The Sudden End

[Leah123]

Today we had a session and it did not go well or end well. I told her she had lost a client... and I meant it. I may have just said goodbye to my good-enough-mother, the closest thing I would ever have to a parent. I'm going to stop there. :speechless:

 

[BlueOrange]

Sounds like a very distressing experience, and a prediction that could have a profound impact. I feel a bit worried for you, and would hope that you do talk about this with someone you can trust.

 

[Riot]

I fired my T once, and absolutely meant it when I did. I was also completely mortified shortly after. Thankfully, he graciously welcomed me back.

 

[Leah123]

I fired my T once, and absolutely meant it when I did. I was also completely mortified shortly after. Than...

I wish I was mortified, but... I am aghast at how she reacted when after three and a half years of deeply intimate therapy, I opened up about something important to me, a belief, and she reacted very badly. And she just wrote me back and when I told her I couldn't see how to resolve the difference of opinion... she wrote that I'd have to sort that out, and then wrote that I had made what I didn't want to happen happen (losing our relationship), and that there was nothing more to say than goodbye. It was a messy, hard, unproductive session and then.... worse.

It was a serious goodbye, not the kind to take back- I've had that before. This one... horribly final feeling...and I thought.....I thought we'd have more time together.

 

[Riot]

@Leah123, well, I don't know anything about it other than what you said, but her response that you'd have to figure it out for yourself does seem normal from a therapist, for whatever that might be worth to you. Sorry you're having a hard time, though.

 

[Leah123]

Sounds like a very distressing experience, and a prediction that could have a profound impact. I fe...

I am yeah.... weary, drained, numb, cried out, in shock. I told my husband what happened, he said she was being unprofessional and defensive. It's not the first time we've had that problem, but... this time was worse, and.... she was the greatest comfort ever in my life, but... our therapy didn't work today, and there are lots of times it feels unproductive or lacking certain things, but... it wasn't lacking gentleness and love and compassion and inspiration and emotional holding and caring. Oh my.

 

[Leah123]

@Leah123, well, I don't know anything about it other than what you said, but her respon...

We would have needed to work out our difference together- I couldn't just dismiss the fact that she erroneously told me I was doing something wrong because she was feeling defensive about the topic. She told me she had evidence of something, and when I asked to see it... she told me I wasn't helpless and I could go find it on google for myself. Sigh. That was a little part of it.

And that she brought it up reactively, rather than listening and being open to what I said...and taking the session in a painful direction when we'd already gone really long and we're having a lot of trouble.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Take time to take care of yourself.


I'm also concerned that you two were overly enmeshed?

Therapists aren't usually supposed to tell clients that they're wrong.

 

[Leah123]

Yes, she seemed to entangled today and I talked to her about that- about wanting her to have room for empathy for what I was saying, room for me to be heard, to express something deeply important to me.

She said sometimes therapists challenged and sometimes growth came out of hard sessions. Yes, sure it does, and I've def. had that happen, but this was.... just hard, not good. :( Awful now I guess.

 

[Leah123]

I just feel sore. It's hard to acknowledge this is real...

 

[Suzetig]

You two have worked together for a long time and with greater frequency and intensity than most, this as an ending I'm sure feels dreadful. From my recollection you've both struggled to hold a therapeutic frame for your work and it sounds like she's become over involved and enmeshed in the work which, no matter how you look at is, is harmful to you as her client. You say she was entangled today, but from what I've seen its been a feature of your work with her for a very long time. You talk about her as your "good enough mother" and while I understand that therapy can and does have an element of re parenting it's precisely because it's a therapeutic relationship with clear boundaries etc that it can perform that role.

She shouldn't be getting into fights with you, you might fight with her, and get angry,and be challenging, it's her job to hold all of that. In saying that, it does sound like you've pushed her quite far if she's been so quick to accept you saying you're done, but again, I'd expect her to talk to you about that. Not necessarily to change her decision - if she feels she can't continue with you she does get to make that decision, but I'd expect her to say why, after such an entangled relationship, she's pulling out now.

In saying that, I've seen you here before, angry and upset with her behaviour only for you to strongly defend her when anyone points out that she's lost the frame. I guess something about this time feels different? I'm sorry you're hurting, maybe take some time for how you feel before you decide what comes next?

 

[Rumors]

@Leah123 I guess I would challenge you to think about why you feel like it is black and white meaning why do you feel like your relationship has to be over because you had an arguement? Is that how it worked in your family? I mean people disagree about lots of topics. Some of them are fundamental ideology that differ drastically but that doesn't mean you hang it up and just be done with someone. In our minds there are probably a million differences we have with one another that are "lines in the sand." Sometimes we stumble upon them and sometimes they go ignored. She's human and she can be reactive about something on a given day without it being the end of your therapeutic relationship. Sometimes we need to dare ourselves to move forward regardless and you will find that she is the same nurturing therapist as before today's session.
None of us are the same. Take what you can from your conversation with her and disregard what you don't need but that "all or none" thinking is incredibly painful because you will find that you can't be in relationships with anyone because we all have fundamental differences that are lines in the sand. Just know that this was the hardest lesson in life for me to learn. I walked away from a lot of friendships, professional and otherwise, because of that style of thinking. It has been a growth that doesn't come easily nor does it come without making mistakes. However, if your professional relationship with her seems to fit well, then I urge you to realize no two people are exactly alike. It doesn't sound like she was demeaning or cruel, but just straight forward in her belief. Certainly I am not saying you aren't entitled to having your belief, however just see it as a difference and weigh whether or not this relationship is important enough to you that the difference of opinion are secondary to the love and support you share... Good luck!!!