Where To Meet Compassionate/understanding Potential Partners?

[matthios]

I've had two major "woulda-been-forever" relationships tank because of my emotional damage stemming from my PTSD. In both cases, I told my partners that I had issues. They understood in some very limited, clinical way, but really couldn't ever wrap their heads around the reality. I come to this forum and I read about all of these sufferers who have... spouses?! My head explodes.

Maybe it's a generational or socio-economic grouping issue... but the people I encounter are entirely unwilling to put up with issues/sensitivities if it hinders their notion of a stress-free uncomplicated life.

I'm not ready to date again, my last relationship may have just killed any chance of me ever connecting again... but I'm curious: where do you meet people that ARE compassionate and understanding? I realize we don't all like to broadcast "I have mental health issues" on the front page of a dating profile. It RARELY comes up in the first, oh, eighty conversations you have with someone... Some of us keep our diagnoses to ourselves--but we don't fool anyone. Our disorder brings emotional quirks that, unless explained, make us relationship incompatible.

Sometimes, I think it'd be nice to meet a woman with PTSD if for no other reason than the mutual understanding it could bring. Of course, I also realize that with two people bringing not inconsequential baggage to the table, it could more likely than not end up as a spectacular disaster.

 

[TeaLeaf]

If you were to meet a woman with PTSD, there is no guarantee that it would work out (that you'd be attracted, get along, have other things in common) though it could give you some common ground. Or it could be too much baggage for one relationship if you both were working on things in the same area. I do think it would be helpful to meet someone that did have some issues to work on though so that you would have some common understanding. Be it depression, anxiety, traumatic childhood, other emotional difficulties or something else where they could have compassion and understanding of where you were at.

I think that when you are ready, you just have to take a chance, put yourself out there and get to know someone that you are interested in. Slowly you can reveal yourself and see how they react. There really isn't a specific place to meet someone that might be more compassionate though you could think of support groups or online dating. Just don't rule out regular places that people could meet such as work, social events or just out and about.

I have had PTSD, anxiety and depression for some time though it has gotten much better. I met my husband in college when he lived down the hall from me and it was an instant attraction for me, I pursued him. Slowly I revealed myself and he never judged me, it just worked out, we have been together over 10 years. He had some issues with depression, his parents were pretty into their own problems when he was growing up so he had some of his own issues too. I was in therapy then and still am and that helped tremendously. Additionally, I tried really hard to remember that I am not my mental problems, there is more to me than that and focus on the here and now and have fun as much as possible.

 

[maddog]

I'd also be really interested to know, from those who are willing to share, where you met your partner. Obviously, everything Tealeaf has pointed out above is true and relevant, but I know that for me, one of the key issues with PTSD is its greatly constricting effect on my social life and ability to tolerate the sorts of public and social situations where one can expect to meet people. So I'd be interested to know when and how other sufferers have found their partners, and likewise from the supporters out there.

Maddog

 

[TeaLeaf]

I used to go to a support group for survivors of childhood abuse, many of them had PTSD. Most of them met people at parties, through friends, lived next to each other. Think of what you are currently able to tolerate in the social arena and think of making small goals for things you would like to try in order to expand your options when you decide you would like to start a relationship.

And I just want to point out that I am not some social butterfly, it is just that my interest in my husband provided some impetus for me to put myself out there a little and pursue him.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I used to feel the same way you did about two ptsd-ers dating. I told my T as much and he looked a little surprised by the statement then quietly explained that even he had a background that wasn't all that great. His point was that sufferers come in all shapes and sizes, from all walks of life and should each be judged according to what place in life they individually are at. It could be that you find a wonderful match who has PTSD, or you may not. But you shouldn't define her or yourself by the disorder. Yeah it has a lot to do with who you are, how you react etc, but it isn't you.

Anyhow. If you should crack the code to this one, do let me know. I've started to lose hope of there being someone out there for me. I'd love to know I was just looking in the wrong places.

