What is a "friend"?

[OldFashionRose]

Wow, this is a great thread!! I ask myself the same questions about friendship.

Trust is huge, but what about boundaries? Even with friends there needs to be a time or place to be able to say "no". No, I can't be there. No, that doesn't work for me. No, I'd rather not do that. No, I'm not comfortable talking about that. Both parties should be able to draw a line and be okay with it.

Then, there are expectations. Those are so scary and can be the death of a friendship. I've been laid up a couple times in the hospital and experienced what you have. Only one friend visits. I was hurt, angry, and questioning my value. Then, I realized it was my own expectations that made me feel that way. I assumed that because I was laid up it was common protocol for friends to visit. I never said anything to them, or asked them to. I just expected them to because that is what I would do. Tough, tough, tough to know when can I count on you as a friend, and when am I expecting too much of you as a friend?

I hope you are finding some answers and developing the friends you want and need.

 

[Mach123]

They stay with you no matter what and if they go away for awhile they come back. You just know. And if you have one or two people who are truly like this you are fortunate. Real friends are hard to come by.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Wow, this is a great thread!! I ask myself the same questions about friendship.

Trust is huge, but what about boundaries? Even with friends there needs to be a time or place to be able to say "no". No, I can't be there. No, that doesn't work for me. No, I'd rather not do that. No, I'm not comfortable talking about that. Both parties should be able to draw a line and be okay with it.

Then, there are expectations. Those are so scary and can be the death of a friendship. I've been laid up a couple times in the hospital and experienced what you have. Only one friend visits. I was hurt, angry, and questioning my value. Then, I realized it was my own expectations that made me feel that way. I assumed that because I was laid up it was common protocol for friends to visit. I never said anything to them, or asked them to. I just expected them to because that is what I would do. Tough, tough, tough to know when can I count on you as a friend, and when am I expecting too much of you as a friend?

I hope you are finding some answers and developing the friends you want and need.

I have been sick- it was my friend always egging me to seek medical treatment and offering to help. My family was inconvenienced and just ignored me -it was lonely then. I walked away from family because they didn’t act like family. Without them, I have made an external family- stronger, kinder, and reliable-yes I am lucky to have good friends.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Expectations and friendship- if trust is to be had in any relationship, and I see trust as a part of a good friendship, then basic expectations just happen naturally. I call friends I can not count on fair- weather friends-( those are the kinda friends who don’t call, send a card, text, or acknowledge you in a crisis, hospital, going through a rough patch, etc. ) but show up for only the fun times. I started reevaluating these friendships and the time/effort I put into those relationships. Sometimes moving on can be healthy when I’m frustrated in a relationship.

 

[J.D Wolf]

friendship is a very interesting creature but yet a creature of your own creation. A two way street even. It means different things to everyone, we need it to be tailored to us, and most have alot of expectations about it. I say all this to say find out out what you need from a friendship and find others who want the same thing but be open to other things similar to it eg. partnerships, companionship, kinship, etc. in addition to friendships. understand what each thing is and how to navigate them. Partnerships for example are meant to work based on what others have to offer and how well they support you and help you succeed. Companionship is for someone(s) you can take a break with from life and just relax in a world of your own together and provide emotional support etc. friendship is what you make it. some folks have different kinds of "friends" for different needs and wants. If you need friends to be more of a family that's one kind of friendship. if you need the PBS kind of friendship that's another. The list goes on. It takes awhile to know what we want and need from ourselves to know what we want and need from others.

 

[whiteraven]

They stay with you no matter what and if they go away for awhile they come back. You just know. And if you have one or two people who are truly like this you are fortunate. Real friends are hard to come by.

Agree with you completely here. I haven't had any friends for a very long time.

 

[katz]

Hello everyone,
Would appreciate your thoughts on this.

What are the defining/important features of a "friend" / "friendship", for you?


I'm having a bit of difficulty with this concept at the moment and being able to answer those questions for myself.

Recently, I had spinal fusion surgery and was in hospital for just over 2 weeks (about 2-3 times longer than anticipated due to a number of complications).
During that time, I had just one friend come and visit, despite 5 others who I would have even considered "close friends" knowing that I was in hospital, telling me they would visit, and then ghosting. A few I've heard from randomly since, and some not.

I think it was @blackemerald1 who suggested in my surgery thread that I reconsider what friendship actually means to me, so I thought it might be helpful to put the question to the group to see if there's any consensus :)

Thanks!

My "closest" friend has seen me at my worst - and still loves me and wants to spend time with me. That acceptance is what I crave the most. To like me for being me.

