Hmm. I'm trying to wrap my head this. You really don't know you're doing it? I mean, I didn't think it was on purpose, but I thought you knew it. I'm so confused. I just don't understand how you don't know. You don't know that you haven't seen or called someone? Is it that time goes by and you don't realize how much time passes? I mean, I flip my calendar everyday at work, I know when i have to pay bills each month so I also know when i haven't spoken to someone. I'm so sorry if I'm upsetting anyone reading this, it's not my intention, I'm just really trying to understand. If some aspects of day to day life can be managed by going through the motions, how is that others can slip away without realizing how much time is passing? I mean, I guess you may not really know either, I'm just trying to grasp the concept at this point.
I honestly laughed out loud when I read this. I do understand your frustration. I guess I can only answer for myself-
You don't know that you haven't seen or called someone?
I haven't historically tended to know I'm "isolating" but recently I've become more conscious of it. At this time, I see it happening and it isn't that I don't know I haven't called or seen someone. I think anxiously every day about returning a friend's letter, for example, and shipping promised items to another friend, returning several calls... all as days slip away and I get lost in the fretting. I keep thinking I'll just sit down and dedicate time to all my acquaintances for maybe an hour every other day or so... but I just feel exhausted. Relationships are dynamic and for me, sometimes people are quite draining even when I love them. I think about and love my friends, but I can barely bare to be sometimes, so I get scared about talking to them and coming off as dour as I feel. I don't want to subject them to my moods on one hand, so I avoid hanging out. I can't follow or put my energy into small talk or pointless drama, so I begin to avoid
that alltogether... I get all brooding and sensitive and it's hard to be around anyone. I admit though sometimes things do just slip my mind... did I reply to that text? I've gone and deleted my sent mail, so now I don't know... it really goes on. Sometimes I've let contacts slip for a few days and I'm ashamed and that adds on to my knee-jerk reaction of shoving the stress away.
Is it that time goes by and you don't realize how much time passes?
Sometimes I really don't know how much time's going by. If the depression is really bad, then I'll lose track of days and even convince myself that no one could want to talk to me. I might loose my phone for days at a time, as well. This is often accompanied by shame as such I don't really want to have to account for myself to the people who care for me. I'd rather be able to manage not dissolving into a puddle of tears, fainting, throwing up, panicking, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, or deceit when/ soon following basic questions like, "how are you?"; "how have you been?"; "what have you been up to?";"why haven't you answered my calls?"
If some aspects of day to day life can be managed by going through the motions, how is that others can slip away without realizing how much time is passing?
I guess some aspects of daily life are less complex than others. Paying a bill can be automated, relationships cannot be automated. Even if your bill-paying
isn't automated you can see how the energy requirement might dramatically differ. Now imagine your energy reserve being taxed with some or all of the symptoms I mentioned above, in addition to all the rest of your life's daily stresses. Unfortunately some things, perhaps even the most important things, would drop in turn.
At least this is the case for me... in addition to this, the fact of the matter is that as someone with these challenges, I am actively healing. That takes time and energy and quiet. My emotions and needs don't run on a monthly schedule, although I might wish they did.
