Sexual Assault Was I Raped?

[roman]

back in july my best friend and i were hanging out while his girlfriend was at work. i knew he had feelings for me, and so did his girlfriend. i did not reciprocate. they wanted to have a polyamorous relationship and always kind of came on to me. at this time i had a boyfriend.

i went into the basement trying to get away from my friend purposely, and i called my dad to see if he'd pick me up. he said wait until noon but that was hours away. my friend comes into the basement and things change quickly and he gets on top of me.

he kisses me and i barely kiss him back. i felt bad not kissing him since he loved me. i tried to push him off but he wouldn't budge. since he and i were both into bdsm, it's hard to find a fine line between "roleplaying" and not wanting it. he begins to choke me and calls me 'baby boy' a lot. he makes me call him daddy and he pulls my hair really hard. i kept telling him i'm serious and that he needs to get off.

i could hear my phone ringing and i knew it was my boyfriend so i reach for it, but he tosses my phone away and holds my hands above my head putting all his weight on my wrists. i try to kick him off and he keeps saying i know i want it. he shoves his hand down my pants and begins fingering me. (we are both transgender boys, so no penises were involved) i tried to squirm away and then he just tells me to sit still and he chokes me. i give up and just sit. i do end up finishing, and felt incredibly guilty about it. he told me to touch him and i didn't know what to do. i told him no. i can't remember why i even did it. there's some holes in the memory.

was i raped? i received and gave. i struggled and then gave up. was it really rape?

 

[Muted]

YES. That was rape. I'm so sorry for what you went through.

 

[claroscuro]

From what you describe, yes, that was rape. Your verbal and physical refusals were ignored, a means of escape was eliminated (your phone being tossed out of reach), and you were finally coerced into submission. That, in any situation, adds up to rape.

I'm sorry you experienced this.

To be clear, the following is NOT an attempt to place any blame on you. There is no blame to be set on you. Things can get a little murky in BDSM practices sometimes, and what follows is just to possibly help you. Are you aware of the concepts of CSS (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)? If not, please read up on this. Also, scenes are set up through a process of negotiations of limits and expectations. And safe words are important, because lines are often blurred, and sometimes people cross lines they weren't even aware existed and don't want to cross. No responsible practitioner will engage in a scene without an enthusiastic "Yes", and in the absence of a safe word, "No" really does mean "No" at any point during an active scene. What was done to you was NOT a BDSM scene, and your eventual submission was not consent.

 

[turtlemoon]

I am so sorry this happened. But yes, sexual acts without your consent are assault. What he did to you was illegal, and it is not ok. Your body's response is not your fault. Nerve endings are there for a reason, and how they respond does not make you wrong or him right.