trauma, especially trauma at the hands of humans.

Yes, they are activating a hurt/child like emotion on to the surface..this could be seen as a possibility to work on those emotions

 

[The Albatross]

They are? Or you are??? (activating a hurt/child like emotion). Other people have a myrad of obligations, commitments, tasks, things that go sideways... like me for instance I've been ill most all this week and started a new job that was brutal for me the week before. I didn't have contact with my friends for over a week... some a week and a half, and one for two weeks. I didn't do that "TO" them, I prioritized my time, resources and abilities to take care of my needs first. I do not expect my friends to be a "constant" in my life because I know they have their own stuff to deal with and manage. My own friends know if I go quiet for more than two weeks it is usually a down cycle or depressive episode and they'll hunt me down to check on me.

I'm really curious what conclusion you come to Purusha about " This person is very interested and is quite open then again goes back into being somewhat emotionally distant." - because to me this consistency that you would like from another person is the very thing that I expect you have been struggling with personally.

Like you shared - there's many reasons someone falls to the background or isn't in contact as much or when we'd like... but then you went on to "I see that there is a wanting from that person to show "look I dont need you". I know by saying this I struggle with this too because I see some kind of dominance there." This is a cognitive leap completely discounting the various possibilities about why someone isn't in contact when we'd like them to. It seems to me that you're consistently looping back to your hardwiring of dominance/power/not being the loser or vulnerable one. Just another aspect of the same loop when a situation or person or circumstance activates YOU to think/feel this.

I had a mentor who would quip with me often when I'd go on about all the looks, comments, interpretations and things that were so seemingly upsetting for me or being done "to" me by various people.... "Honey, contrary to popular belief very seldom are you going to be someone's priority unless it's by blood or marriage. People have their own priorities and you need to get over yourself". She was right.

 

[Rani G2]

It seems to me that you're consistently looping back to your hardwiring of dominance/power/not being the loser or vulnerable one. Just another aspect of the same loop when a situation or person or circumstance activates YOU to think/feel this.

Yes.