Experiment Inspired By Reading A Trauma Book: Thoughts And Experiences?

[Deleted member 34424]

This was interesting insight I just had and feeling tension in my body still (mainly arms, shoulders, back, neck, throat, and genitals... the usual) and slightly anxious, but I am mainly insanely fascinated by what I just did and achieved in insight:

I'm reading The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk and it mentioned flashback image memory in one of the earlier chapters, and I could feel tension in my body building and I knew what was going to happen anyways (I know my triggers and body very well), so I thought, "let's experiment since it's already here" and I popped up a memory of my abuse and at the almost exact time, I feel my vaginal nerves flare up like I was being poked and prodded like I was as a child. It was what was being mentioned in that book, Peter A Levine's book, here, and by my therapist: that was a trigger and the response (among other emotions and bodily feelings) is the feeling of being poked down there and/or the feeling of horniness.

I did my scientific experiment based on a hypothesis, tried it, and it came back with proof. Then I cried my eyes out because there's proof, a reason, not that I'm sick or messed up or turning into a crazy person or a monster.

Have you ever done experiments with yourself?

Have you ever felt any similar feelings, CSA survivors?

 

[Dissociated1]

I did an experiment a year or so after my female alter became self aware. We were still in the throws of a violent battle for control of the body. I have limited power of hostile takeover, the ability to squash my other alters to remain in front. At that point in my recovery I did not yet know this authority was given to me as host/primary alter. And that it was to be used wisely and sparingly for the good of the System.

I managed to squash my female away for nearly a month. As the days and weeks clicked by I went into a deeper and deeper state of dissociation, a zombie-like funk that made it impossible to perform the basic functions of daily life and impossible to sleep at night. Depleted mentally and physically I admitted I could not live with out my female alter.

Angry and spiteful my female alter took over. I was terrified but there was no coming to front. Locked away in the back of her mind I lost all hope; the rest of my life was going to be spent as a woman. The same zombie-like funk funk began to creep in after 4-5 days. By the end of a week my female alter was gone and I was back at front.

My psychologist was furious when I explained what I had done. Told me I had no idea of the the damage I could have done with my silly stunt. But I'm not sure how long my female alter and I would have continued to battle for control if we hadn't. Or what it would have taken for us to admit we cannot live without each other.

 

[BlueOrange]

My psychologist was furious when I explained what I had done. Told me I had no idea of the the damage I could have done with my silly stunt. But I'm not sure how long my female alter and I would have continued to battle for control if we hadn't. Or what it would have taken for us to admit we cannot live without each other.

That does sound dangerous to me, but not silly. (Did your therapist use the word 'silly', or is that word there due to your interpretation?) 'Desperate' is the word I would choose. I did a very similar thing a long time ago now. These days, I am able to use less extreme measures - party because (I think) I've had one or two extreme experiences that showed me that I can either make peace with myself willingly, or I can put myself in very serious danger.

I think we'd all prefer (for everyone) that they don't have dangerous experiences, or do dangerous things. Experience isn't really the best teacher, but sometimes it's the only teacher who we are able to learn from.

 

[Dissociated1]

I am drawing on my memory from 5 years ago but her bluntness made it clear I had done something reckless and dangerous. An excellent cognitive psychologist, she had no idea I was DID and was treating me as an androgyne with adjustment disorder because of my refusal to accept the female part of myself. My mind hid my condition so well there wasn't even a slight indication in the day long battery of surveys, tests and inventories she gave me as a new patient or in the first 2 years she treated me. I will never forget the tears of compassion in her eyes knowing the road I was on when the flashbacks and time loss began and she referred me for trauma therapy.

 

[Deleted member 34424]

That's good you got help!