Why am i this way?

[seabadger]

Any insight or opinions would be greatly appreciated. I've had a sexual attraction to evil women since before I had sexuality. I have tell tale signs that I lost my childhood but I can't remember anything that would have taken away my childhood. For much of my life I would get a sense of an evil female presence trying to possess me. I experienced an intense feeling of heartache as an early teenager, i never had any relationships but that feeling was there and the way I discovered how to heal it and replace the pain with love was to visualise myself as an extremely good willed little girl. The idea of aging as well as having a male body disturbed me immensely and that visualisation thing relieved that pain.

There's more i can go into greater detail and will gladly answer any questions but does anyone have insight into what the root of all these abnormalities may be from a psychological and or spiritual perspective?

 

[seabadger]

More specifically, it's evil women who hurt men that I have the sexual attraction. Its long disturbed me that it's there to the point that I suppressed and ultimately repressed my sexuality and lost my sex drive entirely. The loss of sex drive happened alongside repression of emotions and overall self awareness. The emotional numbness got so bad it turned into complete apathy and anhedonia eventually. My heart got blocked and I feel the buried trauma in my heart area, i can become somewhat aware of it in meditation, it usually feels like a dense block or vacuum, sometimes it turns into pins and needles sensation, sometimes sadness, grief.or fear.

 

[Sideways]

In all honesty, I don't think anyone here can answer the question "why".

In terms of the best way forward for your happiness? I think a more relevant question might be "what do I do about it?" Have you spoken to someone about possibly getting treatment for depression, or at least your depressive symptoms? That might be a helpful place to start.

 

[seabadger]

Yeah I been depressed for years. I need to recover the memories to heal. I have extreme repression going on.

 

[ladee]

I have not recovered memories.... and did not let that stop me.... I had the 'feelings'.... so I used that as my guide to healing.... in the end, it's the feelings we rewire or let go of ,or any number of healing ways.... so hope you don't wait until the memories surface. They may never. Mine haven't, and I have been at this for many years...

Hoping you seek help for your depression and truly involve yourself in Therapy and get what you can out of it.... a lot of people don't remember...it's not necessary for them to surface to start your healing journey.... good luck to you.

 

[Mach123]

I actually think why is the most pertinent question. Finding out answers to those questions has been what therapy is about for me. Why am I like this? There is a reason and there always was and it's not that I'm bad or wrong or defective or somehow deviant. The why answer was "someone gave this to me." I didn't ask for it. In my case, since I couldn't remember, I worked backwards. It was like solving for x. You find out the other two variables and you get your answer. I have never actually seen the abuser. He or she remains hidden. The evidence was so clearly there however that once I got with a good therapist I was able to see for myself. The therapist never doubted it for a moment. I doubted it for years, even when I was being presented with compelling evidence. I was invested in blaming myself and feeling bad about it though. Feeling better takes getting used to. I can't do a lot more. I don't really function better, but at least now I know why. I don't have to blame myself anymore. Based on what you said there is probably a reason. I needed help to unravel it. To shine a light into dark places. I couldn't have done it alone. I hope you can find someone to help you. I've been lucky. I never stopped trying though. Don't stop trying.