When I went to the hospital - most of my "close" friends disappeared into the wind. I look back and just wonder if they couldn't take it, or just didn't want to deal with me and my problems. I don't know. None of them checked on me when I got out either. I was such a good friend to them, it hurt me very much that they didn't want to stand by me when I needed them the most.

 

[hithere]

I really appreciate the question. I struggle with friendships. In my younger days they came naturally and I really enjoyed being connected and friendship was easy. There was an instant understanding of each other, enjoying the same things specifically partying and the outdoors. As life became harder and busier and I became a work a holic, I am now pretty much friendless and isolated. I can't seem to figure out my identity when Im with others so friendship is kind of impossible for me. I feel like I don't know who I am or how to act.

My last therapy experience kind of did a number on me and has caused me to question everything about myself. I don't know how to be a friend, and though I wish I had a lot of friends I feel cut off from the world and from other people, even with them in the same room. I went out to dinner with two friends tonight, I talked a lot, I listened, but I just felt like it was fake and I had hard time feeling anything about them. It felt like I didn't know how to act or what to say. Am I talking too much, too little, am I on the same wave length. ?? We agreed to go hiking in a few days and I'm actually dreading it already. I would like to figure this friend thing out, too.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I really appreciate the question. I struggle with friendships. In my younger days they came naturally and I really enjoyed being connected and friendship was easy. There was an instant understanding of each other, enjoying the same things specifically partying and the outdoors. As life became harder and busier and I became a work a holic, I am now pretty much friendless and isolated. I can't seem to figure out my identity when Im with others so friendship is kind of impossible for me. I feel like I don't know who I am or how to act.

My last therapy experience kind of did a number on me and has caused me to question everything about myself. I don't know how to be a friend, and though I wish I had a lot of friends I feel cut off from the world and from other people, even with them in the same room. I went out to dinner with two friends tonight, I talked a lot, I listened, but I just felt like it was fake and I had hard time feeling anything about them. It felt like I didn't know how to act or what to say. Am I talking too much, too little, am I on the same wave length. ?? We agreed to go hiking in a few days and I'm actually dreading it already. I would like to figure this friend thing out, too.

The only way you can make friends is to be actively involved and put in your effort. I was "uncomfortable" with a group of musicians, nice gals; not nutty narcs or needy people, and they felt safe-except everyone read music better than I did. I was socially inept but I kept trying for years. I came to playing and reading an instrument later in life. Glad I kept going back. We've been together 15 years....tell stories, remember who had cancer, who visited who, where we played at retirement homes and funny things that happened.
Now we have many positive memories, they are people who come to my house once per month, they were my only visitors when I was married-and it is those women who were a lifeline to "normalcy-and understanding the concept of consideration." When I divorced, it was this same group of people who came to my new house, and made it not so empty. Alone, doing photography-I'm in heaven, but even today, I'm more on my toes about social behavior.

 

[Friday]

What are the defining/important features of a "friend" / "friendship", for you?

2 people moving towards the best aspects of one another.

 

[katz]

I really appreciate the question. I struggle with friendships. In my younger days they came naturally and I really enjoyed being connected and friendship was easy. There was an instant understanding of each other, enjoying the same things specifically partying and the outdoors. As life became harder and busier and I became a work a holic, I am now pretty much friendless and isolated. I can't seem to figure out my identity when Im with others so friendship is kind of impossible for me. I feel like I don't know who I am or how to act.

My last therapy experience kind of did a number on me and has caused me to question everything about myself. I don't know how to be a friend, and though I wish I had a lot of friends I feel cut off from the world and from other people, even with them in the same room. I went out to dinner with two friends tonight, I talked a lot, I listened, but I just felt like it was fake and I had hard time feeling anything about them. It felt like I didn't know how to act or what to say. Am I talking too much, too little, am I on the same wave length. ?? We agreed to go hiking in a few days and I'm actually dreading it already. I would like to figure this friend thing out, too.

I really saw something about myself in your comments. I have noticed that after I leave a situation - like dinner with friends or family -I go home and I'm going thru the whole evening. I'm asking myself if I said this or that? Should I have put it this way? Should I not have talked about that? My whole evening is basically dissected and I judge myself on how I acted and spoke to everyone. Even is I didn't speak to them at all. (Maybe I should have said "hi" - maybe not?)

I usually end up finding something I did wrong, and then regretting it.

 

[Ronin]

Someone who changes your f*ckups into teamwork, loses into victories, and calls out your bullshit.