Work Is Bringing Up So Many Insecurities

[shimmerz]

Long story short, I had to give up work (digital forensics and IT specialist) after 30 years. I could do the work with my eyes blindfolded and my hands tied behind my back - until D-day. And D-day happened in 24 hours or less. Sobbing - primal and from a place so deep I couldn't bear it. I thought I was going insane which fit in with what my ex was saying to those around me. Gaslighting.

I had to close down shop in 2009 (owned my own business). I haven't been the same since. It is like everything I had accomplished had been wiped out in less than 24 hours. It was horrifying. I have yet to recover but I have been able to dabble.

I work corporate and have been doing a bit of it here and there. These last three weeks (four if you count this week) has brought me to my knees. Feelings of insecurity, failure, trying to perform the way I used to have all taken a huge toll this past month.

At what price do those of you who have been able to work - determine whether it is worth the setbacks experienced while struggling to get back in the game? Anyone?

 

[Laura 2]

In a different line of business, I was in more or less the same situation. Everything slashed to ruins, robbed from me by gaslighters/criminals and public services.

Having worked, as I put it, several dozen boxes of socks off on the good guys' side all my life, I wouldn't now put myself through the hell it would be to work. Which is just as well because I just couldn't even begin to think of working as things are. I guess that somehow I've held on to my achievements which no one can ever take away from me, am deeply bereaved at all the many avoidable losses and have seen through to the futility of (for want of a better blanket description) the mighty 'Protestant work ethic' con.

In short, it's not worth it. And no one will give us a medal for screwing ourselves up further.

:( Sorry, that's rather cynical. I guess I just want to get to a place where I actually enjoy living again. That would be a 5 star achievement!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I cannot feasibly stop working, but I don't want to. Teaching is one part of my life that still feels good. It was not that way last year. Certain types of student behavior can trigger me now, but I have been able to deal remarkably well with that kind of trigger. I do not know what it is like to work full time anywhere else. I have had to adjust my expectations of what I can do outside the classroom (not as much work done at home as I used to do). I have been absent way more than I would have liked. For me working is worth all of the struggles that come with it though there have been times when I have felt like stopping would be helpful just so I could have more time alone at home. Teaching is what keeps me going some days because I can escape from my life while inside the classroom walls actively teaching. I am scared that if I don't stop having panic attacks at school that decision will be taken away from me. For now though I am determined to keep going. Right now I just keep reminding myself that in a couple of weeks it will be summer vacation time and I won't have to work. That is both a good and bad thing. I hope that you can figure out what will work best for you.