Relationship Will He Love Me Again?

[Believeinlove]

No one has an answer to this. I know. But it is what I think constantly. He stopt loving me cause the ptsd started to kick in. Cause his former wife left him after he had ptsd the first time. She wasnt there for him when he called her and said he needed her. Me he didnt give that warning. He just waited for me not to be there. And didnt say anything. When i got hotflashes, due to chemo, he felt pushed away. Still saying nothing. And so his love died in a few months and i was clueless. And we always been so close. He shut down before I could leave him, i guess. That he does to me what she did to him. So now he wouldnt be hurt. But I am. So bad. I dont deserve this. I am so helpless now. No survivor. Not strong. I miss him so much. Dont know what to do. This afternoon I saw him. It looks like he is more distant. Gave me a big hug, thats true. But the rest stays the same. So I am here alone again, crying and feeling so awfull. The reason why he stopt loving me is what I think, about his former wife. Dont know for sure. He doesnt know he said, it just died. Unbelievable. Never thought it would happen to us. Will he get it back, is that possible? Will I get him back?

 

[Carter-Dyett]

No one has an answer to this. I know. But it is what I think constantly. He stopt loving me caus...

So sorry to read this. It is a very common reality for many, as I have said elsewhere on here. He has to find a way and that's not easy. I went missing for many days at a time. I felt everybody was better off without me and I was better off alone. It's tough and there's no easy answer (as you have said). The only thing I can say is as hard as it gets you need to look after you.

 

[Believeinlove]

So sorry to read this. It is a very common reality for many, as I have said elsewhere on here. He h...

Thanks, I know. He has his process, I have mine. Sometimes my process is too difficult (i know his is also too difficult). It helps writing it here and peers reacting.

 

[anthony]

I actually have a possible answer to what you think can't be answered:

due to chemo

If your partner was suffering PTSD and you were going through chemo... chances are it is that, nothing to do with his ex-wife. The stress of a loved one going through chemo breaks relationships without PTSD, let alone where one has PTSD.

He may feel as though he was going to lose you, and PTSD was struggling to understand how he would cope with that, so he preempted the split so that he could convince himself, and PTSD, that he was in control. He had no control over that outcome... and if PTSD is kicking his arse already, then that would likely have been too much for him.

I would not blame yourself, especially if you have done nothing wrong. His leaving you is his decision, and you need to place blame where it belongs. Love is one thing, but blaming yourself for him leaving for his reasons... that is different.

Own what you own, don't own his stuff. Assuming cancer... not your fault. Shit happens in life. Not a selfish act to seek chemo for cancer.

Not sure if you have looked at this... but it sounds much more likely that the period of chemo and the realistic thoughts of your death or such was too much for his PTSD to handle, which overwhelms him, thus he removed himself. Even after recovery and remission, cancer can and often does return, so he would still be cautious.

He may love you still, but he is thinking more with his realistic brain than emotional brain due to PTSD. PTSD sufferers struggling with PTSD typically try and protect themselves from further symptoms, just like you protected yourself from cancer with chemo.

It gets ugly...

 

[Believeinlove]

I actually have a possible answer to what you think can't be answered:

If your partner was suffering PTSD...

Perhaps thats what it is, could well be. I also had a TGA (transient global amnesia) wich lasted 6 hours. Later he told me he was afraid I had a braintumor. That happened at the end off the year I was home. In May. In september he had the first experience of not loving me. So perhaps it is connected. His mother was diagnosed in september with Alzheimers disease, so that didnt help. He cant affort losing two people he loves. Does that make sense to you, that I think that now?

Good for me to read that I dont own him moving out. Cause thats also keeping me awake at nights. Makes sense to me that he thinks with his rational brain, not his emotional. His emotional brain protects himself from loving me. From him to get hurt. So he hurts me. :banghead:
My only hope is that when he started or finished the therapy, he is told by the clinic to first get EMDR and then PMT, he have space in his head (dont know if thats what you say in English, it is an expression in Dutch) for us to go to couplestherapy. Hope to get through to his emotional brain.

 

[anthony]

for us to go to couplestherapy

I would not expect this... and you should mourn the relationship and get on with life, knowing that it was not you who decided his actions.

If someone wants to be with you, they will move mountains to make it happen. It does not seem he is moving mountains, but instead putting them between you both and distancing himself entirely.

