Hi,
This is my first post, and I've spent the last few days reading many different post to try and figure out if I belong here. My story; when I was 10 yrs old my mother died in a car accident, a few months later my uncle began to sexually abuse me, and by the time I was 13 my dad was also sexually abusing me. The abuse went on for many years, and I never told anyone. I am now 49 and shared this horrible secret for the very first time only 3 yrs ago. My uncle died about 4 years ago and just about two weeks after I broke my silence my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He has since died, without us ever talking about the things he did to me.
I have been in counseling for 3 years now and while there has been some progress, there is still so much that is so screwed up. I have huge gaps in my memory, it is as if I didn't have a childhood. And when it comes to sexuality, just the mention of anything like that my minds responds like a child. My first thoughts are usually "gross", hows that for a woman who has been married for almost 29 yrs? I hate to talk about emotional things, can't stand it when my husband buys sentimental cards. I have tried to explain that I feel so "un-feminine", but why should that bother me, I've spent the better part of my life not wanting to attract attention.
I am sorry, don't know where all of that came from, back to "do I belong here". I have experienced flashbacks but only twice that I can remember. I suffer from panic attacks several times a week, nightmares and very vivid dreams of always running away from something. Having a devil of a time with depression, just starting new meds, Lexapro. But I think the worst part right now is this detachment, I still haven't be able to put the blame where it belongs, I want so desperately to feel so angry at them, but I feel nothing, probably has something to do with the fact that I feel like I am nothing. If I have no value then did they really hurt anything? Before you say it, I know that is the wrong way to think, but my head knows one thing and my heart feels another.
Please be honest with me, if this is not the place for me, then it would be of no value to me or any of you if I stayed. It was just recently that I was told by a therapist that she thought I suffered from PTSD, but that was after only one session, so I'm not sure if that is a fair assessment.
Thanks
This is my first post, and I've spent the last few days reading many different post to try and figure out if I belong here. My story; when I was 10 yrs old my mother died in a car accident, a few months later my uncle began to sexually abuse me, and by the time I was 13 my dad was also sexually abusing me. The abuse went on for many years, and I never told anyone. I am now 49 and shared this horrible secret for the very first time only 3 yrs ago. My uncle died about 4 years ago and just about two weeks after I broke my silence my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He has since died, without us ever talking about the things he did to me.
I have been in counseling for 3 years now and while there has been some progress, there is still so much that is so screwed up. I have huge gaps in my memory, it is as if I didn't have a childhood. And when it comes to sexuality, just the mention of anything like that my minds responds like a child. My first thoughts are usually "gross", hows that for a woman who has been married for almost 29 yrs? I hate to talk about emotional things, can't stand it when my husband buys sentimental cards. I have tried to explain that I feel so "un-feminine", but why should that bother me, I've spent the better part of my life not wanting to attract attention.
I am sorry, don't know where all of that came from, back to "do I belong here". I have experienced flashbacks but only twice that I can remember. I suffer from panic attacks several times a week, nightmares and very vivid dreams of always running away from something. Having a devil of a time with depression, just starting new meds, Lexapro. But I think the worst part right now is this detachment, I still haven't be able to put the blame where it belongs, I want so desperately to feel so angry at them, but I feel nothing, probably has something to do with the fact that I feel like I am nothing. If I have no value then did they really hurt anything? Before you say it, I know that is the wrong way to think, but my head knows one thing and my heart feels another.
Please be honest with me, if this is not the place for me, then it would be of no value to me or any of you if I stayed. It was just recently that I was told by a therapist that she thought I suffered from PTSD, but that was after only one session, so I'm not sure if that is a fair assessment.
Thanks
