How To Be Honest In Therapy?

[Angel_090]

I need help. I need to be honest with my T. I've never really been honest with anyone about my feelings. I either push then aside or ignore them. Well of course they have begun to pop up in my life again. I really thought I'd had a couple more years before this would happen. I'm not crazy to think that I'd never have to deal with them but just not so soon.

I'm angry and disappointing with myself. It feels like one big mistake after another - I feel like a failure. But that's not the important part. I have smiled and made jokes and even made my T laugh! (hope he wasn't laughing at me). And although I have never actually lied, I have minimized at least 90% of what I've told him. He's a wonderful mad and has made the process very easy and has calmed all my fears about wasting his time and blah, blah, blah.

I feel like if I actually sit down and tell him that I feel like I'm drowning and that I can't see the happy end for myself like he does and that I don't feel like I have the strength anymore, it'll somehow make it "true". Now, I know it's true in my head but I've never said it out loud. Minimizing problems does make them seem smaller for a small amount of time. And that helps on bad days. Actually acknowledging the reality might help me deal with the problems and heal or it might be so much that I end up drowning completely.

On the flip side (and I know I might start to sound crazy here), I feel guilty. I'm supposed to be able to deal with all of this on my own. Scratch that, I'm not even suppose to have problem. I'm suppose to be above all that but I'm not. I'm so far under that I'm reaching the Earth's core. And I know that there are people who have had worst things happen to them in life and I have no room to complain or feel the way I do.... but I do.

I don't even now how to begin to tell him how I'm actually feeling. The last session that we had was great (that's is when I made him laugh). And I know it's not about him but it felt so great to feel like I was giving him what I was suppose to --I was being a good client. And I feel like he in some way respects me which is also great. But I haven't showed him the completely crazy, sad and incompetent side of me. I guess I am worried he will think less of me or think I'm not as strong. He is the only person I have any contact and a connection with. I've learn to accept losing people from my life but if I could, I'd really like to not lose him.

 

[Seasounds]

If it is helpful, I knew I needed therapy, and felt so ashamed of admitting that I needed help, that I walked out of my first therapy session. Five years later, I went to a therapy with a bit more courage under my belt, to admit that I was human.Her style helped, because she would 'read my body and voice tone' and offer support ("gosh, that could be a bit overwhelming, coming from a family that expected you to never need help"; that helped me relax and know that I would be received if I admitted to not measuring up, feeling sad, feeling like a failure, etc. I trembled, during the first time I said, "I believe that I was abused."

It sounds like you are doing a great job of exploring sharing layers of yourself in therapy. For sure, I do that to. I think therapists expect that too. And it is common sense; it is good to gradually test the waters, to make sure that you will be met with non-judgemnt. It also sounds as if you therapist is following your lead, which I, personally, like. You get to dive into deeper waters, whenever you want to.

You also bring out another very natural part of the therapeutic relationship, that is active for me. It is natural to want to please authority figures, even in functional situations. However, the therapeutic relationship offers a freedom, for those of us from a dysfunctional families; we don't have to take care of, or please are therapists. They are suppose to have the self-esteem to emotionally take care of themselves, so that we/clients can be honest, react(transfer our fears and anger-that we had from our lives, to them, so that they can show us a mature conversational and behavioristic way of working through shame, guilt, anger, saddness, lonliness, etc.

If your therapist doesn't follow you with non-judgement, when you open to deeper feelings and situations, then it is time to find another therapist. You and your therapist can laugh together. Now, can you both drop into a deeper space together, and can you feel safe while sharing things you feel ashamed about, or sad about?

It was such a pleasant relief, for me to know that I could live through sharing unpleasant aspects of myself, or share family secrets.

I like your approach. You sound wise, about how to go deeper, and be safe, while doing so.
You will live through it too!. Just stay in touch with the forum, if you get anxious.

 

[desiderata310]

So... First.. and this one is hard for me to wrap my head around too... you're actually THERE because he needs to help you deal with how you are feeling. He's actually being very patient and waiting to see that side that you aren't showing him. You aren't wasting his time.
What you are doing is perfectly (infuriatingly) normal. It sounds like you are ready to move, you're just worried that he's going to be judgmental. He's not.
He probably KNOWS all this stuff (especially the minimizing) already so really, honestly, he's waiting for you to be ready.

Best option: tell him in the next session. Next best option: email this to him but open the dialog.

 

[Friday]

I feel like if I actually sit down and tell him that I feel like I'm drowning and that I can't see the happy end for myself like he does and that I don't feel like I have the strength anymore, it'll somehow make it "true".

I periodically toss the quote up on here

"If I let them treat me as broken, how would I ever convince myself I wasn't?"

It makes sense in my head. Problem is... They're both me. Yes, I'm funny (ish, sometimes) & strong as f*ck (on alternating Tuesdays), but I've also got a neck like rebar, my life is an ongoing disaster, and I'm falling to pieces. For some reason? I'll get in the mode where I go all binary. Only one or the other can be true. Nope. They're both true. One says I'm not okay, and the other says but I will be. That second half there? Honestly doesn't make any sense without the first part. I think it does, in my head, cause I'm busy beatin back monsters with sticks up here. Meanwhile, to outside view... Um. The fact that you're shouting you're fine for no reason whatsoever, probably indicates that your aren't.

It's okay to be strong. But there's no need to be if everything is fine. If your T is any good at all? He knows you don't trust him, or yourself, so you're throwing up walls. Also, if he's any good, it's easier to fight monsters with 2 people. You'll never know, though, if you don't risk letting him join in the fight.