 

[matthios]

I'm definitely not looking to define anyone by a disorder (or not)... it's just one thing I've found lacking in every relationship (lowercase r interpersonal relationship) is a complete lack of understanding about PTSD and the issues it brings along with it.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I think that understanding can be learned if one cares enough. There are books to help with this sort of thing, I guess what I'm thinking is if someone truly cared for me, they'd take the time to understand how I tick just as I would them. I know there are supporters on this site who willingly do everything they can and it's still a struggle to understand. I know I'm not really expressing myself all that well so I do apologize if I end up adding to your frustration rather than helping it. My thought has always been though that just because someone doesn't understand me doesn't mean they don't have compassion for me and my problems. I am a mild example of that. I obviously don't entirely understand what you're going through, but I definitely care and want to give some support.

 

[saffy]

I come to this forum and I read about all of these sufferers who have... spouses?! My head explodes.

I had to smile when I read this. I have posted on here also about the fact I have never had a meaningful relationship, or friendship come to think of it, ever, Im 46, and yes I too question how they met such spouses/boy/girlfriends. In a way I really envy them for it. I am really happy for them too though.

Like you though, it does raise questions about myself, why can't I find one then, what is wrong with me, am I that bad? I must be? Where would I even start to find one?

I too have said in the past that I have issues that might make this a stormy ride at times, and at first yes they say they will cope and support when it comes, they don't and run after a few weeks, most saying they can not give me what I want! I can't be that demanding surely, infact I feel I am far from it and in no way high mainentance, compared with what I see other women do anyway.

I hope there is an answer out there for us :)

Best wishes
Saffy

 

[matthios]

Saffy,
I hope you don't spend your days stuck in a "what's wrong with me/am I that bad?" state. I know what that's like and it's brutal. Unlike you, I am high maintenance, just in a non-traditional sense. I'm a bit fragile with some things, I suspect you are, too. So people have this idea that if I'm fragile in one way, I must be fragile in every way- and thus, to be avoided. It's completely wrong, but, eh, people are stupid. (look at the functioning of elected governments and tell me that's not true- I DARE YOU)

I've had three major relationships in my life. Each one of the ended in the same way: abandonment. Whatever talk there'd been about sticking by me and supporting me? When the time came, it was just "I'm going to run away now. Please never speak to me ever again because I don't want to have to feel guilty for the pain I've caused you."

The reality is that people don't want to take responsibility... be it for their own actions or for someone else.

You can replace the sex/gender of this statement and the sentiment still applies, so I'm going to go on record and say this isn't actually misogynist...Norm on the show Cheers said "Women, can't live with them... pass the beer nuts." I really loved this statement because it highlights a couple of different truths. First, it makes us expect "can't live with them, can't live without them"- which is really a core statement of human existence. We're social creatures; we REQUIRE others in our lives. It's not an optional thing, it's mandatory. But for us, uh, "complicated" people, even though the requirement that we "can't live without them" is still there implicitly, it's nearly impossible to get beyond "can't live with'em..." and so, we are forced to accept it, possibly with the aid of chemicals, and thus "pass the beer nuts."

 

[saffy]

Cheers :D Matthios

Im afraid I am stuck in something like that yes, I always worry about them loosing interest or me liking them too much, I get anxious even thinking about dating or anything like that. But I have never really been on a proper date as such, weird eh :rolleyes: Even at the flirting stage I get really anxious if I think it has gone too far and that that bit of 'play fighting' has the potential to go further, or so I think, and then I panic, I can actually feel it coming on and make a fast get away one way or another.

I sit and think sometimes, I wonder what people are doing that allows them to stay together for so long, I just can't work it out, as I feel it must be something I am not doing/or doing wrong, but have no idea what. Because I do not get any feed back, only 'they can't give me what I want', I cannot work on anything specific that might be causing this to happen. I have no idea what to do in a relationship, I have been on my own too long now. Does that make sense?

I am friends with a few of my x's, one lasted about three months, the other about two, and sometimes we have a laugh but meeting new people is a real challenge. However, once I decide our frienship is over I can carry on as if they did not exist, even if they are in the same room. It is my way of coping, I wouldn't cope with any post relationship awkward questioning or 'chats'.

Saffy :)