 

[Believeinlove]

I actually have a possible answer to what you think can't be answered:

If your partner was suffering PTSD...

I have a chronicle Leukemia (Hairy Cell Leukemia) and I can get very old with it. I never made it a big deal. Still dont. It is what it is, and if you have to get cancer this is the one to have (my dr said) Easy treatable, mild chemo. But I still have 10% bad cells in my blood. Go every 4 months to get my blood tested. So thats not easy on him i guess. Not easy for his PTSD mind. To be honest: me I dont care. This whole PTSD thing is much more worriing, much more hurting then my illness. I would do chemo in a second if it would help him. And I really mean that. The cancer and how I dealt with it was and is in my hands. But this makes me more scared. I can do nothing, and that is so not me! Just waiting adn see my life getting ruined. I hate it.

You wrote at the end: it gets ugly. What do you mean by that?

 

[Believeinlove]

I would not expect this... and you should mourn the relationship and get on with life, knowing that it was...

Didnt read this before I wrote my second reply.
I am not ready yet to move on, to give up hope. We had 15 beautiful years together, with lots of live. Never we daubted our love for each other. And now within a few months He stopt loving me. All of our friends are in totall shock. He not loving me? No. Never. He was sooo in to me. As I am in to him. I am not ready yet.

 

[Believeinlove]

I would not expect this... and you should mourn the relationship and get on with life, knowing that it was...

And is he able to move mountains now for me? Isnt he now so much in confusion and chaos in his head that the only thing he can move is his own body? He did agree to go in therapy togehther after his EMDR. He still hugs me long every time he sees me. Long and tight. If he comes home to get the dog and I am not home yet he waites for me. Even if it takes about 40 minutes, and he knows it will take 40 minutes. Wouldnt he think if he doesnt want to see me: , oke thats good she is not here. I get the dog and go. Our son was home and he told him I would be home in 40 minutes. And he told our son: oke, i will waite for mom. If he really did not want to see me he would have told our son (who is 19 yo) I have to go due to trafic rpoblems.

 

[anthony]

Not loving you does not equate to hating you. You have a son together... you still have to communicate. I do not pretend to know all your circumstances, you know that better than anyone. If you believe he will return to you, in love again, then that is for you to believe. If you aren't ready to let him go, also that is for you. If he doesn't return, then maybe you may be ready at a later time, just not now. That is perfectly ok.

PTSD is PTSD... if he truly does not love you, time apart is not really going to help him. Therapy takes years to treat PTSD, whether in actual therapy or doing the work themselves, years minimum. Living away is only helping his brain get used to not being with you.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder is an excuse I hear often from spouses when a PTSD sufferer walks out. What people don't understand, is that that saying is relevant to two people who are in a loving relationship, being a day or weekend, week even, makes each other crave to see the other again. When one has left the relationship, checked out from it, no longer interested in a romantic relationship with you, such sayings mean nothing and have no validity.

It is the exception that a PTSD sufferer will return to a relationship once they have committed to leave, not the rule. The rule is that they're gone, and chances are they may even begin dating others unbeknownst to you. People who don't have PTSD can't comprehend what goes through our heads... its like a committed relationship that we endure PTSD within, its as though our brains want to stop hurting this person we love, so we leave and switch off. Weirdly enough, we can have a relationship with someone completely new... chances are it won't last if PTSD is consuming us, but we flip flop within relationships until we sort ourselves out and get control of PTSD for the most part.

You have every right to not let go yet... again, you know you and your situation best. I am only answering things from my view, experience and knowledge on the subject. I don't like to be right about these situations, but I won't lie either. If he returns, it will be the exception, not the rule. Fight for him... but expect to be part of the rule if your fight hits nothing more than a brick wall. At some point you have to accept defeat with PTSD and look after yourself, otherwise you will get dragged down an ugly rabbit hole of anxiety and depression, grieving a relationship that you can't have.

That is what I mean when I say it gets ugly.

 

[Carter-Dyett]

Not loving you does not equate to hating you. You have a son together... you still have to communicate. I d...

It's an evil illness that eats away at everything.

 

[anthony]

It is unfortunate that I must absolutely agree with you @Carter-Dyett. PTSD ruins many things, and it can take months to years for people to recover, depending on severity. Supporters really do get the rough end of the pineapple with PTSD.