General We Carers Are Not Mind Readers

[amethist]

I usually have very good communication with my husband, but for the last few day's things have not been that good and it all came to a head this morning when i asked why he did not want to eat last night.

He came out with the usual I wasn't hungry excuse, which again i had to explain that he does not always feel hungry because the nerve from his stomach to his brain is not working properly still and it will take quite while to get back to normal from all the not eating he did at the beginning of last year. And he has to eat regularly to regain the feeling of hunger.

He then went on to say that he felt sick whenever he is cooking or making a meal for himself while i am at work. He said he does not know why this is happening because he wants to eat but can't.

If i cook there is no problem, which i have been doing for the last few nights and it also explains why i have had to waste so much food over the last few weeks.

This is just one thing there are a few others but this is the main one and it could also explain why he is so tired again.

" No fuel in the engine, engine wont work "

So i have told him if he is not honest with me about even the smallest of problems, how the H@#L can his therapist help him if he is not told everything as it occurs.

We are back to see his therapist on Wednesday, so it looks like i am going to have to tell him whats happening myself as i know he will forget or say,

" It's not that important we will see how it goes and tell him next time"

Like the title of this thread Say's

"We carers are not mind readers we need to be told what is going on."

Amethist

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi amethist, from what you described, could it be possible that it takes too much energy or motivation that he has not said? Or maybe even more so, he may feel anxious/ discouraged when you are at work? -Just a thought.

It's very hard for people to say what's really "between the lines"; I think often times it has a lot to do with fear. Maybe even the fear of "recovery" and what it will require/ entail (especially when you have no energy for the small stuff, let alone what seems (in one's mind) like a huge mountain to get over).

Good luck and hugs to you.

 

[Noone.]

Hi Amethist.

I have to say sometimes it's easier for us when were feeling detached to just go through the motions.
When we say were not hungry were really sparing you of the thoughts and the
feelings that are tearing us down.
In my case I would be glad that your not a mind reader.
I would want to protect you even if it means shutting you out to do so.
This issue we have is not so cut and dry,
but there is hope, I pray you find it together.

Take care.

FIRE.

 

[becvan]

It's anxiety. Plain and simple. It can stop us from eating no matter how hungry we are. Unless he is starving to death, what is the huge emergency here? Really I don't see why he would tell the therapist about this. When we go to a therapist we have so much to cover that we need to prioritize. We can not and do not have enough time in the day to go over every single increased symptom as it comes and goes. That is all we would be doing!!!

Also he did tell you what was wrong. He's not hungry. Which means his body or his mind is refusing the food. You may consider it an excuse, but it sounds like the truth to me. The lack of energy could also be caused from an increase in anxiety. This just is not as simple as eat 3 times a day.

If all you have to worry about is whether or not he is eating 3 square meals a day and that is considered a priority in therapy, count your blessings.

You sound like a very nice carer and I don't mean to sound belittling or (I can't think of the word!!! callous? oh hell I'm sure you can figure it out.) I just am amazed I just read this! Of all our problems, you are upset because his inability to eat was not explained to your satisfaction and you feel it's a top priority in therapy? WOW.

bec

 

[Nicolette]

Hmmm....I think it is easy to become emotionally overwhelmed as a Carer and sometimes "the straw which breaks the camel's back" may not be the real issue.

Bec is right in what she says and Ken has some really valid points too. I also understand what Amethist is saying and her need to vent her frustration, feeling like she has to continually guess what is wrong.

Due to my experience I can sit on the fence tonight and see both sides and totally empathise with Amethist also. There are other times where I would probably feel like Amethist does and others when I can objectively take a Sufferer's view.

All I can say is hang in there Amethist.... there is light at the end of the tunnel. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[fin]

Food is an important part of our physiological welfare, I do think it is also an indicator for a worsening mood- depression too. Amethist has your husband had anything change or an adjustment with his meds. etc

I know it was a good anniversary that you just had from rehab perhaps though in some ways if your hubby is feeling out of control he maybe is looking to take some of that back and eating can be another extreme form of self control and also abuse like alcohol. If he maybe feels like he has no control in other areas, it may be why he is struggling with this. I do think this also relates back into self esteem and respect, it has done for me on these counts too.

Nourishment is so important in our coping strategy for life, we depend on it for more than our energy requirements we need also nutrients etc and again I understand that this also manifests in other areas such as concentration, sex drive and physical stamina. I believe the brain switchs down first as in aloss of mood, the body I think is conditioned to and would store energy down as fat in times of famine so that it could utilise this energy supply for basic survival instincts. One of our most basic being nourishment.

I think it is important that your husband tells his psychologist of this situation, but again I would be careful because pressure will not help. And men can be prone to eating disorders too, and this may also be a way for him to regain control over an aspect of his life where he feels perhaps he has lost something.

All this is speculation on my part but I struggled with this myself and it was one of the first things I tackled when I came to the forum. There was a lot for me to start with and it was difficult. I found one thing that helped me was encouragement, a friend that with no pressure at all, gently helped me to look at food again, and helped me to understand that was something I needed to live and survive, he also made it sound fun too. I began to remember some times in my life when I have not punished myself in this manner, because it is a form of self abuse. Thankyou Fire for this.

I do believe that how we see ourselves in relation to eating and actually realsing the need for it is important in learning to manage ptsd also, because we need to have our basic requirements met first, and nourishment is in there. We are all different in how we respond to most things, I just thought I would give another piece to this also. I hope that this can help you some Amethist, please remember to take care of you too

 

[amethist]

Thank you everyone for the advice and comments.

I have had time to back off from this today with being at work, and on reflection it is probably more my problem than his. It all goes back to when he was drinking 24/7 last year and was not eating very much at all, and think i just got scared and that " shit why won't he eat now feeling ". It is not that he won't eat as he has had sandwiches today which he made himself. He Say's it's more for some reason he cannot physically eat not that he does not want to, so you are probably right about the anxiety part making him feel as if he can't eat. Nobody is expecting him to eat 3 meals a day just morning and evening and if possible something at lunch time when he feels able.

He gets anxious when i am at work most days but he has got used to that part of things and it is still early days with his therapy and yes i do understand that every little problem need not necessarily be discussed at the sessions and maybe i am just being too much of the mother hen. All i am asking him to do is let me know if he can so the small thing don't become bigger as the big problems are hard enough to cope with on their own.

I will do my best not to make too much of a fuss and just say OK see how you feel later, it's there if you want it and leave it for him when he is ready and not me.

Thank you bevcan for saying i sound like a nice carer, maybe another problem i have is that i sometimes care too much because he is a lovely guy and treats me really well even when he is having an off day and is really thoughtful to my needs when he is having a good day.

I think yesterday i was just venting like you said Nicolette because we cares hurt for them and that's how it comes out sometimes.

I will now go away and absorb all the comments and stop fretting and take some of the advice given to sufferers and take things more slowly and stop expecting too much from either of us. as i was told not long ago we are both recovering from this so yes Fin i will take care of myself as well thanks for reminding me of this.

And fire yes i am glad i am not a mind reader too and he does protect me in his own way.

Thank you every one for the support.

Amethist

 

[Overcast]

Cooking may be too much for him. I deal with eating problems when my PTSD is acting up. I have to have something simple like cereal and milk available for those times. Another suggestion is to have some boost or ensure available to him. He may not feel like eating but he might not mind drinking. I would check with him and see what works for him or what he is willing to try. There is nothing wrong with sandwiches if that is what he can muster up.

 

[amethist]

Thanks Overcast but this thread is now over 4 years old and we have moved on from this now.