Where To Start....

[Friday]

Ladee, I will always feel a burden. It's no slant on anybody here. It's because I have spent 50 years being told I am a nuisance, unwanted and a burden to everybody.

I don't want to thread-jack, here/ it's a worthy thread in and of itself, but suggest you might want to challenge this thought. Knowing where a cognitive distortion comes from, doesn't mean that there's nothing you can do about it.

 

[Blackjack]

I don't want to thread-jack, here/ it's a worthy thread in and of itself, but suggest you might want to...

Friday, I do have to try and deal with this, to challenge it and try to alter my thinking. I have made steps towards this. I am doing better with it than I was but when times are really tough it still raises its ugly head much more forcefully. I am learning to reach out, to ask for help and to trust that things will be ok if I do but it's not easy. It will take time.

 

[bring em all in]

Reaching out is such an awesome step!!!! Congrats!!!!

 

[Blackjack]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I am struggling greatly again tonight, it's 2am, I am laying awake and feeling really lonely. My mind keeps wandering to places I really don't want it to go but I can't seem to stop it. To read your messages of support is very comforting and is helping a lot. Thank you all of you

 

[J'qel]

Oh hon. You are never a burden.

Remember, for people like me, giving me the chance and the opportunity to help you is a gift. You make me feel better if even a single word makes a difference. Sharing with us helps us as well as you. Your words make me feel like I can help, that I am not a waste of space, because I can try to help.

You make all the difference to so many. Never doubt that.

 

[Blackjack]

Oh hon. You are never a burden.

Remember, for people like me, giving me the chance and the opportunity...

Thank you so much. I totally understand that having the chance to help makes you feel better. It does me too. I like it when people reach out to me and I can help, if only in a tiny way. It makes me feel I have a worth and a value in life. I guess I have to try to remember how I feel when people reach out to me, how pleased I am to help them and be there for them when times are hard.

Thank you so much.

 

[Blackjack]

No change with dad really. He is still bed ridden, asleep virtually all the time and refusing food most of the time when he is awake. He cannot move his legs at all and cannot speak properly.

I am more exhausted than I knew it was possible to be because I just can't sleep properly. The realisation that I will never have a conversation with him again is ripping me apart. I love my dad, I don't want him to die but I don't want him to exist as he is now. I cannot describe how much this hurts, how broken I feel.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

There are now words, but I will try anyway and say that my thoughts are with you. Your dad might not be able to talk back to you, but you can still talk to him.

 

[ladee]

Being so close to him you already know what his replies would be.
Hope you don't deny yourself 'conversations'
With him in the here and now.

 

[Blackjack]

Well my dad is still just about with us. He has dropped even more weight and now even when the care staff wake him to try and get food into him, he does not open his eyes. He can no longer drink anything, he just chokes on it. His drinks are all having to be thickened with a starch to the consistency of yoghurt as that is the only way he can swallow them. He just sleeps constantly unless he is woken, does not move or anything.

I cannot begin to describe the pain and sadness I am feeling. Is it possible to grieve before someone has passed away? Is that what I am feeling? I really don't know. I have no idea how to get through this.

I feel awful saying this but I just want him to be at peace now. For his sake, not mine.

 

[J'qel]

It is entirely possible to grieve before someone passes away, especially when the illness is lingering.

And to wish peace and an end to suffering is perfectly normal. I miss my MIL, but I wouldn't have wanted her to hold on with the pain she was in daily. I'm thankful that she isn't suffering anymore, after all she has done and been through. I still miss her.

 

[Blackjack]

It is entirely possible to grieve before someone passes away, especially when the illness is lingering....

Thank you for your reply. The whole grief thing is so weird because I feel like I have already lost dad in a way. The person I knew and loved has gone and all that is left is the body that he came in. It's a really hard situation right now.

Today he was muttering loads in his sleep and flailing his arms about. I expect he was dreaming but I am also scared that he was in pain. I don't want that for him, I really don't.