Carl Giller
New Here
I hate that. I really do. I hate that its called an "anniversary."
To me an anniversary is a good thing. An anniversary is the day me and my husband celebrate our years together, not the day my life was turned upside down.
Anniversary just seems like way to happy of a word for a thing like this but its the best word I have. I mean if I could I would just erase the day forever, but its also my sister-in-laws birthday so I guess that wouldn't be very fair. The day is coming up. August 5th. So far every year since it happened I go into a downward spiral starting a month or two in advance. I feel it slowly creeping up on me right after my birthday and it just keeps going down hill from there.
My triggers seem to be everything from the way someone looks at me to the way the air smells. I feel a constant need to cry and I feel like I cant breathe. I hate it all I really do.
I have good days during the months leading up and the months after but they seem to be few and far between. I hate this. I hate everything about it. I hate the way it makes me feel like all I can do all day is sleep. I hate the way it makes me feel like if my husband tries to touch me in a certain way I want to scream. I hate that it gets in the way of everything. Why cant it all just go away?
I have such a hard time dealing with this and sometimes I just don't know what to do. I get so angry when I feel it too because I cant talk to anyone, for a few reasons, but the main one being what he (the person who raped me) said after it happened.
After it happened I tried to commit suicide multiple times. One day I was with him right after I had taken a handful of pills and I told him I didn't feel good and that I wanted to go home. He asked why I didn't feel good and I didn't say anything. He put it together and asked if I had taken to many pills, all I could do was cry. We were in the car on the way to my house and I was balling my eyes out and shaking and he just looked over at me and said "you're just doing this for attention, why are you trying to ruin my life?"
So now every time I want to talk about what happened and every time I want to talk about my triggers and my depression I stop, I choke up, and I don't say anything. I don't say anything because I am afraid that whoever I am talking to is going to tell me that I am doing it for attention. That I am doing it to ruin their lives. I hate feeling like I am looking for attention when all I need is help.
I feel guilty. Me. The one who got raped. I feel like I am the one who needs to feel bad. "He" is the one who put those thoughts in my head.
I just want it all to go away.
To me an anniversary is a good thing. An anniversary is the day me and my husband celebrate our years together, not the day my life was turned upside down.
Anniversary just seems like way to happy of a word for a thing like this but its the best word I have. I mean if I could I would just erase the day forever, but its also my sister-in-laws birthday so I guess that wouldn't be very fair. The day is coming up. August 5th. So far every year since it happened I go into a downward spiral starting a month or two in advance. I feel it slowly creeping up on me right after my birthday and it just keeps going down hill from there.
My triggers seem to be everything from the way someone looks at me to the way the air smells. I feel a constant need to cry and I feel like I cant breathe. I hate it all I really do.
I have good days during the months leading up and the months after but they seem to be few and far between. I hate this. I hate everything about it. I hate the way it makes me feel like all I can do all day is sleep. I hate the way it makes me feel like if my husband tries to touch me in a certain way I want to scream. I hate that it gets in the way of everything. Why cant it all just go away?
I have such a hard time dealing with this and sometimes I just don't know what to do. I get so angry when I feel it too because I cant talk to anyone, for a few reasons, but the main one being what he (the person who raped me) said after it happened.
After it happened I tried to commit suicide multiple times. One day I was with him right after I had taken a handful of pills and I told him I didn't feel good and that I wanted to go home. He asked why I didn't feel good and I didn't say anything. He put it together and asked if I had taken to many pills, all I could do was cry. We were in the car on the way to my house and I was balling my eyes out and shaking and he just looked over at me and said "you're just doing this for attention, why are you trying to ruin my life?"
So now every time I want to talk about what happened and every time I want to talk about my triggers and my depression I stop, I choke up, and I don't say anything. I don't say anything because I am afraid that whoever I am talking to is going to tell me that I am doing it for attention. That I am doing it to ruin their lives. I hate feeling like I am looking for attention when all I need is help.
I feel guilty. Me. The one who got raped. I feel like I am the one who needs to feel bad. "He" is the one who put those thoughts in my head.
I just want it all to go away.
